Tale Of The Tape: Brian Wilson vs. Brian Wilson

November 4, 2010 – 1:00 pm by Ryan Phillips

Now that the World Series has ended and the San Francisco Giants have won, the team’s increasingly nutty closer, Brian Wilson, is officially a World Series Champion. If you know anything about him, then you’re aware that it’s amazing that Wilson is able to function on a daily basis in society, let alone perform at a high level athletically.

His level of madness got us thinking about another man with the same name, the creative genius behind the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson. Both guys are certainly disturbed, but just who is more batsh*t insane? We decided to line the two gentlemen up Tale of the Tape style to figure out just who is the crazier Brian Wilson?


Vital Statistics
Brian Wilson (Giants): 6’1, 195-pound closer. The 28-year-old is a native of Londonderry, New Hampshire and attended LSU before being a 24th round pick of the Giants in the 2003 MLB Draft. Possesses a fastball that reaches 98 mph and a wicked slider.
Brian Wilson (Beach Boys): The 68-year-old Wilson was the creative force behind the Beach Boys and has been referred to by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as “One of the few undisputed geniuses in popular music.” Rolling Stone lists him at No. 52 on its list of the 100 Greatest Singers of All Time.
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Beach Boys)

Giants: Looks like he dyed it with shoe polish.
Beach Boys: Looked like “The Dude”
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Giants)

Personal Obsession
Giants: His status as a “certified Ninja.”
Beach Boys: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Giants)

Evidence Of Insanity
Giants: Took a call on a Zack Morris phone live on “Rome is Burning” from “Machine.” Then pulled a gimp mask out of his back pocket.
Beach Boys: Spent the better part of three years in bed, over-eating, doing drugs and listening to The Beatles over and over.
Advantage: Push

Site of craziness
Giants: Baton Rouge, San Francisco.
Beach Boys: His bedroom, mostly.
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Beach Boys)

Supporting Cast
Giants: Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Buster Posey, Barry Zito, Jonathan Sanchez, Madison Bumgarner.
Beach Boys: Dennis and Carl Wilson, Al Jardine and Mike Love.
Advantage: Push

Fueling His Craziness
Giants: Red Bull. Self-love.
Beach Boys: Every drug ever discovered. An obsession with never being better than The Beatles. Self-loathing.
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Beach Boys)

Giants: (When asked by Jim Rome about becoming a Ninja in a dream) “They made a movie about it.” (Which movie?) “Inception.” (And?) “It went well. So I hear.”
Beach Boys: “Being single is like liking a Phil Spector record.”
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Giants)

Biggest Fear
Giants: Not having cameras around to document his craziness.
Beach Boys: Eugene Landy.
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Beach Boys)

Giants: Has 134 career saves and a 3.18 career ERA. Two-time All-Star. World Series Champion.
Beach Boys: Member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Grammy Award Winner. “I Get Around,” “Help Me Rhonda,” “Good Vibrations.”
Advantage: Brian Wilson (Beach Boys)

Verdict: 5-3 Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys

Yeah, if you stay in bed for three years doing almost nothing with your life, you are going to win any crazy contest you’re entered in. Maybe in a few years the Giants’ closer can challenge the subject of a Barenaked Ladies song again, but for now the former Beach Boys frontman takes this one.

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