Roommates Episode No. 5: Shooting Blanks

March 23, 2009 – 10:15 am by TheBaker

On this week’s episode of Roommates:

It’s Sunday night. One of my roommates is having a girl over for a movie. I happen to have more than 250 films at his disposal for “Movie Night.”

“Movie Night” film selection is vital.  A guy has to pick the flick. You can’t leave it up to the girl. She’s counting on you to select something good. In a way, it’s a test. Like picking the restaurant. They want you to come through with the key decisions.

He’s unsure of his choice. 

I recommend “Grosse Pointe Blank.” It’s a flick I’ve gone to on four different occasions with the ladies and each time proved beneficial. It’s kind of my test. If you can’t find entertainment in John Cusack playing an assassin who falls in love at his high school reunion with his old sweetheart, played by Minnie Driver, mixed in with some Dan Aykroyd and Jeremy Piven, well then it’s like a rubber “Reject” stamp on your application for consideration. 

It’s around 6:35 p.m., and all three NCAA Tournament late games (Louisville-Siena, Michigan State-USC and Missouri-Marquette) are great contests. 

Thanks to CBS’s free online March Madness package (a gift directly handed down from the puffy clouds of heaven), my two roommates and I are able to watch all three games.

On a laptop to the left, Louisville-Siena. A laptop to the right, Missouri-Marquette. In the middle on a big screen HD TV, Michigan State-USC.

Talk about an orgy for the eyes.

Add Gus Johnson, the best thing to happen to a microphone since Elvis, and the “sports-wood” we were rocking was nothing short of a boner in sweatpants.

We turned the lights off and closed the blinds to minimize glare (not to circle jerk). All three games are winding down. Siena takes a brief lead against Louisville. Marquette is making Missouri sweat. And Michigan State is barely holding off a crooked USC team.

There’s a knock on the front door.

“Hey guys…Jeez. It’s like a dungeon in here.”

If by dungeon, you mean utopian paradise, then sure dungeon it is.

She asks what movie my buddy has picked out for her and he amazingly provides a disclaimer that in fact, I picked the movie.

What a pud! Of course, I blow up his spot.

“Wow, no confidence in the selection. I kind of almost don’t want you to watch it now. Put it back. Pick something else.”

My other roommate is cracking up on the couch because of my earlier sales pitch for the film and my professor-like explanation to the importance of a “Movie Night” selection.

My buddy refuses to substitute the movie. But he’s already blown it. 

The girl stands there lost. She’s still trying to digest the scene of three different screens playing basketball as one of us barks to one another, “Big play over on this game.”

She can’t quite grasp the awesomeness of the moment and stands waiting patiently for the games to conclude. I try to explain to her what she is witnessing. My buddy tells her it’s like a sports Christmas. She’s still not truly appreciating the scene, but offers up an awkward pity laugh.


It’s at this moment I fear my golden movie selection will crash and burn. It takes a certain type of girl to appreciate John Cusack with a gun – an awesome one. 

I have my doubts. 

Missouri holds off Marquette. Michigan State finishes off USC. My buddy doesn’t get to finish the Louisville-Siena game. He’s already made her watch the thrilling conclusions to the other two games, he won’t put her through another exciting contest in a once-in-a-year occurrence.

Can’t say that I totally blame him. He was about to drag a rather attractive girl into his bedroom for “Movie Night.”

However, I wish I could use telepathy and tell him to go with “Dumb and Dumber” or “Short Circuit.” Anything, just don’t sully the flawless ass-getting record of “Grosse Pointe Blank.”

They retreat into his bedroom. I turn to my other roommate on the couch, who is enjoying the episode far too much, and in a hushed voice say, “She’s not going to like it.”

A few hours later they emerge from the bedroom. Of course, I’m still on the couch – not at all eager to find out the obvious conclusion she’d come to regarding the movie.


“Well, wait a second. How was the movie?”

“It was OK.”

“Just OK?”

“Yeah…I mean, it had some funny moments.”

She leaves with that. My buddy plops down on the couch, sighs heavily like a man defeated. Napoleon after Waterloo had greater morale.

I’m laughing hysterically in my head.

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  1. 5 Responses to “Roommates Episode No. 5: Shooting Blanks”

  2. douchebag

    By BakersPapi on Mar 23, 2009

  3. He should have asked her if she wanted anything else for dessert.

    By Bones on Mar 24, 2009

  4. Haha. I’m not liking anything on the menu…

    By TheBaker on Mar 25, 2009

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