Seriously, Does Anything In Detroit Not Suck?

October 19, 2009 – 12:29 am by Ryan Phillips


Man, Detroit really sucks. We’ve been over this before and the entire country is completely aware of that fact, but now there’s even more evidence of the Motor City’s awfulness.

On Sunday during the Detroit marathon, three runners died. Three!!! This wasn’t just some old guy who shouldn’t have been running, or some random middle-aged dude suffering a heart attack. Three people died.

Daniel Langdon, who was 36-years-old, collapsed at 9:02 a.m. between the 11 and 12-mile markers. Then Rick Brown, 65, collapsed at 9:17 a.m., right by where Langdon had gone down. Following that, at 9:18 a.m., Jon Fenlon collapsed just after finishing the half-marathon. Fenlon was just 26-years-old.

So three people died during a gigantic marathon in a major (or formerly major) American city. I’m pretty sure there were fewer deaths during the last marathon held in Kabul.

So to recap the past year for people from Detroit:
-Financial collapse kills virtually all industry in the town, including automakers.
-Detroit Pistons trade team’s heart and soul, Chauncey Billups, to the Denver Nuggets in exchange for Allen Iverson. Pistons regret move immediately.
-Detroit Lions go 0-16.
-Michigan State loses in NCAA basketball championship game to North Carolina at Ford Field.
-Detroit Red Wings lose at home to the Pittsburgh Penguins in game seven of the 2009 NHL Finals.
-Detroit Tigers collapse late in baseball season, are forced to play one-game playoff with Minnesota Twins, lose after phenomenal game and miss the postseason.
-The Tigers have to pay a slowly decomposing corpse resembling Magglio Ordonez $18 million in 2010 after he gets enough at-bats to qualify for an automatic extension.
-Lions start 2009 season 1-5 and their prized franchise quarterback is now injured.
-Three people die while running on the streets of the city.

So, yeah, I think we can all agree that Detroit sucks.

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  1. 12 Responses to “Seriously, Does Anything In Detroit Not Suck?”

  2. OK, I know you wrote this article just to grind my gears! Michigan State was lucky to reach the NCAA Finals, so there season was a huge success. With the Redwings, you can’t win them all…..4 cups in 12 years? Thats the most any team has in that time period. 11 total? They certainly don’t suck. Magglio kept the Tigers in the race for a while… Read More. The second half of the season he was batting over .400 so for us to stay competitive he was worth the $18 million. The Iverson trade was bad, yes, but eventually this was going to happen. The Pistons were going to get younger anyway, and it cleared up millions in cap space. Joe Dumars knows what he is doing. The Lions, can’t say much about them, but its clear that the players are playing much better under Jim Schwartz than Rod Marinelli (yesterday’s game doesn’t count because practically the whole team was injured). As far as the Auto Industry, well, Chrysler sucks….say what you want about them. They have been mismanaged for decades. Ford is kicking ass, without bailout money (meaning their debt wasnt wiped out like GM and Chrysler’s were), and GM’s market share is expected to increase this month according to analysts. The Detroit Marathon was tragic, yes, but when the three marathon runners collapsed pedestrians on the side of the road ran out to help them conducting CPR until medical staff arrived. Just shows you how great the people of Detroit are…..

    By Vince O'Connor on Oct 19, 2009

  3. Do you really know what Detroit is like?! Have you even been to Detroit?! FYI – two weeks ago, two 30-somethings died during a half marathon in San Jose (…but the press sure doesn’t seem to eat that up like they are the Detroit marathon deaths! Furthermore, we need to stop treating Detroit (and other cities) like they are different countries. If Americans do not work together to better Detroit/Michigan, it will have devistating consequences on all parts of the country. We need to start looking at our economy as a unified America (and further as a unified world, but I won’t get into that). Where do you think students graduating from Michigan colleges/universities are headed off to – Chicago, New York, DC? I live with three Michigan ex-pats in DC! As a result ,the job market in DC, or any other city, is becoming more and more competative because of the increase of “transplant” employees. I’m done Ranting!

    By Robert Gasior on Oct 20, 2009

  4. Runners die at marathons a lot. It happened in the NYC marathon last year. People just aren’t meant to run 26.2 miles at one time.

    By Living with Balls on Oct 20, 2009

  5. IU: 2nd tier Big Ten school.
    U-M (short drive from Detroit): Regarded by most as the best public University in the country
    Gary, Indiana makes Detroit look like NYC. The entire state is a hole. South Bend is dreary and depressing. Indianapolis is drab.
    Michigan is a beautiful state with incredible lakes and golf courses, and the suburbs of Detroit have much better nightlife than Indianapolis.

    Direct comparison of sports teams:

    Pro Hockey: Detroit Red Wings have 11 titles, and 4 in the last 12 years. Indiana doesn’t have a team.

    Pro baseball: Detroit Tigers have 4 titles and 10 AL pennants. Indiana doesn’t have a team.

    Pro basketball: Detroit Pistons have 3 NBA titles and 10 conference championships. Pacers have 0 NBA titles and 1 conference championship.

    Pro football: Detroit Lions have 4 NFL titles and 6 conference championships. The Colts have 5 NFL titles and 6 conference championships.

    College football: U-M is the winningest program in the country and has 11 titles. IU has no titles.

    So who really sucks Phillips? You do, your alma mater does, and your home state does. (I’m assuming that you wouldn’t dare go to IU if you hailed from another state and had the change to go somewhere else. But please, if you did grow up somewhere else, let me know where. Because unless it’s NYC, Boston, L.A. or Chicago, I’m 100% sure that it “sucks” way worse than Detroit.)

    By Chris on Oct 20, 2009

  6. I just realized a couple more things, Phillips. You list 9 reasons why “Detroit sucks” and 5 of them refer to a team that lost a game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals (June 2009), a team that lost in the NCAA Championship basketball game (April 2009), a team that was one run in a 12 inning gem of a baseball game away from making the MLB playoffs(October 2009), and a team that has made 9 straight NBA playoffs (2001-2009) and 6 of the last 7 NBA conference finals, respectively. Are you serious? Almost any other city in the country would kill for this type of success… in a lifetime.

    But worse than being a complete idiot when it comes to your analysis of sports, you are heartless to make light of the deaths of 3 people, 2 of whom died at very young ages while doing something worthwhile with their time, which is more than you can say, you pathetic, blogging geek. Stop hating and get a real job.

    By Chris on Oct 20, 2009

  7. The Lions do not suck the reffs in the NFL suck

    By Larry Overbeek on Jan 3, 2012

  8. People die in Marathons a lot. And sure, Detroit has its problems, but yet is still awesome in that it single-handedly created Punk, Funk, Grrrl Rock, Techno, Motown, Modern Garage, and even influenced Reggae…it has pretty much done more than every other city in the US in regards to music. Even NY & London musicians always talking about how Detroit influenced them.

    Besides, it could be worse than Detroit – It could be pretty much anywhere in Indiana, a.k.a., the embarrassing Alabama of the North Coast, a KKK stronghold, and a State full of know-nothing right-wing hicks and cornfields.

    By Jack on Dec 9, 2012

  9. I live here and it really does suck. Try reporting a crime if you are not the victim; it is impossible. I don’t know how murders get reported since the victim cannot report it. The DPD and the people answering the phones do not care at all about stopping crime and will tell you that by hanging up on you attempting to report crime.

    By Bruce S on Jan 5, 2016

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