6pm ET: Afternoon, everyone. And with that, I’d like to start by asking what the fuck John Hart is doing as part of MLB Network’s broadcast? The guy is clearly the Matt Millen of Major League Baseball, but he gets a studio job analyzing talent? God, that’s just…just…wrong! It’s just wrong.
6:05: Baseketball made great use of this MLB Network set a few years back…
6:07 – I’m not going to lie, we’re going to be very Padres-centric tonight because this is a very important draft in which we’ll probably take a high school position player. You know, because that worked out so well for us when we took Matt Bush.
6:09 – God, the Padres are so fucked.
6:12 – Hey there, Bud Selig. Can’t believe this sad bastard got to own the Milwaukee Brewers. I have no idea what he’s saying because the sound is off at the bar, but I’m sure it’s extremely interesting and enlightening and not at all stupid.
Four minutes per pick! Well done, MLB. At least Matt Bush will be off that list of the last five number one picks next year.
6:14 – Phillips just told me the Pirates are probably going to take some catcher from BC…Hey it’s Ben McDonald! Don’t let him anywhere near Strasburg. My response to Phillips’ news was “who the fuck are the Pirates?”
1. Washington Nationals
Stephen Strasburg, RHP, San Diego State
Hmm, whom to take? Whom to take? So many options and decisions that need to go into this. It’s crazy! So much pressure. Can’t…decide…GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. Okay, fuck it. Take Strasburg. Kid seems like he’s got potential. Didn’t do much in college though.
6:16 – Phillips predicts Strasburg will sign right before midnight on the August deadline for $35 million. I could go with that.
Come on, Seattle. Screw this up.
And Phillips and I are in a bar and can’t hear the audio, but honestly we don’t feel like we’re missing anything.
6:18 – Phillips just reminded me that Jason Bay and former Padres draftee Xavier Nady, both deemed as franchise savers at one point, were playing the corner outfield positions for the Pirates a few years ago. Fucking Padres.
2. Seattle Mariners
Dustin Ackley, 1B/CF, North Carolina
Phillips says he’s easily the best hitter in the draft. I say, prove it, meat. This draft is by far the biggest crapshoot of all the major drafts. Good for this kid managing to mash in college with aluminum bats and mediocre pitching. Solid.
6:24 – Okay Padres. Don’t ruin the franchise for another five years. That’s the other thing. We were picking first overall not that long ago. And now the team is shitty again? Perfect recipe to alienate every last fan in the greater San Diego area. Fuck you, John Moores. And your ex-wife.
3. San Diego Padres
Donavan Tate, OF, Cartersville HS, GA
Thank God everyone is going the full four minutes between picks. My fingers might fucking fall off.
Okay so he’s a five-tool player from high school. Phillips just used the word “toolsy” to describe him. He’s supposed to play both football and baseball for North Carolina next year, so we’re gonna have to shell out to get this kid to go pro. Plus we get to screw him up while he’s in the minors and by the time he makes the big club, he’ll be 25 and a defensive replacement. Fucking Padres.
6:28 – Phillips is bitter Tate picked UNC over USC for football. I’m beginning to wonder about the kid’s mental abilities myself, though he’d probably get to play at UNC, as opposed to USC, where he’d be hyped and then end up a backup for the Patriots.
4. Pittsburgh Pirates
Tony Sanchez, C, Boston College
Can we just officially change Boston College’s name to BC? Everyone knows what it is, and I hate typing “Boston College.” So I’m lazy. The fuck did you expect from a blogger? Oh, right, Sanchez. I guess he’s good. I think BC may have made the College World Series. I have no idea. It’s fucking college baseball. The only people who watch that shit are scouts and parents. Sanchez was also not previously drafted, just like Tate, Strasburg, and Ackley. Weird. I guess. Whatever.
6:33 – Fack you, Tony Sancheeeeeezzzzzzzz. Yah mutha thinks you facking suck!
6:35 – Did some one just say “power potential” in regards to Donavan Tate? Sean Burroughs thinks that’s a great assessment.
5. Baltimore Orioles
Matt Hobgood, RHP, Norco HS, CA
That kid’s gotta be excited to get out of Norco. And he’s going to Baltimore. Tells you all you need to know about Norco, CA. Jesus, this kid is huge.
6:36 – Mel Kiper would say this is a “reach pick” for Ballamer
6:38 – I think Orioles fan would be happy just taking Matt Wieters again. The guy is Joe Mauer with a ten-foot cock!
6. San Francisco Giants
Zack Wheeler, RHP, East Paulding HS, NJ
From The Baker: Did you guys just draft the guy from Love Potion No. 9?
FYI he was also an original cast member for The O.C.
6:42 – Zack Wheeler? I got bigger fish to fry than Zack Wheeler, who is committed to Kennesaw State a.k.a. the only college that he was academically eligible for (I probably made that up). This kid is going pro.
6:44 – I may or may not comment on the picks from here on out because I don’t give a fuck. Go read The Hardball Times or something…wait, stay here. Phillips will beat me!
7. Atlanta Braves
Mike Minor, LHP, Vanderbilt
The 38th ranked prospect on Keith Law’s top one hundred just went seventh in the draft. Nice.
6:45 – The first player who was previously drafted has finally been taken as well. And he’s a soft-tossing lefty. Baseball makes no sense sometimes. Thank God the Padres didn’t take this kid…and don’t quote me on that shit when he wins 20 two years from now.
6:47 – This is a quote from ESPN’s Jason Churchill about Donavan Tate: “It’s not Matt Bush, but it’s certainly not the best player available. The Padres are just bad at this. Big risk, but if he maxes out, it’s a big payoff. The video Keith took of Tate is interesting when you watch his swing. It’s not a mess, and a lot of prep hitters have bad swings or major concerns with them, at least, cough (Bobby) Borchering.”
Hey, they can’t say that about our draft picks. Only we can say that about our draft picks.
8. Cincinnati Reds
Mike Leake, RHP, Arizona State
I don’t understand how ASU doesn’t get every top prep player in the entire country. Not because Barry Bonds went there. Because thousands of tons of hot ass goes there. Yeah, it’d suck to pitch in constant nice weather, be swamped by poon all offseason, and then get drafted and go to…Cincinnati? This kid is totally checking his eligibility right now.
6:54 – Ian Kinsler also made the idiot list for leaving ASU for Mizzou just because Dustin Pedroia was playing shortstop at the time. And yes, Pedroia is now a second baseman in the pros while Kinsler is a shortstop. You still lose, Ian. Fail.
9. Detroit Tigers
Jacob Turner, RHP, Westminster Acadamy, MO
The fuck is Westminster Academy? Apparently this kid throws real hard, but Joel Zumaya throws real hard while this kid looks like he was pitching on a junior high diamond.
6:57 – So you say taking Strasburg was a good move by the Nats, do you? Well analyzed, MLB Network boys.
10. Washington Nationals*
Drew Storen, RHP, Stanford
Wait, this kid was a reliever in college who might start as a pro? But he wasn’t good enough to start at fucking Stanford! What the fuck? Either Stanford was fucking loaded this year, or their manager is an idiot. Probably both.
7:01 – There is nothing that sucks about live-blogging from the bar. Absolutely nothing.
Looks like Donavan Tate’s asking price will be a bout six mil for a signing bonus.
from Hick Flick: Selig gets a boner every time he says “on the clock.”
11. Colorado Rockies
Tyler Matzek, LHP, Capistrano Valley HS, CA
A pitcher in Colorado. Welcome to hell, kid. Welcome to hell.
7:06 – Was the number three overall prospect but went eleventh. Nice. Especially since the Braves just took a lefty who probably topped out in college. That, my friends, is fucking karma.
WAIT, the Braves drafted a soft-tossing lefty who relies on control and movement and they JUST FUCKING CUT TOM GLAVINE. Awesome, you guys.
12. Kansas City Royals
Aaron Crow, RHP, Fort Worth (American Association)
So lemme get this straight: Crow wanted $4 mil last year from the Nats as the ninth overall pick, didn’t get it, played independent ball, and wants $4 mil again this year? Um, no. You, sir, are an idiot.
7:12 – Sayonara, Tim Floyd. How the fuck did a Mississippi paper get this story before the LA Times? Jesus.
Phillips’ prediction: Jamie Dixon (the guy from Pitt…figured you’d need to know since it’s the offseason and I don’t know shit about college basketball in the offseason, or during the season for that matter.)
13. Oakland A’s
Grant Green, SS, Southern California
Strangely apropos since we just bid Tim Floyd farewell. Nice, former Padres pick and they couldn’t get him to move away from Watts. That’s gotta feel good for the Padres.
7:16 – Can we say something other than “log on” when telling people to go to websites? No one uses AOL anymore. Why not just say “go to this fucking website” and let it be understood it’s on a computer and you can’t like walk in there?
Bigger dorks: the guys who crunch the sabermetrics numbers, or experts on high school baseball? I say high school baseball.
14. Texas Rangers
Matt Purke, LHP, Klein HS, TX
Yeah, you gotta take a Texas pitcher here. I bet this kid hates baseball and wants to be a quarterback. He was gonna go to TCU, apparently. Might have a lefty Curt Schilling on our hands here.
7:21 – Only baseball could screw up a new franchise like they did with the Nationals. If this were an NFL expansion team, this would never happen. Shit even the Browns made the playoffs like a decade after they were re-started in Cleveland. Oh right, they didn’t and now they suck again. Well shit, there went that point.
15. Cleveland Indians
Alex White, RHP, North Carolina
Ah, so the Browns did make the playoffs in 2002. See? There is something worth living for, Nats fans! Except that in baseball, it’s impossible to drag yourself up like in the NFL, but hey, keep spending money on those box seats.
7:23 – Just realized the Indians passed on IU pitcher Eric Arnett for no good reason. This is why you suck, Cleveland. Fack you.
7:25 – Tyler Matzek has earrings. Got a little Melrose in you, son? And I don’t mean Barry. That shit stopped being cool a while back.
16. Arizona Diamondbacks
Bobby Borchering, 3B, Bishop Verot HS, FL
Best picture of a player tonight by far. The kid hits off his front foot, but he just got drafted so he can’t be too bad at it. Let that shit slide, Arizona. Especially since you’re in the Padres’ division.
7:31 – Seems to be the first guy the experts think will go bust. Lots of raw power but tons of swing issues, and might have some trouble hitting pitchers with, you know, good breaking pitches, as opposed to that high school shit.
Hick Flick’s assessment of Mr. Borchering: See ball. Mash ball. Hit ball far. No know how to catch.
Sounds like a University of Florida honors student to me.
17. Arizona Diamondbacks*
A.J. Pollock, OF, Notre Dame
It always astounds me that anyone would want to play baseball in South Bend, IN. Notre Dame never sucks at baseball, but I have no idea why anyone would commit there. Did they visit before they committed? And if they’re on Notre Dame’s radar, they have to have gotten other offers. I’m confused.
7:35 – How many hits would Tony Gwynn get off Strasburg in 100 swings if he faced him today and had to run out every hit?
The answer: 100. Because he’s Tony Fucking Gwynn. Dude hit .338 in the majors. Greatest hitter since Ted Williams.
18. Florida Marlins
Chad James, LHP, Yukon HS, OK
The people in Oklahoma know the Yukon is in Canada, right? And, for the record, those SDSU unis we keep seeing Strasburg pitch in are fucking atrocious. They look like a high school travel-ball team.
7:40 – Apparently, Chad James hits 95 and…wow I don’t care.
The Chargers would have traded the Strasburg pick and taken a running back from TCU. That’s right, I compared him to Michael Vick.
19. St. Louis Cardinals
Shelby Miller, RHP, Brownwood HS, TX
7:43 – Remember when Adam Eaton was another franchise savior for the Padres? Me either. God that team just sucks at developing players. They just fucking suck.
Nice to see Shawon Dunston in attendance.
20. Toronto Blue Jays
Chad Jenkins, RHP, Kennesaw State
When did Kennesaw State turn into a baseball juggernaut? That’s twice I’ve heard their name tonight and we’re only twenty picks in. Kid wasn’t drafted before tonight either. Steroids. Gotta be.
7:49 – I’d just like to apologize to the family of Chad Jenkins. He’s probably not on steroids.
I’ve never been at a bar this long without watching football or sexually harassing a waitress.
Craig Biggio played like 20 years and only made the All-Star game seven times? Not a hall of famer. And there’s no way he wasn’t on steroids because his two best friends were Jeff Bagwell and Ken Caminiti.
21. Houston Astros
Jiovanni Mier, SS, Bonita HS, CA
As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes, I do know who this kid is.
7:53 – Some sweet shirts on Ackley and White from UNC. I’d play golf in that for sure except that, as an IU grad, I’m obligated to hate UNC and all their recent championships.
The guys at the table across from us were here and done with their food before we got here. They’re still here, and they aren’t even live-blogging. Losers.
22. Minnesota Twins
Kyle Gibson, RHP, Missouri
I wasn’t even paying attention for this pick. I just happened to look up at the TV as the graphic with his name on it disappeared. So maybe this draft is lacking the pizazz of the NFL draft. And maybe even the NHL draft.
7:58 – Wait, they got a flatscreen monitor and a computer on that island in that credit card commercial, but they decided to customize a credit card instead of, you know, get off the island? I call that the Gilligan’s Island Corollary.
23. Chicago White Sox
Jared Mitchell, OF, Louisiana State
So a kid from LSU is being described as “athletic” huh? That’s a shocker. Heh, shocker. Tee hee.
8:02 – Apparently he played football at LSU too. But he’s “athletic” whilst Strasburg is “gritty” and “a real gamer.” Wink wink. Nudge nudge. That’s a little SEC parlance for you.
24. Los Angeles Angels
Randall Grichuk, OF, Lamar Consolidated HS, TX
This one stumped Phillips because he’s not in the top 100 prospects. Kid sounds like a left-winger for Edmonton anyway.
8:07 – Why did this poor bastard from New Jersey show up to sit in the draft room for two and a half hours and not get taken while all the reps from the teams are avoiding eye contact with him? Stay home, Mike Trout.
25. Los Angeles Angels*
Mike Trout, OF, Millville HS, NJ
Keith Law says Grichuk was the worst pick of the first round. Nice family moment for the Trouts, though.
8:11 – Law is very interested to see how Grichuk will do in high A-ball. You know, because that’s where the challenge starts.
Nice work on the girlfriend, Mike Trout. Although that could be his sister, and if you’re reading this, honey, that was Phillips who said that. Okay, fine, I’ll get you that rug you wanted. Sheesh.
26. Milwaukee Brewers
Eric Arnett, RHP, Indiana University.
Great pick here. Kid is a freaking witch on the mound and is a great character guy too. How do I know? Because he went to Indiana University. Duh. Also some fond memories for The Riot of Arnett as a young frosh pitcher who couldn’t find the strike zone. Sunrise, sunset, eh?
8:16 – C.C. does not stand for “creamy center” or “chewy caramel,” clones. It stands for Carsten Charles, and he’s filthy, okay? I will not read any more emails like that. Dear Jim, Does CC stand for “chocolate covered”? War fat guy in a little coat.
27. Seattle Mariners*
Nick Franklin, SS, Lake Brantley HS, FL
So he’s a shortstop you say? And he’s from Florida, huh? Interesting. Very interesting.
8:20 – The Sawx are on the clawk and anyone they pick is gonna be facking great because Theo is a facking jeeeeeneeeeusssssss when it comes to finding talent. Look at Jawn Lestahhhh. Kid’s gawt Hahhht fah days.
28. Boston Red Sox
Raymond Fuentes, OF, Fernando Callejo HS, PR
Now that this pick’s ovah, we ah outta hee-ah. Gotta go back to supporting Pahhpeee and the Sawx. I don’t kay-uh if this Fernando kid is a facking spic, he’s facking money. I’m gonna go pick up Sully and Big Bobby and Little Bobby and head to the bahh.
8:26 – I swear the Boston accent is done until next year. That’s a promise from me to you. And you can always trust what’s on the internet.
29. New York Yankees*
Slade Heathcott, OF, Texas HS, TX
He went to Texas High School in Texas? And his name is Slade? You gotta be fucking kidding me.
8:30 – Been at the bar for three hours and we thought we were hallucinating because Tampa Bay is picking at the back of the first round. But I checked and yes, indeed, they were in the World Series last year. Shoulda won too. Fucking Phillies crapping all over the awesome story.
30. Tampa Bay Rays
LeVon Washington, 2B, Buchholz HS, FL
Nice swing in whatever wood bat league that was. Hometown pick for the Rays too. And that’s pretty much all I have to say about that. God I just want this to be over. But you should be reading, because this shit is comedy gold!
8:35 – Now is the time where the other three members of this site start to grip a little even though Theodore Roosevelt Lilly seems to be in complete control against the Astros at the moment.
31. Chicago Cubs
Brett Jackson, CF, University of California
I guess this pick doesn’t suck. And the Cubbies are gonna need some one to play center field in case Fukudome keeps not working out. I mean who gets into Lou Piniella’s dog house? The guy’s a teddy bear.
8:39 – One more pick to go and not a moment too soon. Okay, so it’s like an hour too late, but that’s just what people say when they want shit to end and have to piss like fucking whoa.
32. Colorado Rockies*
Tim Wheeler, OF, Sacramento State
What’s this a compensation pick for, sucking? Being a terrible franchise that shouldn’t exist? And the Rockies only got this pick because they let a guy who lost the job as the closer go. Gotta love baseball.
*Denotes compensation pick
And we’re done!
The guys at the table across from us were here before us and are still here three hours and forty minutes later. What, they don’t have anything better to do than sit at a bar for four hours? God. Losers. And there’s totally a dude who looks exactly like Toby from The Office sitting a couple of tables over. That’s probably the best analysis of the night, so we’re gonna end on that shit. We ahh outta hee-uh.