College Football Personality Test

September 4, 2009 – 3:35 am by Ryan Phillips


With the start of the college football season we thought we’d put together a handy guide for those of you out there who aren’t sure where to focus your attention this season. We’ve compiled a list of questions, our College Football Personality Test.

Each answer has a numerical value, one through five. Keep a tally of your score and at the end add it up. That number will correspond to what your true College Football Personality is.


P.S. We screwed over any of you non-BCS fans out there, but we figure you’re used to that by now.

Which quarterback will have the best season?
1 – Sam Bradford
2 – Colt McCoy
3 – Tim Tebow
4 – Terrelle Pryor
5 – Jimmy Clausen

Which defensive player will be the most dominant?
1 – Taylor Mays, S, USC
2 – Haha, defense. Yeah, right.
3 – Brandon Spikes, LB, Florida
4 – Brandon Graham, LB, Michigan
5 – Ian Williams, DT, Notre Dame

Which conference game will be the most important?
1 – USC at Cal on October 3rd
2 – Texas vs. Oklahoma, October 17th
3 – Florida at LSU, October 10th
4 – Ohio State at Penn State, November 7th
5 – What’s a conference?

Which freshman will make the biggest impact?
1 – Matt Barkley, QB, USC
2 – Christine Michael, RB, Texas A&M
3 – Bryce Brown, RB, Tennessee
4 – Tate Forcier, QB, Michigan
5 – Manti Te’o, LB, Notre Dame

Finish this sentence
Jahvid Best…
1 – is a hell of a running back.
2 – would make a great receiving threat out of the backfield.
3 – isn’t fast enough to play at Florida.
4 – is so fast it makes me uncomfortable.
5 – didn’t have the grades to cut it at Notre Dame.

The most beautiful woman in the world is…
1 – an Oregon cheerleader.
2 – living somewhere in Austin, Texas.
3 – going on Oprah to talk about how she was unknowingly filmed naked in her hotel room.
4 – readily available on the internet at your local public library.
5 – my mother.

The Old Brass Spittoon is…
1 – a new bar on Sunset Blvd.
2 – a worthless trinket used to make a Big Ten rivalry seem relevant.
3 – what you spit your dip into.
4 – awarded to the winner of the Indiana-Michigan State game.
5 – something to put over my girlfriend’s head.

Notre Dame is…
1 – a team USC embarrasses on a yearly basis.
2 – completely irrelevant.
3 – hopefully my team’s opponent in a BCS bowl.
4 – the home of the most annoying fans in the Midwest.
5 – on the way back to the top baby!

The worst thing I’ve ever done was…
1 – leaving the house without gel in my hair.
2 – on a rainy night and involved a cow, a field and a step ladder.
3 – taking the Tebow’s name in vain.
4 – reported on by Carl Monday.
5 – cheering for a Ty Willingham-coached team.

Running the football…
1 – is essential to a successful passing game.
2 – gives the receivers a chance to rest.
3 – works best out of the shotgun.
4 – is better than the other thing where the ball is in the air.
5 – hasn’t happened ’round these parts in years.

Pete Carroll is…
1 – a cheater who pays his players.
2 – a successful coach I wish my team got to face.
3 – the devil who spawned the entity known as “Lane Kiffin.”
4 – going to kick our ass in the Rose Bowl.
5 – at a decided schematic disadvantage against my team.

Urban Meyer…
1 – has never been caught on camera smiling.
2 – won’t get his third national title in 2009.
3 – might be the biggest prick in all of college football.
4 – gives me nightmares.
5 – will coach my team one day.

Rich Rodriguez…
1 – cried during a recent press conference.
2 – was the pioneer/creator of the no huddle spread offense.
3 – couldn’t cut it week to week in the SEC.
4 – is the best thing to happen to opposing teams since Gerry DiNardo.
5 – has given us someone to blow out every year besides Navy!

Charlie Weis…
1 – is the best thing to happen to USC since Pete Carroll.
2 – looks like something that should be roped and put into a corral.
3 – has a few Super Bowl rings.
4 – is blocking my view of the field … and I’m watching on television.
5 – has one last chance.

Lane Kiffin…
1 – really had nothing to do with USC’s success.
2 – briefly made everyone think Al Davis might still be sane.
3 – is a clown.
4 – who?
5 – is even more obnoxious than our head coach.

Now total your scores:

If you scored 15 to 25: Congratulations, you’re the Pac-10. You’re laid back but skilled. You’re concerned with how you look but don’t appear to be so. You like your women tan and hot and your offenses of the pro variety with a little spread thrown in for good measure. Oh, and only one of you has a chance of actually winning your conference.

26 to 38: Congrats, you’re the Big 12. You love your cowboy boots and your offense but can’t stand the SEC or defense. You like your women fit, your quarterbacks accented and your offenses spread. You also have an inferiority complex and a split personality…one half of which is constantly dragging you down.

39 to 50: Congrats, you’re the SEC. You’re the best and boy do you like to tell everyone about it. If anyone even suggests otherwise they’re just some dumb Yankee. And probably a socialist or one of them queers. You like your women tan and suggestive and your quarterbacks pious.

51 to 70: Congrats, you’re the Big Ten. You remember when football was a man’s game, played by guys who ran hard up the middle before being met by guys who hit them even harder. Then they started getting too fast for you to hit them all. You like your coaches emotional, your women covered but morally loose and your offenses archaic. Hell, at least you’re not the Big East.

73 to 75: Congrats, you’re Notre Dame fan. You live in another dimension, where people like Lou Holtz and Beano Cook are rational human beings. You still have space on your mantle for both of Ron Powlus’ Heismans and all four of Jimmy Clausen’s national titles. You like your coaches and your women large and obnoxious. Hell, at least you’re not an Indiana fan.

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  1. 6 Responses to “College Football Personality Test”

  2. Is that dude for Texas A&M’s name really Christine?

    By McD on Sep 4, 2009

  3. shithead.

    By ed on Sep 8, 2009

  4. Hey, thanks for the analysis Ed, glad you could join the discussion.

    By Phillips on Sep 8, 2009

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