These Youths Ain’t Kidding Around

First we had to hear about this 17-year old kid who sailed around the world by himself.

Now, this.

A 12-year old kid played professional soccer in a Bolivian first division game.

Freshly minted Aurora player Mauricio Baldivieso, the coach’s son, came on as a substitute in his club’s 1-0 loss to La Paz FC.

“I felt relaxed because I had the support of other players on the team,” he said. “Papa told me that I would make my debut if we were winning. “But things went another way and I still got to play.”

Must be nice when Pops is the coach.

Mauricio turns 13 on Wednesday. Damn overachiever. Why can’t kids these days play video games and eat junk food like most of us did when we were 12? I’m not liking this upswing in youthful action. It reminds me that in my 26 years of earthly service, I’ve accomplished jack squat. Shit, this kid has done more in half my lifetime than I’ve done in my entire existence. Cue the depressing music.

What’s next, a 10-year old father?

Below are some of history’s other youthful movers and shakers:

Macaulay Culkin - Ranked the No. 2 child star on VH1’s “100 Greatest Kid-Stars,” Culkin blew up in 1990 when he starred in “Home Alone” at 10-years old. He soon had a sequel in New York and  creepy friendship with the King of Pop. After that, things kind of slowed for Culkin. OK, we all teared up a little bit in “My Girl” when he gets stung to death by bees. But “Richie Rich” and “The Pagemaster” blew. He went through the same child star blues that affected nearly every 1980s-early 90s stars, notably Drew Barrymore and Cory Feldman. He divorced his parents at 14 and married the S&M secretary from “Californication.” That lasted three years before they divorced in 2000. Now, Kevin McAllister is bouncing back. He’s been dating Mila Kunis since 2002, was decent in “Saved!” and is currently plying his trade with creepy aplomb on NBC’s “Kings” (which I admit, I watch avidly).

Jennifer Capriati – She turned pro three weeks before her 14th birthday and beat four seeded players in her debut tournament before losing in the final to the alluring Gabriela Sabatini. A week later, she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Three months later, she became the youngest semifinalist in French Open history (14 years and two months old). She finished her first year on tour ranked eighth in the world. She reached the semifinals at both Wimbledon and the U.S. Open in 1991 and picked up a gold medal in 1992 in Barcelona, but she despite those successes she failed to live up to the massive hype. In 1993, she quit the tour and had a few run-ins with Johnny Law (shoplifting and marijuana charges). Chicago Sun-Times columnist Greg Couch wrote Capriati was “the poster child for burned-out sports pedigrees.”

Capriati returned to the tour in 1996 and shockingly righted the ship and eventually fulfilled her promise, reaching No. 1 in the world Oct. 15, 2001. She reached three more U.S. Open semifinals, an additional Wimbledon semi, won the French and Australian Opens in 2001 and repeated Down Under a year later.

She appeared on ABC’s “The Superstars” this year, paired with David Charvet, who I automatically hate for two reasons: 1.) he was a male actor on “Baywatch” not named Hasselhoff, and 2.) he is engaged to Brooke Burke and the father of her two children. In “The Superstars” premiere, Capriati re-aggravated a previous injury during an obstacle run-off against Lisa Leslie and Dan Cortese and was forced to withdraw from the show. A month ago, Capriati appeared on WFAN with Craig Carton, who curiously inquired whether the former tennis star likes to kiss women.

Jimmy Woods - Struck with a mental disorder since his twin sister drowned, a 9-year old Woods struggles to cope with the world and is put in an institution. Jimmy’s half-brother, Corey (played by the greatest actor that ever lived, Fred Savage), breaks him out and runs away with him to California. The two brothers meet Haley, a runaway on her way to Reno, who finds out Jimmy is some video game whiz. She tells them about the Nintendo World Video Game Championships with a $50,000 prize. During the trip to L.A., Jimmy hustles a few local gamers, avoids a runaway child hunter and makes it to the championships where Super Mario Bros. 3 is unveiled. Of course, our man Jimmy beats Lucas Barton at the last second. I mean Jimmy’s miraculous achievement even befuddled the magnanimous Robert Ebert:

“In an age when child abduction is the subject of half the TV docudramas and all of the milk cartons, how are we supposed to blind ourselves to the central fact of this movie, which is that a 13-year old boy and his 9-year old brother, accompanied part of the way by a 13-year old girl, manage to walk, hitchhike and con themselves all the way from Utah to the National Video Game Championships in L.A.?”

A late 1980s movie with Christian Slater, Fred Savage, a teeny bopping red head, Super Mario Bros., and the Game Glove. Can you say: Best. Movie. Ever.

Louis XIV - He was king of France before he turned five. His reign lasted more than 72 years, the longest documented for any European monarch. Since all he knew was being king, Louis XIV, or the Sun King, believed in the Divine Right of Kings, meaning he believed God had crowned him. His parents were married and childless for 22 years and estranged when Louis was born, which gave credence to his assumed divinity. As king, Louis reformed tax codes, civil and criminal procedures and invested heavily in the arts. His reign is considered the example of a true monarchy – absolutism.

He built Versailles into the most opulent palace in the world and the envy of all of Europe. But things went south in 1685 when the king revoked the protestants’ rights to worship. This angered his protestant European rival nations and the nine-year War of the Grand Alliance ensued. Then in 1701, France was drawn into the War of the Spanish Succession. At its end, French hegemony over continental Europe was done and the idea of balance of power became internationally accepted.