Former Arizona State linebacker Vontae Burfict wants you to know he’s changed. He knows it’s been rough in the past, baby. He said some things. He’s punched some people. He’s blamed everyone but himself for a bad (by his standards) 2011 season. He sucked at the combine. That 5.09 40? He was just thinking of you and how much he missed you.
But that’s all in the past, honey. It’s crazy out there. He can’t be blamed for every little personal foul. You haven’t always been so understanding anyway. You come home from work all tired and want to watch some college football, but Vontaze Burfict wants make love, baby. Like, to the whole universe. He doesn’t just want to talk about your day.
Besides, you like hot-tempered linebackers, don’t you? Guys who are just a little dangerous on the field, and probably off it too. Baltimore loves them some Ray Lewis, and he killed some one! Allegedly. And he’s going to the Hall-of-freaking-Fame! Vontaze Burfict is even MORE dangerous than Ray Lewis, man!
Sorry, sorry. Got a little emotional there. Which is what Vontaze Burfict does on the field, baby. He gets emotional, and it all just has to come out, even if it means taking a play or two off. He just loves SO HARD. Sometimes it comes off the wrong way. Besides, those refs don’t know him like you know him. They don’t have that connection. They’re just jealous of the love you and Vontaze Burfict share. Wait, not share, experience.
So maybe you and Vontaze go to a little couples’ therapy? Everyone’s got issues to work out. And he wants to make this work. His ex, the old guy from Miami, just doesn’t understand him. Not like you do.
But don’t let that deter you from true love. Your team. Vontaze Burfict. It’ll be magic. Just wait and see. Draft all 248 pounds of slimmed-down love machine straight outta Tempe, and he’ll show you the world. Or at least New Orleans.