Tebow And The Jets: A Match Made In Hell

March 21, 2012 – 3:21 am by Hickey

Tim Tebow’s not going to hell, at least as far as I can tell. So maybe his only way to experience what that awful eternity would feel like is if the Denver Broncos trade him to the New York Jets, who represent the worst conceivable destination for Tebow.

The Jets have reportedly become the latest team to show interest in Tebow. An unnamed NFL source told ESPN New York that “bringing in a guy like Tebow would make perfect sense” since the team was divided last season.

Uhhh…. let me get this straight. The way to fix division in the locker room is to create a quarterback controversy? Sounds like a plan to me.

Among the other reasons Tebow to the Jets is a terrible idea:

Location, location, location: I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but New York City isn’t exactly a bastion of cultural conservatism. If John Rocker couldn’t handle the scenes on the subway, I’d hate to see what would happen to a fresh-faced lad like Timmy. The shock would be overwhelming.

Furthermore, Tebow’s sincerity would be eaten alive by a  New York media so cynical the poor guy can’t possibly even comprehend it.

New York is also no place for virgins. There are  f*ckers everywhere in that town. And yes, the Jets technically play in Jersey, but I shudder to think of the possibilities with the likes of Snooki trying to get a piece of that action.

Rex Ryan: Is there a worse mismatch than New York’s blustering blowhard of a coach and the humble Tebow?

Rex will be all “WE’RE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL WITH THIS KID, I GUARANTEE IT!” and Tebow will respond with “Well, I haven’t really accomplished much in my career yet, not anything close to what I’d like to accomplish, but I would like to thank God for this opportunity.”

Broadway Joe: Seriously? Tim Tebow quarterbacking the same franchise as Joe Namath? That should be against the law.

Past Performance: With the exception of the Dolphins, who at this point are a glorified UFL franchise (yes, there is such a thing as the UFL), Tebow has fared poorly against New York’s other two AFC East opponents, New England and Buffalo.

The Bills rose from the grave of their once-promising season on Christmas Eve, picking off Tebow three times and recovering one of his fumbles for a 40-14 blowout win. Two of those interceptions were returned for touchdowns.

And we all saw what happened the last time he played the Patriots — Tebow was 9 of 26 for 136 yards and no scores in a 45-10 loss. Tebow was average when the Broncos played the Pats in the regular season — 11 of 22 for 196 yards, no picks and no TDs — but Denver still lost 41-23.

All in all, Tebow to the Jets is a remarkably stupid notion — which is why we can probably expect to see it happen. After all, you don’t go without doing anything notable as a franchise since before man landed on the f*cking moon if that isn’t your organizational blueprint.

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  1. 3 Responses to “Tebow And The Jets: A Match Made In Hell”

  2. I think you misquoted Coach Ryan. I think he said, “We’re going to f*cking win the f*cking Super Bowl with this f*cking kid, I guaran-g*dd*mn-tee it!”

    Still…for purely comedic value…I kind of want this to happen.

    I’m wondering if McCarthy, Thompson et. al. are looking at Timmah for fullback/tight end, since I’ve heard Green Bay pop up in the mix for trading for Teebs.

    By MJenks on Mar 21, 2012

  3. You forgot “now let’s go eat a goddamn snack!”

    By Jason on Mar 21, 2012

  4. I think now all we can say is “Comedy ensues.”

    By MJenks on Mar 21, 2012

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