English Preparing For 1776 All Over Again

October 21, 2009 – 12:09 am by Matthew Glenesk

mybrothersame-isdeadThe Americans are coming! The Americans are coming!

Sound the alarm. Ignite the beacon from the lighthouse.

On Sunday, the NFL is returning to London, England for a third consecutive year. So which team did America’s strongest economic asset send to our former colonial bosses?

The New England Patriots.

Summon the ghosts of Paul Revere and Sam Adams. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has already urged all citizens to hide their tea.

And the London faithful will be privy to what will be known as the “Wembley Massacre” as the Pats get to play the horrid Tampa Bay Buccaneers (though in Wembley Stadium, the scoreboard will read Tampa Bay Scallywags).

The game promises to be a blood-letting reminiscent of Bunker Hill. Or perhaps Tom Brady got his fill of TD passes in Sunday’s second quarter against Tennessee.

Some British fans are still apprehensive about the NFL, though the game is spreading there like syphilis in the 16th century. The Sun, a British tabloid, attempted to dispel some misconceptions about the American version of football and produced a helpful piece titled, “Top 10 Myths About The NFL.”

I’ve gone through the trouble of reproducing it here for you.

10. The games go on too long
Nonsense – we’re talking a couple hours actually. If you want a long, long game try cricket, golf, or round the world yachting.

9. It’s boring
Yes, all those last second victories, amazing catches, explosive hits and thrilling runs in front of 80,000 people are just plain dull. Gimme Macclesfield v Darlington on a freezing February any day.

8. It is too complicated
Seriously, if people like Chet here
can understand it, so can you.

7. They are a bunch of pansies wearing pads
Come on, wouldn’t you want to be wearing something to protect you from somebody like Shawne Merriman here stoving your head in?

andresmith16. There are too many players on the field
There are 22, actually, exactly the same as soccer and cricket, less than
rugby, but we accept, one or two more than boxing.

5. You don’t have to be fit – half the team is just big and fat
Yep, these guys look particularly
out of shape to us. Particularly compared to Premier League greats such as, er, Andy Reid or Nick Barmby.

(Their Andy Reid is exactly half the size of our Andy Reid.)

4. Why is it called football when it’s mostly played with your hands anyway?
Look, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches aren’t made with actually jelly, but they still taste bloody good, right?

3. All of the stopping and starting takes the pace out of the game Yes, absolutely no pace in the NFL whatsover. Which explains why the average receiver or running back can run the 40 yard dash in about 4.4 seconds.

(They had a picture of LT for this one. Must have been 2006 LT.)

2. It’s easy to kick when the ball’s always lined up straight
Not from 58 yards, in sub zero temperatures with 11 players trying to knock you out, it’s not.

1. The fans aren’t as hardcore as in other sports.
You don’t think this fellah
really gives a damn when his team loses, do you?!

Now, it’s my turn.

Facts about Englandteeth-amy-winehouse-400a071807
1.
They call drunk driving, drink driving. You’d think the folks who invented the language would do better.

2. The United Kingdom has the 18th best health care system according to the World Health Organization (19 spots higher than the USA), but apparently no dental.

3. After duping Tony Blair on WMDs, the English are skeptical about these 50-yard pass plays we describe as bombs.

4. The English like Burger King more than we do. Seriously. Though if it was called Burger Serf I doubt it would get as much play from those foppish monarchists.

5. Some of the UK’s hottest chicks come from a place called Wales (example: Catherine Zeta-Jones). Go figure.

6. No one really likes Ringo.

7. British newspapers sell themselves.

8. If you ask an Englishman what it’s like to know his country was once conquered by the French, he’ll scoff. Then he’ll tell you England wasn’t conquered by the French, it was conquered by the Normans.

9. The British refer to cigarettes as “fags.” Let’s hope nobody offers a “fag” to any of the visiting NFL players. It could get ugly.

10. Say what you will about Freddie Mercury, but that fruity bastard knew how to open a concert.

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  1. 4 Responses to “English Preparing For 1776 All Over Again”

  2. Did every 7th grader have to read My Brother Sam Is Dead? I remember hating that book.

    By Hick Flick on Oct 21, 2009

  3. Wow, the Premiership has a big fat guy named Andy Reid, too? Awesome.

    And, yeah, it was the Normans, not the French. And there were seven kingdoms (mainly) on Great Britain at the time. And they only won because no one told Harold NOT to look up into the sky during the middle of a battle.

    By MJenks on Oct 21, 2009

  4. Sorry, Hickey. It was like my favorite book from middle school other than 1984. But I really only liked that one because I was supposed to. “My Brother Sam Is Dead” is killing “Johnny Tremain.”

    By TheBaker on Oct 21, 2009

  5. It might actually be good. It just had the misfortune of being included in the 7th grade curriculum. If there is a hell, it would be living 7th grade for eternity.

    By Hick Flick on Oct 21, 2009

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