This week, the truth finally dawned upon me: fantasy football is horseshit, and I will never play it again after this season.
I should have realized this in 2005, when a girl who knew nothing about football other than she liked Tiki Barber won our league title. And I’m not saying that because she’s a girl. I mean she really didn’t know football, but we needed an extra person to get an even number of teams and she worked in the office and was a competitive enough person to join despite her ignorance. I spent most of the last five years thinking “I guess that just served us right for thinking we’d walk all over her.”
Now I know the truth. The whole thing is a crapshoot, a sham, and a waste of all our money.
This week in both of my leagues, I saw every single reason that I hate fantasy football shine in living color.
One of my teams, Bob Christian’s Sister, will be off to a 1-2 start thanks to what some would call “mismanagement” but I call the stupid-ass luck that makes fantasy football suck. I bought into the preseason hype and made Joe Flacco my starting quarterback this year. When he sucked horribly in the first two games, I sat his ass on the bench and went with backup Kyle Orton. Orton did well enough this week with 24 points, but naturally the real Flacco came out of hiding and out-did him with 28. But it was far from being my most egregious lineup mistake.
That would be the decision to start Miles Austin at wideout — a no-brainer given the nature of the Texans’ pass defense — instead of Austin Collie. Naturally, Austin finished with 2 points while Collie had 29.
In my other league — well, it’s not really my league since my friend is paying me to co-manage his team in a big-money league — things worked out just as crappily. Previously major bust C.J. Spiller was kept on our bench, where he racked up 25.5 points of worthlessness. Meanwhile, we started Jags wideout Mike Sims-Walker at flex, and he played just as badly as you’d expect out of a guy with two last names with a whopping 4 points.
At this point, I don’t see either team reaching the playoffs. And I don’t see any point in continuing with fantasy football. The only reason I’m doing it anymore is out of some stupid obligation to my friends and peer pressure that makes you look like a total loser if you don’t have a team. I have no idea what people would even say if the question “How’s your fantasy team doing?” was met with “Fuck that shit.”
But that’s the point where I’m at, learning my lesson five years after the fact.