The St. Louis Rams signed center Jason Brown to a five-year, $37.5 million contract on Saturday. Then Mr. Brown opened his mouth and began a slow journey to becoming my favorite NFL player. He’s not there yet, but this was a great start.
Brown, formerly of the Baltimore Ravens, was discussing the relationship that develops between a quarterback and his offensive line and he inevitably invoked the name Kyle Boller. Hilarity ensued.
Brown continued: “Kyle Boller with the Ravens, I love him to death. But you see what getting hit one too many times early in your career can do to you. He became gun shy.
Instead of getting the ball and standing back there with poise and then being able to step up, if there was a flash of anything, something, it might have been far on the edge, he was like…”
Here, Brown flinched.
“And he started to scramble,” Brown said. “You have to have faith in your offensive line to where you say, ‘Hey, I know these guys are going to give me the seconds that I need in order to get this ball off.’”
Oh shit! No he didn’t! Look, there’s nothing I like more than making fun of Kyle Boller, but this takes it to a whole other level. Fantastic, my hat is off to you Jason.
Just for fun, We’re going to take Brown’s quotes apart and translate what he really meant. So here’s our interpretation of the first salvo in the lamest NFL feud since the whole “Will Belichick shake Mangini’s hand?” fiasco of 2007.
“Kyle Boller with the Ravens, I love him to death.”
-I obviously don’t love him to death or I wouldn’t be bringing him up by name in an interview about my new team. Wait, Boller is the douche who went to Cal and banged Tara Reid, right? Yeah that guy.
“But you see what getting hit one too many times early in your career…”
-Or dropped on your head one too many times as a child…
“…can do to you. He became gun shy.”
-After 2005, Brian Billick threatened to kill Boller’s entire family if he ever forced a pass into coverage again.
“Instead of getting the ball and standing back there with poise and being able to step up…
-The kid has no balls. He’s the Ken-doll of quarterbacks.
“…if there was a flash of anything, something, it might have been far on the edge, he was like…”
-You can distract the guy with shiny things or by jingling your keys. Or with puppies, yeah, he’s a sucker for puppies.
“And he started to scramble,”
-Have you seen the guy run? He looks like Bambi on ice.
“You have to have faith in your offensive line to where you say, ‘Hey, I know these guys are going to give me the seconds that I need to get this ball off.’”
-Mark Bulger better not pull anything like that or I’ll be all up in his shit. Seriously, I don’t even care. I came from Baltimore, I was livin’ hard up on them corners doin’ the day-to-day. I dropped my share of bodies, you feel me?
Can’t wait for Boller’s response. If the media can even find him. Didn’t he quit football to play handball or something?
That was Jake Plummer?
Eh, same difference.