Apparently, Tiger Woods Thinks He’s Don Draper

December 10, 2009 – 2:05 pm by Ryan Phillips

don-draper

Throughout this whole Tiger Woods sleeping around scandal a few cringe-worthy things have become obvious about golf’s former golden boy.

First, Woods obviously has an insatiable sexual appetite. The dude apparently has lots of freaky, non-marital sex.

Second, while a few of his mistresses weren’t bad looking, he wasn’t really picky. Apparently if you’ve got a pulse, Tiger is down (as far as we know thus far, but the way this thing is going, who knows?). I mean the guy nailed two older, below-average looking porn stars. Yeesh. You can’t go much lower than that.

Lastly, it has been revealed through countless leaked text messages that Woods wasn’t just trying to have no-strings sex with tons of women. No, Tiger was creating relationships with them (Jaimee Grubbs was reportedly “heartbroken” when she found out he had nearly a dozen mistresses) .Not only was Woods a really jealous “boyfriend” but he clearly wanted to control the girls he was having affairs with and be their only relationship, despite the fact that he was, you know, married.

Woods created a fantasy world in which he led women to believe he really wanted to be with them, not just use them for sex. Now those same women are all fighting over who was really his No. 1 girl. Or, as Butters would say, his bottom b*tch.

The world Tiger was creating is eerily similar to the relationships Mad Men protagonist Don Draper forges on a regular basis. While Draper usually just has one women he goes to repeatedly outside his marriage, he doesn’t just make the situation about sex, he actually convinces the women that love exists between them. It looks like Tiger was doing the same exact thing.

The difference between Woods and Draper is that Don actually allows himself to fall in love with the women he lures in, Tiger – who is apparently an emotionless automaton – plays them.

The other difference between the two: Don Draper is a character on a television show, Tiger Woods is an actual human being. Seriously Tiger, what were you thinking man? There’s a reason none of Draper’s mistresses ever came forward and got him in trouble…they weren’t real!

Woods’ attempt to “Draperize” his tedious existence is both sad and hilarious, it’s even sadder and more hilarious that so many women have fallen for his load of complete BS.

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  1. 8 Responses to “Apparently, Tiger Woods Thinks He’s Don Draper”

  2. The idea of those women fighting for the title of #1 Mistress makes me wanna barf and turn in my lady parts.

    It’s funny, though, with Don Draper, how few of his mistresses actually do fall for him. Most of them are just looking for him to pull their hair and stick his hand up their skirts. God, I love that show.

    By Red on Dec 10, 2009

  3. I was at first disappointed in seeing this post because I’ve gotten sick of the Tiger drama pretty quickly. However, the Mad Men comparison is surprisingly apt and pretty original. Plus it’s an awesome show. I approve.

    By Pablo on Dec 11, 2009

  4. Thanks for the approval Pablo. Any time I can get a thumbs up from someone at Harvard it makes me feel better about myself.

    By Phillips on Dec 11, 2009

  5. Uh oh, did you see Simmons’ new mailbag? He saves this comparison for the end and really blows it out of the water describing a pivotal scene from the end of season 1. Good stuff, he’s clearly reading R&R

    By Pablo on Dec 12, 2009

  6. Didn’t read the Simmons thing, because I want to stab myself in the temple by the end of 99 percent of his columns. But my whole point was that Tiger thinks he’s Don, but that in fact, he’s not. Because he doesn’t actually fall in love with his mistresses, he just acts like he is.

    By Phillips on Dec 13, 2009

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