I don’t like tossing around phrases like “out of his f-ing mind” and “batsh*t crazy” but sometimes it just applies.
While he may have issues fitting through doorways, Detroit Lions rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh might just fit into both of those previously mentioned categories. Apparently Suh and his agent have asked the Lions to pony up with a six-year contract worth roughly $90 million dollars, with more than $56 million in guaranteed money.
The only explanation is that Suh is attempting to buy an island somewhere in the Pacific where he can do all sorts of taboo experiments merging human and animal DNA, while referring to the produced offspring as his “children.” And yes, that can be the only explanation, since no sane human would believe that a defensive tackle – let alone a rookie defensive tackle – ever deserved that much money for anything.
As the No. 2 pick from the 2010 NFL Draft, Suh is asking for more money than No. 1 pick Sam Bradford just got. The fact that Bradford is a quarterback and was drafted higher than him apparently means nothing to Suh and his camp.
Now look, I like Ndamukong Suh. If I didn’t know anything about the guy I’d still like him for his name alone. But he seems to be a really good kid and was easily the best player in the 2010 draft. That said, he doesn’t play a “premium” position. Clearly he’s not going to get more than Bradford’s $50 million in guaranteed money. Yes, Bradford’s total – which was the biggest guaranteed contract in NFL history – was ridiculous, but that doesn’t mean Suh deserves a similar deal.
Suh plays defensive tackle. That means that at any moment during his career he’ll never be more than five tuna melts away from being fat and out of shape. For example, I would swear on a stack of Bibles that Dan Wilkinson actually pumped my gas two weeks ago. Seriously.
So Ndamukong, if you know what’s good for you just get a deal done for somewhere between Bradford’s deal and the one signed by No. 3 overall pick Gerald McCoy. Then get your gigantic ass into training camp and start playing.
It’ll be best for everyone. Including the inhabitants of that island I know you’ve got your eye on.