Advertisers were clearly counting on David Stern to orchestrate another dream NBA Finals this year, as seemingly every product shown during the playoffs was endorsed by the combination of LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. The much-needed orgasm of capitalism that our economy needs was supposed to ultimately culminate with the two meeting up mano-a-mano (not to be confused with Manu) for the crown.
However, the advertisers managed to forget one significant fact: one of the principles in their ad campaign plays in Cleveland, and is thus scientifically incapable of playing for a championship. Now, what once looked like an advertising gold mine is now the biggest commercial disaster since Reebok’s “Dan vs. Dave” campaign prior to the 1992 Olympics. (Long story short: These dudes were billed as super-athletes who would compete for the gold medal in Barcelona, and then one of the assholes didn’t even qualify for the Olympic team. Oops.)
The most visible ad campaign was Nike’s Puppet Kobe vs. Puppet LeBron series of commercials. And though the lack of LeBron in the finals looms as a potential death knell for the commercials, we’ve decided to do a little re-write of the script and show the folks at Nike that their show can go on.
Puppet LeBron sits in his La-Z-Boy recliner eating a giant bowl of ice cream while watching Space Jam. The phone rings.
PUPPET LeBRON: (mumbles) Hello.
PUPPET KOBE: Still pouting, you little bitch?
PUPPET LeBRON: Man, fuck you.
PUPPET KOBE: I’m just playin’, dawg. I really wish you were here right now. I miss you, bro.
PL: Thanks. I… I appreciate it. A lot.
PL: Hey, who is this?
VOICE: This is Superman, you ho! Where’s my fucking apology, dickhead?
PL: Man, Kobe, that ain’t cool.
PUPPET DWIGHT HOWARD: You know what is cool? I’m in the NBA Finals, and you’re not!
PL: But… but… I’m still the King!
PK: You ain’t king of shit. Have you looked at my three shiny championship rings lately?
PL: Man, you haven’t won dick without Shaq. Try winning a title with Zydrunas Ilgauskas as your damn big man, asshole.
PK: What’s that? I couldn’t hear you. I had one of my rings stuck in my ears.
PL: Which ring? The $10,000 one you bought your wife after you fucked that chick in Colorado?
PDH: Damn, that’s cold.