World’s Suckiest Douches

August 18, 2009 – 3:24 am by Hickey

Cubs Marlins Baseball

With yet another blown save on Monday night — his 900th sixth of the year and third in the month of August – Kevin Gregg solidified the theory that there is no one in America who is worse at their job than himself. Actually, I just made that theory up. But when you give up your third walk-off jack in three weeks, this one coming to the awful Padres off the bat of tae-bo inventor Billy Blanks (er, my bad, some guy named Kyle Blanks), those types of theories arise.

But once the anger finally subsided, I came to realize that there are several people in this country that are even less deserving of their jobs than Gregg, whom Lou Piniella finally decided to remove as the Cubs’ closer following the game.

It’s a remarkably short list, but here are all of the people I could think of that suck even more than Kevin Gregg and can cause an equivalent amount of rage:

- Mike Dunleavy: I’m pretty sure know one on earth takes this man seriously. Except for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Of course, Mike Dunleavy could only really cause rage if you happened to be a Clippers fan. Otherwise, it’s just hilarious.

- The Black-Eyed Peas: They keep managing to top themselves with every song they release. In the worst way possible. Fergie’s voice is what I imagine a harpooned manatee’s screams sounding like.

- Nickelback: I hope this is Kevin Gregg’s favorite band. Either them or Creed.

- David Caruso: Maybe Kevin Gregg would be better if he dramatically removed his glasses before each pitch. Of course, he’d probably be called for a balk every time he did that. Which would still be an upgrade.

-Everyone responsible for re-making the movie “Red Dawn”: I swear I can’t make this up. Not only are they remaking every f*cking idea ever had for a movie, now they are doing so with period pieces that clearly would never work other than the time they were actually filmed. (And there could be a strong argument that “Red Dawn” didn’t even work then. People really thought any of that was feasible? The Soviets actually invading and teenagers fending them off?) Also, has anyone tipped these people off about the fact the Soviet Union no longer exists? Because that seems like it would be a key plot point.

Did I mention it will star Tom Cruise’s son?

F*ck this sh*t. (In case you’re wondering, we’re not supposed to swear on here anymore. So that’s why you’re seeing more f*cks).

- Fox News Chief Douche Glenn Beck: I know Phillips doesn’t want us to talk politics, but this isn’t about politics. It’s about making sh*t up with no factual basis and being a shrill, idiotic voice while presenting it in a “news” format. Bill O’Reilly looks like Edward R. Murrow in comparison to this clown.

Our blog is shrill and idiotic, but at least we’re upfront with you about it. (Although in Beck’s case the politics do make for the mayo on top of his sh*t sandwich. I mean, at least consider what the other side has to say and have a logical rebuttal like George Will might rather than pretending to light yourself on fire … anyway,  told you were were upfront).

-Headline News New Chief Douchette Nancy Grace: She’s so vile, I feel bad for Kevin Gregg by comparing him to her.

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  1. 9 Responses to “World’s Suckiest Douches”

  2. Yeah, what the f*ck happened to my f*cking swears? Sh*t, man.

    By McD on Aug 18, 2009

  3. Here I thought I was the only one who thought Glenn Beck was way worse than O’Reilly. The more I think about the lineup of Beck, Hannity and O’Reilly, Ole Billy seems like the most sane. Yeesh.

    What’s with the swear filter?

    By MJenks on Aug 18, 2009

  4. Not really a full-bore swear filter. Just a request from our new blogging overlords. More on that coming up soon.

    By Phillips on Aug 18, 2009

  5. Kyle Blanks is my new favorite Padre! In the picture they display of him on the jumbotron at Petco he has a totally awesome afro. And I believe I said sometime in May(?) that Kevin Gregg would make Cubs fans want to kill themselves. I am, like, a prophet or something.

    BUT this list is really good. God, I hate the Black Eyed Peas. I’m pretty sure their popularity is a sign of the apocalypse.

    By Red on Aug 18, 2009

  6. Fergie is ugly as fcuk.

    By Tonox on Aug 18, 2009

  7. is it over now
    do you know how
    take of your glasses and go home.

    By roundthewaygirl on Aug 18, 2009

  8. No fucking swearing? What the fuck is that bullshit? Oh, and fuck everyone on your list. Tom Cruise’s son looks like he might be an even bigger douche than him.

    By Cousin Charlie on Aug 18, 2009

  9. cousin charlie for president!!

    By roundthewaygirl on Aug 18, 2009

  10. Everytime time I turn on the radio, it’s that god damned Boom Boom song again. Enough already.

    By joe camel on Aug 19, 2009

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