Tale Of The Tape: 2009 New Jersey Nets vs. 2008 Detroit Lions

December 3, 2009 – 2:16 am by Ryan Phillips

new-jersey-nets-logodetroit-lions-logo

Well, it finally happened. The New Jersey Nets have finally made their mark on the NBA and have done it in spectacular fashion. The 2009 Nets have now broken the league mark for futility to open a season and now sport record-shattering mark of 0-18.

So just where do the Nets rank on the list of the all-time worst teams in all of sports? We’re not sure, so we figured it was prudent to match them up side-by-side with the gold standard for atrociousness, the 2008 Detroit Lions and their 0-16 record.

Time for a little tale of the tape magic!

Home City
Nets: East Rutherford, New Jersey. Have you been there? I have, don’t go. When people refer to a place as a “dump” they’re really just comparing it to North Jersey.
Lions: Detroit, Michigan. Well, I’ll say this in favor of the Motor City, it still exists…technically.
Advantage: Push

Marquee Player
Nets: Devin Harris
Lions: Calvin Johnson
Advantage: Lions

Coach(es)
Nets: Lawrence Frank (fired), Tom Barrise (interim for one game), Kiki Vandeweghe
Lions: Rod Marinelli
Advantage: Nets

General Manager(s)
Nets: Kiki Vandeweghe
Lions: Matt Millen (fired), Martin Mayhew
Advantage: Nets

Offensive Point Man
Nets: Rafer Alston
Lions: Dan Orlovsky, Daunte Culpepper, Jon Kitna
Advantage: Ugh, Push

Mascot
Nets: The things that New Jersey’s players recently learned they’re supposed to be aiming for. Also the things that light on fire NBA Jam style when opposing teams face them.
Lions: The king of the jungle. Though we’re assuming they don’t mean wild African lions. We’re thinking they mean the type of lion that would be found on Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride.
Advantage: Lions

Organizational Mantra During Season
Nets: At least we’ll have the cap space to go after LeBron James.
Lions: At least we’ll have a great draft.
Advantage: Lions

Famous Owners
Nets: Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter
Lions: The Ford Family
Advantage: Nets

Most Disappointing Player
Nets: Yi Jianlian
Lions: Roy Williams
Advantage: Lions

Player Showing Surprising Competence
Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts
Lions: Kevin Smith
Advantage: Nets

Player Fans Pin Future Hopes On
Nets: Brook Lopez
Lions: Ernie Sims
Advantage: Nets

Psychological State Of Average Fan
Nets: Crippling doucheyness
Lions: Crippling depression
Advantage: Lions

Verdict: 5-5 tie

We have a Rumors and Rants first here but really, how else could it end? Neither team could win a game when they played. Who are we to change history?

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  1. 12 Responses to “Tale Of The Tape: 2009 New Jersey Nets vs. 2008 Detroit Lions”

  2. Player Fans Pin Future Hopes On
    Nets: Brook Lopez
    Lions: Ernie Sims
    Advantage: Nets

    Hmm that’s news to me.

    By Bob on Dec 3, 2009

  3. Bob,
    Well it was meant as like “player fans CAN pin their future hopes on.” Basically best thing they had going for them (other than Calvin Johnson) for Detroit.

    By Phillips on Dec 3, 2009

  4. Guarantee the Nets break the skid on Sunday when they host the Knicks in what will possibley be the worst display of professional basketball to ever take place in the NYC metropolitan area.

    By Living with Balls on Dec 3, 2009

  5. Phillips,

    That may have been true in 06 and maybe even in 07 when Calvin was drafted, but I think most Lions fans are really excited about Stafford, Kevin Smith still (once they get a decent line), and Brandon Pettigrew. In fact, there was trade talk about Ernie because we have Foote and Peterson now, although Foote is on the older side. Didn’t mean to nit pick, but I guess it comes off that way. Nice post and congrats on the hot clicks linkage.

    By Bob on Dec 4, 2009

  6. Forgot to mention Louis Delmas, he’s probably ahead of Sims on defense.

    By Bob on Dec 4, 2009

  7. Don’t sell the Lions short. By my cookalations the Nets need to lose 64 more games to match our imperfect season.

    By Roy on Dec 4, 2009

  8. thanks

    By Walter on Feb 25, 2011

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