Cricket Just Got A Lot More Interesting

September 23, 2009 – 3:35 pm by Matthew Glenesk

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On Saturday, India’s cricket team plays Pakistan in the ICC Champions Trophy in South Africa. 

In preparation for the tournament, India’s coach Gary Kirsten has offered his team some Dr. Drew-like advice. Kirsten sent his players a four-page document explaining how they should keep themselves sharp. Among the suggestions: have a bunch of sex.

The Hindustan Times, an Indian newspaper, obtained the document and focused its attention of the chapter: ‘Does sex increase performance?’ 

“Yes it does, so go ahead and indulge. From a physiological perspective, having sex increases testosterone levels, which cause an increase in strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness.

“Conversely, not having sex for a period of months causes a significant drop in testosterone levels in both males and females, with the corresponding passiveness and decrease in aggression.”

So that’s why I suck at sports. I need to get laid more.

The pro-hump manifesto goes onto suggest that some of the young, single members of the team aren’t focusing on the task at hand. Instead, they’re daydreaming about trim.

“You may experience that your mind spends more time focusing on the fire in your groin than on good sport practice, preparation and sleep.”

I’m assuming Coach is referring to the burning desire to get laid as the “fire in your groin” rather than actual burning caused by unwise bang-out sessions.

Landing ass is harder for some men than others. So Kirsten simply explains ways for young lads to “handle” their urges.

“If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo while imagining you have a partner, or a few partners, who are beautiful as you wish to imagine.

“No pillow talk and no hugging required. Just roll over and go to sleep.”

Wow, where was this guy when I was 13? Cricket coach turns masturbation coach. He should pass out handy leaflets with this message to 6th and 7th graders worldwide.

We’ll so how the Indians do. Hopefully not too many will have to handle their own ball and bat.

Batter up!

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  1. 7 Responses to “Cricket Just Got A Lot More Interesting”

  2. “So that’s why I suck at sports. I need to get laid more.”

    Aw man, I read this and was certain Hickey wrote it. Too bad.

    By nicole on Sep 23, 2009

  3. Boxers who abstain before big matches have had it wrong all these years…

    By BakersPapi on Sep 23, 2009

  4. i just love the hindustan times.

    By roundthewaygirl on Sep 23, 2009

  5. “…or a few partners”. Awesome!

    By Cousin Charlie on Sep 23, 2009

  6. He should be named coach of the year…hands down.

    By Living with Balls on Sep 24, 2009

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