The Future of JaMarcus Russell

April 27, 2010 – 1:10 pm by Hickey

With the Raiders trading for Jason Campbell and JaMarcus Russell reportedly weighing in at over 300 pounds these days, it seems pretty clear that Mr. Russell’s future in Oakland is over. And if you can’t make it in Oakland, you can also be fairly certain that your future in football is over.

We’d certainly hate to see a young talent like JaMarcus collecting unemployment, so we’ve offered the following suggestions for his future.

– With a few more pounds, a switch to nose tackle in a 3-4 scheme could offer a chance to keep JaMarcus’ football career alive.

– One cannot rule out the possiblity of a starring role in “Fat Albert On Ice.” Especially considering Phillips starts most conversations pertaining to Russell with “Hey, hey, hey it’s JaMaaarrrcus Russell.”

– Star of an episode of Intervention that focuses on his addiction to pork rinds.

– Personal trainer to the stars. If the star is Kirstie Alley.

– Ben Roethlisberger’s new bodyguard.

– Make money off of taking a picture on a motorcycle next to those fat twins. (Actually, turns out they’re dead. Who would have guessed? Perhaps he’d be better off getting his picture taken next to Stanley Roberts on a motorcycle and reinventing the genre).

– Correspondent for Fox News. This is the one place his accuracy will never be questioned.

– Star of a new reality series with Ryan Leaf that will be loosely based on “The Two Coreys.” Only hopefully no one in “The Two Busts” will die soon. Sorry Chargers fans, I’m not heartless enough to root for that.

– Russell could dedicate his life to the art of Sumo. His goal would be becoming the first African American to attain the title of Yokozuna.

– Pitch a show to ESPN 3 called “The Superbusts.” A deviation from the classic TV show “Superstars” in which the biggest busts from sports history compete in basic athletic competitions against each other. Some possible fellow entrants: Ryan Leaf, Tony Mandarich, Akili Smith, Lawrence Phillips, Matt Bush, Brien Taylor, Charles Rogers, Darko Milicic, Mike Mamula, Andre Wadsworth, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, etc.

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  1. 17 Responses to “The Future of JaMarcus Russell”

  2. russel walked into an impossible situation.he should of had crabtree with him and i dont even like the raiders.he deserves one more shot somewhere else.jacksonville?

    By patmac619 on Apr 27, 2010

  3. Matt Bush… what a wasted draft pick for the Padres… Hey JaMarcus, a few other sports players have gone on the nutrisystem diet, why not give it a chance?

    By Will on Apr 27, 2010

  4. Finally a bigger bust than Ryan Leaf? I say he’s out of football within two years.

    By Chris on Apr 27, 2010

  5. Let’s fave it this is all his doing. He sat out the first year, for more money. The second year he played like a sh..t. This guy should have never been in the NFL in the beginning. And now, he just don’t care. Made alot of money doing nothing. Just go away!!!!!!!!

    By Car on Apr 28, 2010

  6. Bigger bust then leaf….lol What a joke you would have to be a someone first at least leaf had a good college game, The only reason he was ever someone was the coach and team he had around him at LSU, russell is a joke quaterback always was and always will be, thank god the rest of the world has, caught on, as for campbell good luck oakland maybe they should look at what he did in college also nothing great running backs, and some how someone thinks he’s got talenet, hope oakland don’t look at campbell to take them back to the promise land….lmao

    By Chris on Apr 28, 2010

  7. Just another thug with no character who doesn’t make it in professional sports. Not everyone can be Peyton Manning or Drew Brees, but this guy doesn’t even try. He’s a Pacman Jones in the making, and will be out of the NFL and into prison soon.

    By billb0925 on Apr 28, 2010

  8. Classic….this may be the first article in history to combine Kirstie Alley, sumo wrestling, and ‘The Two Koreys’ ! Well done

    By mk on Apr 28, 2010

  9. this blog has itself some boderline racist readers apparently

    By Dave on Apr 28, 2010

  10. Dave,
    Borderline? That’s being kind. Just deleted a comment. Try to keep it clean and non-racist please folks.


    By Phillips on Apr 28, 2010

  11. C’mon billbo0925, seriously? The guy doesn’t pan out as a QB and suddenly he’s a thug who’s going to jail? Enjoy your next Tea Party gathering…

    By WiseGuyAction on Apr 28, 2010

  12. my comment was deleted and was called racist — not just borderline. really?
    fat and greasy are not exclusively african american traits. ever heard of fast food? it is an american favorite, and last i checked, obesity affects every race.
    plenty of other races have people who fit large and greasy profiles — rosie o’donnell, that chinese kid who sang a whitney houston jam on the internet, emiril and an array of latino comics. i guess grease is too politically hot to discuss on the internet.
    i am, in fact, multi-racial (mostly hispanic, so don’t get too offended by the latino comic line). my old man is proud of his greasiness and his rubbing of a rag on his skin is where i got my inspiration for my original comment.
    nothing about what i said seemed offensive. it was a joke. there are far worse jokes being told on network television (e.g. family guy) and cable (e.g. south park, dave chapelle, etc.). so, to have my comment deleted from the web with no use of racial slur, foul language or violent racial scenario seems odd (note: from what i understand, being made into soap is a voluntary practice and no more violent than applying hand moisturizer or watching the notebook.)
    furthermore, grease is something that proactive acne solutions fights against and their poster child is the whitest teen on earth — hayden pantierre. what? not way. she’s not a minority how can she be greasy? well, because all races are affected by oily skin.
    so, where is the racism? russell is out of the league, likely depressed and looking for work. i suggested a ridiculous number of odd jobs in his future. finding work as soap or grease are so far fetched that i hardly think they qualify as realistic opinions beyond football; rather, i believe my suggestions are more so satire — not pornographic and obscene.
    satire: protected under the first amendment. pornographic and obscene: not as much.
    sorry i offended anyone, but i would suggest this: lighten up — the author of this post made light of corey haim’s premature death and that seemed ok. probably the satirical nature of the joke, i guess.

    By ao on Apr 28, 2010

  13. Looks like we had quite the brouhaha while I wasn’t paying attention. I think everybody just needs to calm down or JaMarcus will be sent to sit on you.

    By Hick Flick on Apr 28, 2010

  14. AO,
    Fair enough but remember, the first amendment just says “Congress shall make no law … abridging the freedom of speech or of the press”

    We’re not Congress, we’re a sports blog. Sorry if we all misinterpreted the context of your comment but we have to err on the side of not being offensive.

    I do appreciate your follow up comment.

    By Phillips on Apr 28, 2010

  15. cool, i just didn’t want to be a faceless racist, so i followed up with what my intent of the comment was.
    next time i’ll just say he should find work as an inflatable playground for kids to jump on.

    By ao on Apr 28, 2010

  16. AO,
    See that’s funny and you can’t question it haha.

    Feel free to comment any time.

    By Phillips on Apr 28, 2010

  17. I love the Fox News comment.

    By Cousin Charlie on Apr 28, 2010

  18. i was actually also referring to the comment about assuming he’s a thug, even more so than the grease comment. I wasn’t sure if the grease comment was referring to him being black or the fact that he was fat, but the thug comment implies that a black nfl guy will resort to being a thug as soon as he finds some free time. Russell may be lazy in terms of putting in the work needed to be an nfl qb, but there are also plenty of accounts of him being a decent human being. The dude housed hurricane victims while in college.

    By Dave on Apr 29, 2010

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