Plaxico Burress was officially sentenced to two years in prison Tuesday for one of the dumbest crimes in American history. For those who don’t know, Plax – a guy who led the New York Giants to a Super Bowl win and was a hero throughout New York – was drinking at a nightclub when the loaded, unlicensed handgun he was hiding in the waistband of his sweatpants discharged, shooting him in the thigh.
There is so much wrong with that last sentence I’ll try to break it down. First, who goes to a club in sweatpants? Second, why was the gun unlicensed? Clearly as a public figure, Burress could have easily gotten a concealed weapons permit. Third, why on Earth was the gun loaded with the safety off inside a club? Fourth, he had a loaded gun tucked into the waistband of his sweatpants. That’s not exactly a sturdy holster. Fifth, drinking and handguns don’t mix. Lastly, if you’re going to discharge a firearm in a New York nightclub, it better be because Spider just mouthed off to you.
With all that considered one thing is for sure, Burress can’t possibly carry that story around for two years (20 months with good behavior) to tell everyone he runs into. I’ve seen enough prison movies to know that one of the first questions everyone is going to ask him will be “What are you in for?” Clearly being truthful is not in Plax’s best interests, since his story will inevitable one of two responses: 1. Are you f-ing kidding me? or 2. You’re an idiot.
Clearly he needs to come up with an alternate story to tell the inmates who have no idea just who the hell he is or why he’s joining them in the clink. Luckily for Burress there are plenty of ready-made stories he can come up with. Hopefully, wherever they shipped him off to has the internet, because we’ve compiled just a few he can use to conceal his idiocy and get people off his back.
1. I got caught running a multimillion dollar dog fighting ring and all my partners took plea deals to gang up on me.
2. I was driving my car in front of my pregnant girlfriend’s. I stopped suddenly while a guy I hired pulled up next to her and shot her. I walked on the first-degree murder charge.
3. I went to a hotel to try and get some of my stolen memorabilia back. I brought some guys with guns to help me and everything was going great, except someone was audio taping the whole thing.
4. My wife was sleeping with another man, so I got drunk and drove to his place. I had a gun and planned to scare them with it, then I sobered up and tossed the gun in the river. Someone killed them that same night and I got convicted to two life sentences. Now I’ve befriended a wise black inmate and the warden is having me launder money for him.
5. I’m not Plaxico Burress, I’m actually a federal agent who has had massive amounts of plastic surgery – including a full face transplant – to look like him, in order to stop a terrorist plot aimed at a major U.S. city.
6. I was caught cutting off the heads of parking meters to get at the change.
7. I was convicted of arson in the second degree. I’m here to take control of the Muslim’s in the prison and lead them towards the light. I plan on staging a riot to force the state to improve conditions in the prison.
8. Four friends and I violated the Good Samaritan Law that requires bystanders to assist someone in a bad situation. We’ve been killing time in here just talking about nothing in particular.
9. I’m here to fulfill my lifelong dream of making another horrible remake of “The Longest Yard.”
10. I was wasted and driving my Bentley through the streets of Miami Beach after a night out. Out of nowhere some dude walked in front of my car. I hit him, he died, and I got changed with a DUI and second degree manslaughter because my lawyer is a genius.