In one of those rare weeks where it seems like everything is going on at once in the sports world, I have determined that it is better to say a little bit about everything on my mind rather than go in-depth about any of it.
– It looks like that Boston monster movie might not be necessary. Two days after expressing my bitterness over the recent wave of unprecedented success in Boston sports, it is announced that Kevin Garnett will be out for the playoffs. In response, team GM Danny Ainge has a heart attack. No, seriously.
Now, I feel pretty guilty for wishing such ill will upon a fine city. Or at least I will until the Bulls beat the Celtics in the first round. I’d make a very poor supervillain.
– Memo to Mike Cammaleri of the Calgary Flames: Please do not bother trying to fuck with Martin Havlat. Because at the end of the day, you’ll be the one with your pants around your ankles and a strange sensation in your nether regions.
Cammaleri gave Havlat a cheap shot in the second period of Game 1 between the Blackhawks and Flames, throwing an elbow into his grill before a face-off. Havlat responded with a game-tying goal in the final six minutes of regulation, and then finished the deed with a game-winner 12 seconds into overtime… only the third-quickest OT game in NHL playoff history.
– The San Jose Sharks are the Chicago Cubs of the NHL. Both spent the past couple of regular seasons looking like a team that could compete for a championship only to lay ostrich-sized eggs in the postseason. In the least surprising first-game result of the playoffs, the top-seeded, President’s Trophy-winning Sharks fell to No. 8 Anaheim, 2-0. And the Ducks didn’t even have Goldberg or Julie “The Cat” Gaffney in net.
The most damning stat was this: even though the Sharks outshot the Ducks 35-17, no one on San Jose’s first line got off a single shot until midway through the third period. Oof.
– Speaking of the Cubs, is the biggest surprise of the season that it took Milton Bradley all the way until his first home game to earn his first ejection, or that he isn’t already on the DL?
– It appears that Greg Paulus is making a concerted effort in the running for Biggest Douche in the Universe. (The competition is fairly stiff, with the likes of South Park-appointed BDITU John Edward — not to be confused with John Edwards, who is also in the running — as well as Glenn Beck, the ShamWow! guy, Jeff Kent, Skip Bayless, Lane Kiffin, all members of emo or shitty faux-punk bands… you get the point. This list could grow exponentially and be its own post someday).
Paulus already spent four years playing point guard for my least-favorite college basketball team, Duke — sorry ‘Cuse, you have to settle for No. 2 — and now he fancies using his semester of collegiate eligibility playing quarterback for my least-favorite college football program, Michigan. And the icing on the cake is totally douchey disillusionment.
The whole saga began when the guy who hasn’t played quarterback since high school worked out with the Packers. Apparently they must have let him know he wasn’t ready for the NFL, so he decided to look into the whole playing football in college thing.
Duke coach David Cutcliffe let him know that he could play wide receiver if he’d like, but we’ve already got a quarterback. Thanks for asking. (And considering how crappy Duke’s QB must be… well, that says a lot).
So now Paulus decided he had no choice but to look for someone who would let him be their QB despite the whole four years of rust issue. And who better to reach out than the Grand Buffoon of Ann Arbor, Rich Rodriguez? Rich Rod, who appears hellbent on copying the Billy Gillespie career track, has reportedly invited Paulus to join the team.
Good luck with all that, guys.
– Am I the only one who laughed about both New York teams crapping their pants in the openings of their gazillion dollar stadiums?