I Quit

September 27, 2010 – 12:41 am by Hickey

This week, the truth finally dawned upon me: fantasy football is horseshit, and I will never play it again after this season.

I should have realized this in 2005, when a girl who knew nothing about football other than she liked Tiki Barber won our league title. And I’m not saying that because she’s a girl. I mean she really didn’t know football, but we needed an extra person to get an even number of teams and she worked in the office and was a competitive enough person to join despite her ignorance. I spent most of the last five years thinking “I guess that just served us right for thinking we’d walk all over her.”

Now I know the truth. The whole thing is a crapshoot, a sham, and a waste of all our money.

This week in both of my leagues, I saw every single reason that I hate fantasy football shine in living color.

One of my teams, Bob Christian’s Sister, will be off to a 1-2 start thanks to what some would call “mismanagement” but I call the stupid-ass luck that makes fantasy football suck. I bought into the preseason hype and made Joe Flacco my starting quarterback this year. When he sucked horribly in the first two games, I sat his ass on the bench and went with backup Kyle Orton. Orton did well enough this week with 24 points, but naturally the real Flacco came out of hiding and out-did him with 28. But it was far from being my most egregious lineup mistake.

That would be the decision to start Miles Austin at wideout — a no-brainer given the nature of the Texans’ pass defense — instead of Austin Collie. Naturally, Austin finished with 2 points while Collie had 29.

In my other league — well, it’s not really my league since my friend is paying me to co-manage his team in a big-money league — things worked out just as crappily. Previously major bust C.J. Spiller was kept on our bench, where he racked up 25.5 points of worthlessness. Meanwhile, we started Jags wideout Mike Sims-Walker at flex, and he played just as badly as you’d expect out of a guy with two last names with a whopping 4 points.

At this point, I don’t see either team reaching the playoffs. And I don’t see any point in continuing with fantasy football. The only reason I’m doing it anymore is out of some stupid obligation to my friends and peer pressure that makes you look like a total loser if you don’t have a team. I have no idea what people would even say if the question “How’s your fantasy team doing?” was met with “Fuck that shit.”

But that’s the point where I’m at, learning my lesson five years after the fact.

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  1. 8 Responses to “I Quit”

  2. I quit the year that I took Tom Brady in the first round only to see his knee shredded early in the game. I decided that I’d had enough of this horseshit then and have never played fantasy football again.

    By MJenks on Sep 27, 2010

  3. You suck at Fantasy Football so you’re going to quit. Got it.

    By Peno on Sep 27, 2010

  4. I totally concur. Fuck Shonn Greene, fuck Marquis Colston, fuck Mike Wallace, Fuck Steve Smith (well, umm, retard face Jimmy Clauson, and fuck the Pittsburgh D. Im done with it all bitches.

    By The3rdMan on Sep 27, 2010

  5. So far, my first two picks (SJax, Grant) are injured, I’ve chosen the wrong QB the first three weeks between Schaub and Orton, and in order to win this week, I need Johnnie Knox to score less than 13 points – which, of course, means he will catch 12 passes for 230 yards and 4 TD.

    By Ryan on Sep 27, 2010

  6. I quit when I had three 1,000 yard rushers on my team, Vincent Jackson and Peyton Manning as my quarterback and still managed to miss the playoffs.

    By McD on Sep 27, 2010

  7. Fantasy football has about a 20% chance to be really fun, otherwise it causes you to root for players even at the mercy of cheering against your own team, and often ruins my Sunday.

    I keep doing it because of how fun drafting a team is, the fact that it gives me something to do when I am bored at work, and an outlet to be competitive with my friends…

    By Dave on Sep 27, 2010

  8. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I lost Ryan Grant for the season in one of my leagues. And it’s not a matter of being good. It’s a matter of getting lucky.

    By Hick Flick on Sep 27, 2010

  9. Followup…yep…Knox had 4 catches, 96 total yards = 13.6 points. I’m 0-3.

    By Ryan on Sep 28, 2010

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