Sports Fans Who Should Definitely Be Tasered

May 4, 2010 – 5:28 pm by Ryan Phillips

Everyone seems to be debating whether or not that Phillies fan should have been tasered when he ran on to the field Monday night. We’re not sure where we stand on this issue. It’s a dicey subject. When using a taser you need to be certain of your target and make 100 percent sure they’re worthy of taking a 50,000 volts.

We decided to make a list of fans who definitely deserve to be tasered, whether rushing the field or not. (With a few exemptions)

1. People who call their friends and wave to them in order to get on television.We considered an exemption if your friend calls and says, “Hey I think you’re on TV,” but you need to be the bigger man. Plus, you shouldn’t be on your damn phone in the ballpark anyway.

2. Grown men who bring their gloves to games. Exemption: If you’re at the game with a kid and trying to grab a ball for the kid. Or, if you’re like Hick Flick and still act like a child in every other aspect of your life too.

3. People who wear jerseys of teams not involved in the game. Exemption: Jerseys of fictional teams, such as the Charleston Chiefs from “Slap Shot” or New York Knights from “The Natural.”

4. Fans who reach out and touch balls on the field of play. Exemption: If you jump out of the stadium to grab a ball that is already out of play, like that one Bears fan on Monday Night Football in the ’90s.

5. People who personalize jerseys with their own name on the back. You are not a professional athlete and never will be no matter what your jersey says.

6. Yankees fans.

7. Fans who bring Thundersticks or Air horns to sporting events. Anyone sitting within arms reach of these people are absolutely within their rights to pummel them with said Thundersticks or deafen them with Air horns.

8. Anyone who puts a team flag on their car. Or, to use a term coined by a friend of the site, “Flaggots.” There are no exemptions for rules five through eight. In any circumstance. Ever.

9. People who stand up and leave their row in the middle of an inning, completely ignoring ballpark etiquette. Exemptions: You’re about to soil yourself after having too many nachos.

10. Philadelphia fans. I mean the list of reasons is long and distinguished and I don’t think we really need to go into depth on it, so we’ll let someone else do that. Exemption: You’re a cast member of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

So according to our list the cops were actually completely justified tasering that kid Monday night. He was clearly a Phillies fan, therefore it falls within the limits of our rules. Sorry kid, you had it coming.

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  1. 4 Responses to “Sports Fans Who Should Definitely Be Tasered”

  2. Taser anyone who evades security and enters a sports venue!! Who knows what the moron has in mind? If they are afraid of a taser, then they should stay in their seats and annoy only the fans in the adjacent seat (who probably came with them).

    By Dr. Chuck on May 5, 2010

  3. Love #5. I never could figure out why you’d get your own name on a jersey. As for #8, I think there should be an exception for those travelling directly to a game, or home assuming their team won. Thoughts? And #9 should focus on hockey more so than baseball, as those who don’t wait for a whistle are worse than those who might make you miss a pitch.

    By ZP on May 5, 2010

  4. I would definitely add a few athletes to the list as well:

    1. Athletes who go after fans in the stands — Hey Ron-Ron, I pay your salary so if I wanna call your mama a hoe, tough sh-t.

    2. Athletes who whine — because of calls they didn’t like by refs/line judges, or especially about their contract situation. You’re making more money in one month than I could ever hope to make in a lifetime. STFU already!

    3. All Dodgers players — notice I said “players” not “athletes”

    4. Tiger Woods — although he would probably LIKE it.

    5. Lawrence Taylor — ’nuff said. He needs to be tazed in his nut sack and then tossed into the skinner joint for good.

    By 22gigantes on May 6, 2010

  5. How about women who know nothing about sports but came with their boyfriend to the game and repeatedly ask “What’s the score?”

    By Cousin Charlie on May 6, 2010

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