America’s Curling Crisis

February 18, 2010 – 3:02 am by Hickey


From the Aleutians to Key West, there’s one question on every American’s mind: has the U.S. Curling program hit rock bottom? (Also, did you catch the pun there?)

The Americans are currently a combined 0-5 in the Olympics, with the men posting an 0-3 mark and the women going 0 for their first two matches. And just like any other red-blooded American, I’m not going to take this sitting. We’re in last place, people! This is unacceptable! Change needs to come, and it needs to come from the top!

It is clear that we can no longer compete in curling at an international level with these amateurs taking the ice. We need to start anew and get our best curling professionals out there!

There’s no such thing? Crap.

In that case we need to fire the coach. Both of them. I’m sure Coach K could get the best out of this squad. I mean, the men have already given up eight stolen ends!

When will the madness stop? The time to take a stand is now!

Who’s with me?

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  1. 7 Responses to “America’s Curling Crisis”

  2. I caught the pun there. We need a GM to pick the curling team like they do with USA basketball.

    By McD on Feb 18, 2010

  3. Germans?

    Go with it, he’s rolling.

    I got the pun, too. I applaud bad sports puns. Combined with clips from Animal House, this could be the perfect post…

    By MJenks on Feb 18, 2010

  4. Five losses that can be tracked to five or six terribly thrown shots by the Americans. The strategy has been pretty solid, one mistake by McCormick against the Japanese notwithstanding.
    It has been great seeing my winter hobby on national tv though.

    By Booter on Feb 18, 2010

  5. Yeah Schuster’s late game execution is pathetic. Curl that rock onto the button damnit! That dude is the mid 2000s Arod of olympic curling.

    By Dave on Feb 18, 2010

  6. Schuster sucks. That ass hole is killing us.

    By TheBaker on Feb 18, 2010

  7. The obvious solution is to get Marge and Skinner on the team.

    By red on Feb 18, 2010

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