Congratulations, Detroit Lions! With your thrilling 19-14 victory over the Washington Football Club on Sunday, you removed the mantle of Crappiest Team in Football from your backs.
The question — which is not very easily answered — now becomes, who sucks most?
To me, it seems likes there is no clear-cut choice for this distinction. The NFL has begun to resemble pre-revolutionary France with distinct social classes. And as we can see, the bottom tier is truly wretched. Let’s see who this season’s miserable peasants are in the race for the No. 1 pick in the 2010 Draft. (I did not include the winless Titans on this list. They will get their crap turned around. At least enough to be 6-10).
WASHINGTON FOOTBALL CLUB (1-2)
The case for: Dude, you just lost to the Lions. And rumor has it that your coach is on the hot seat even though we’re only three games into the freaking season.
The case against: At least they’ve won a game. And any coach who works for Dan Snyder is going to be on the hot seat regardless of record.
OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-2)
The case for: If this man was running your team, wouldn’t you automatically fall into this category? Also, as a rule of thumb it’s not good to have a coach who punches his assistants in the face. And don’t get us started on JaMarcus Russell at quarterback… let’s just say it’s safe to say he’s on his way down the Cade McNown/Akili Smith career path.
The case against: This team could very well be 2-1 right now. But that’s all we’ve got. They could very well be 2-14 by the end of the season.
MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-3)
The case for: This team is only two seasons removed from being the worst in football, and with Chad Henne taking over for the injured Chad Pennington at quarterback for possibly the rest of the season, returning there is at least a possibility.
The case against: This team is also just one season removed from winning the AFC East. And it’s not like they actually passed the ball anyway. There’s little doubt that the Fins would destroy anyone else on this list — unless a ton of other people start getting hurt. I wouldn’t have even included them until Pennington’s injury appeared to be season-ending.
CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-3)
The case for: Jake Delhomme.
The case against: Delhomme appears to be the only guy on the team who actually sucks thoroughly.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (0-3)
The case for: They lost to the Raiders. At home.
The case against: See below?
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (0-3)
The case for: Clearly sensing that this season would be the Bucs’ return to the good old days, Tampa decided to bring back Bucco Bruce and the Creamsicles for a throwback game this year. They are starting a guy named Josh Johnson at quarterback this Sunday. At first I thought it was the Marlins pitcher trying a second sport, but turns out he’s some guy I’ve never heard of that played his college ball at San Diego. Not San Diego State. San Diego.
Oh, remember when the defense was good? They’ve given up the second-most points in the league this season.
The case against: Two of their next three games come against Washington and Carolina, so the possibility of a victory looms. (But please note that we did not say probability).
ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-3)
The case for: They’ve won five games the past two years. They sport the NFL’s longest current losing streak at 13 games. They’ve scored the fewest points in the NFL, and with starting QB Marc Bulger going down last week, they may be on the way to scoring even less frequently than The Baker.
The case against: There’s only one.
CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-3)
The case for: They’ve scored the second-fewest points in the league and have surrendered the most. Jamal Lewis, their leading rusher, has 95 yards ALL SEASON. The latest reports are that coach Eric Mangini has lost the locker room, but that sounds kind of fishy since it implies that he actually had it in the first place. Basically, this whole franchise is like a pair of shit-stained britches right now.
The case against: They play the Chiefs, Raiders, Lions, Bills and Bengals twice. There has to be a win in there somewhere. No way this team is pulling an ’08 Lions. (And yes, I know the Bengals are better this year, but when these two teams meet you really can throw the records out the window. Believe me, Bengals and Browns fans try to throw those records out every season).