With the Raiders trading for Jason Campbell and JaMarcus Russell reportedly weighing in at over 300 pounds these days, it seems pretty clear that Mr. Russell’s future in Oakland is over. And if you can’t make it in Oakland, you can also be fairly certain that your future in football is over.
We’d certainly hate to see a young talent like JaMarcus collecting unemployment, so we’ve offered the following suggestions for his future.
– With a few more pounds, a switch to nose tackle in a 3-4 scheme could offer a chance to keep JaMarcus’ football career alive.
– One cannot rule out the possiblity of a starring role in “Fat Albert On Ice.” Especially considering Phillips starts most conversations pertaining to Russell with “Hey, hey, hey it’s JaMaaarrrcus Russell.”
– Star of an episode of Intervention that focuses on his addiction to pork rinds.
– Personal trainer to the stars. If the star is Kirstie Alley.
– Ben Roethlisberger’s new bodyguard.
– Make money off of taking a picture on a motorcycle next to those fat twins. (Actually, turns out they’re dead. Who would have guessed? Perhaps he’d be better off getting his picture taken next to Stanley Roberts on a motorcycle and reinventing the genre).
– Correspondent for Fox News. This is the one place his accuracy will never be questioned.
– Star of a new reality series with Ryan Leaf that will be loosely based on “The Two Coreys.” Only hopefully no one in “The Two Busts” will die soon. Sorry Chargers fans, I’m not heartless enough to root for that.
– Russell could dedicate his life to the art of Sumo. His goal would be becoming the first African American to attain the title of Yokozuna.
– Pitch a show to ESPN 3 called “The Superbusts.” A deviation from the classic TV show “Superstars” in which the biggest busts from sports history compete in basic athletic competitions against each other. Some possible fellow entrants: Ryan Leaf, Tony Mandarich, Akili Smith, Lawrence Phillips, Matt Bush, Brien Taylor, Charles Rogers, Darko Milicic, Mike Mamula, Andre Wadsworth, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, etc.