TheBaker Goes To Vegas…And Gets Quadruple-Kissed By Three Strippers

I was in Sin City this weekend for a buddy’s Bachelor’s party.

I think the headline clearly illustrates that. And getting dragged into a cabana at MGM Grand’s hybrid pool/club, Wet Republic, by a bikini-clad busty blonde where two of her other bikini-clad busty blonde stripper friends couldn’t wait to welcome me to the party, is all nice and good, but come on. You don’t want to hear any more of the that. This is a sports blog, not a tawdry Skin-emax late night, simulated-sex-laden heatfest. But as a reward for your time, I’ll shower you with pictures taken by one pervert, who nearly suffered from sensory overload.

I know sports gambling has its opponents. (My mother for one.) And I’ve mentioned my apprehension of online sports betting before. (Basically, I don’t trust myself to inhibit control.) So I limit my sports gambling to the occasional friendly wager with friends (which I more often than not lose), fantasy leagues and NCAA Tournament pools.

I only really gamble when in Las Vegas. You know, when in Rome.

If you want to bet on sports legally, there are few places Stateside to do so. Recently, Delaware became just the third state to legalize sports gambling. (Nevada and Montana are the others.) Besides Pat Kennedy, who goes to Montana? And, “Hi, we’re in Delaware.”

Believe it or not, I’ve actually been to Delaware. It was during winter break from college in 2005, and two friends and I were driving back to Philadelphia after a few days in New York. I, not really all there (cough, cough), missed the exit back to Philly and found I had steered us into the land of Blue Hens.

“You guys ever been to Delaware?” I asked my passengers.
“No.”
“You have now.”

So basically, its Vegas or bust for me.

(Follow the jump for more unabashed perversion.)

Last time there, I hit on two WNBA bets. I know, people bet on the WNBA? The appeal was the fact that I had inside information. As a former professional journalist, I was e-mailed the Indiana Fever’s Game Notes via the team’s media relations director. In it, it detailed how in six seasons, the Fever had never won a game when Tamika Catchings didn’t play. Catchings was out. And the Fever were playing the second of a back-to-back West Coast road trip in Seattle, having lost to Sacramento the night before. Seattle was favored by six points. I liked my chances. We checked the halftime score. Seattle 50, Indiana 27. Easy money. The Storm (Seattle’s team name for those WNBA neophytes) took a 30-point lead into the fourth quarter and “held on” for an 89-75 victory. That whet the appetite, and my friends begged for another WNBA hit, which I provided a day later when the Detroit Shock saved my blushes with a road win against Washington.

This go round, I’m on a paper thin budget, I myself didn’t put any money down. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t place any bets. A few buddies gave me money before I left to place bets for them.

On Friday, I get a text. “Ok, 2 plays today… reds/brewers over 8.5 and padres moneyline. 75 on each.”

I make the bet, only I make the wrong bet. I tell the bookie I want the Brewers runline. They’re +1.5.

The Padres lose. Bye bye, money. The Brewers, however, win 4-3. Covering my bet, but not covering the over/under (8.5). Meaning, because I screwed up the initial bet, I kept my buddies’ money alive. You’re welcome.

A day later, a friend of mine decides he wants to bet on some baseball games as well. Something to pass the time between strip joints, pool parties and club debauchery. Problem is, he knows next to nothing about baseball. That’s where I come in. We go with a four-game parlay. I grab Saturday’s betting sheet and take my pencil to it.

Game No. 1: The over might not have hit on Friday in the Reds/Brewers game, but with Aaron Harang and Dave Bush as the probable starters, I like my chances in the over (8), going against the grain as both pitchers had pitched decently so far this season. But I had Harang and his 17 losses last year in fantasy, and I know deep down he wants to suck again. And Bush is trash despite any numbers he might put up. I’ve seen him get hit too many times to think otherwise. So I pick the over.

Game No. 2: I pick the Tigers moneyline to beat the Orioles. Justin Verlander was pitching for Detroit and had six consecutive quality starts after a rough start to the season.

Game No. 3: I pick the Yankees moneyline to beat the Indians. CC Sabathia’s return to Cleveland coupled with Fausto Carmona’s impersonation of Chien-Ming Wang, the Yankees were an easy play.

Game No. 4: I pick the Cardinals moneyline to beat the Giants. Chris Carpenter was going up against Barry Zito. Carpenter was brilliant in his second start after yet another DL stint (10 Ks in eight scoreless innings against the Brewers). Zito is a chode, though a chode that has been pitching decently this season (1-6, 4.02 ERA). However, still massively underachieving for a man making $18.5 million this season.

The first three games were all 4 p.m. starts PST. We get to the sports book just in time to see Brandon Phillips go deep for the Reds in the bottom of the first inning to give Cincy a 3-0 lead. In the bottom half of the first inning, Prince Fielder answers with a three-run bomb to tie the game. One inning, six runs. I’m liking this 8-over bet.

(Side note: If you’re looking for comfort during your sports book experience, stay away from the Mandalay Bay. The seats are reminiscent of the ones you had to squeeze into in high school. I felt like I was about to take the SAT. I recommend visiting the Bellagio or Wynn for supreme service and comfort.)

The Reds get the game’s eighth run on a Ryan Hanigan RBI single in the fourth inning and an inning later the bet is sealed with a Ryan Braun solo home run. Game No. 1 – check.

Detroit jumps out to a 3-0 lead, which included a second inning solo shot by Curtis Granderson, which we caught on one of the Mandalay Bay’s 20-something TV screens in the sports book. But Jeremy Guthrie is pitching right with Verlander and strikes out 10 Tigers in six innings. Meanwhile, Verlander gives up a two-run shot to Luke Scott in the sixth inning tying the game at 3-3. Making us sweat.

Clete Thomas, a name I know only because he’s always available in the 35th round of my fantasy drafts in MLB: The Show 09, hits a solo homer an inning later to give Detroit the lead. The Tigers add two insurance runs in the eighth, including an RBI double by that man Clete Thomas again. Tigers win 6-3. Game No. 2 – check.

CC’s return to Cleveland gets off to a nice start. The Yankees put up five runs in the fourth inning and build an insurmountable 7-0 advantage and go on to coast to a 10-5 win. Game No. 3 – check.

The Cards-Giants game is a late start. We are one win away from hitting on a four-game parlay which our buddies claimed was too ambitious. On the way to dinner, we catch Albert Pujols hit a solo home run in the fourth to help St. Louis creep closer to the Giants, who are now up 2-1. The game moves along, but the Cards fail to score.

At dinner, a Blackberry is used to track the action.

Most of our attention has turned to the NBA Eastern Conference Finals as the Magic are blowing out the Cavs in Game Six. We’re still watching because a friend of ours bet on the over, which was 192.5. What seemed an early lock with 55 points in the first quarter has crept to a crawl. A big third quarter gets things back on track, but it’s going to be close. Dwight Howard is on the line with 0:47 left. But the normally free throw inefficient Howard hits both. My pal is three points shy of his target. King James is fouled with 0:43 left. He misses the first. Dagger. He sinks the second. One point from pushing. Two from winning. Then with 33 seconds left and the game’s outcome long since secured, LeBrizzle drives and jams one home. Bet covered. It’s turning into a good evening.

But the Cards are still making us nervous. That is until I hear a “Yes!” from the other end of the table. Skip Schumaker doubled home some guy named Nick Stavinoha to tie the game at 2-2. Chris Duncan follows with another RBI double and our four-game parlay is within reach.

As soon as the bill is settled, my buddy and I rush to the sports book to catch the end of the game. We got there just in time to see the Cards add an insurance runs courtesy of Joe Thurston and Schumaker in the eighth inning. Pujols absolutely obliterated a pitch in the ninth, bumping the advantage to 6-2. Game, set, match. Game No. 4 – check.

And that my friends is how you turn $20 into $218. I know, huge sums there, but funds were were best kept for other ventures.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, and thanks for pretending to read this. I understand completely. Trust me.