Everyone seems to be debating whether or not that Phillies fan should have been tasered when he ran on to the field Monday night. We’re not sure where we stand on this issue. It’s a dicey subject. When using a taser you need to be certain of your target and make 100 percent sure they’re worthy of taking a 50,000 volts.
We decided to make a list of fans who definitely deserve to be tasered, whether rushing the field or not. (With a few exemptions)
1. People who call their friends and wave to them in order to get on television.We considered an exemption if your friend calls and says, “Hey I think you’re on TV,” but you need to be the bigger man. Plus, you shouldn’t be on your damn phone in the ballpark anyway.
2. Grown men who bring their gloves to games. Exemption: If you’re at the game with a kid and trying to grab a ball for the kid. Or, if you’re like Hick Flick and still act like a child in every other aspect of your life too.
3. People who wear jerseys of teams not involved in the game. Exemption: Jerseys of fictional teams, such as the Charleston Chiefs from “Slap Shot” or New York Knights from “The Natural.”
4. Fans who reach out and touch balls on the field of play. Exemption: If you jump out of the stadium to grab a ball that is already out of play, like that one Bears fan on Monday Night Football in the ’90s.
5. People who personalize jerseys with their own name on the back. You are not a professional athlete and never will be no matter what your jersey says.
6. Yankees fans.
7. Fans who bring Thundersticks or Air horns to sporting events. Anyone sitting within arms reach of these people are absolutely within their rights to pummel them with said Thundersticks or deafen them with Air horns.
8. Anyone who puts a team flag on their car. Or, to use a term coined by a friend of the site, “Flaggots.” There are no exemptions for rules five through eight. In any circumstance. Ever.
9. People who stand up and leave their row in the middle of an inning, completely ignoring ballpark etiquette. Exemptions: You’re about to soil yourself after having too many nachos.
10. Philadelphia fans. I mean the list of reasons is long and distinguished and I don’t think we really need to go into depth on it, so we’ll let someone else do that. Exemption: You’re a cast member of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”
So according to our list the cops were actually completely justified tasering that kid Monday night. He was clearly a Phillies fan, therefore it falls within the limits of our rules. Sorry kid, you had it coming.