An Ode To The Original WAG

Excuse my recent complacency. I’m in the middle of moving and mixed in I had a nice bout of food poisoning courtesy of some Indian food. In protest, I’m not talking to my Indian friends for two weeks.

Have you ever shat on yourself while vomiting? It ain’t pleasant. It’s a job no washer and dryer can remedy. Only a trash bag.

And now that I’ve singed that enchanting image into your cerebral cortex, I doubt you’ll ever ask me again why I’ve been away. Not that you pined achingly for my triumphant return. (Is it too much to presume I’m triumphing?)

And we transition from that to this…

Apparently, the sports blogging sphere is obsessed with the WAG, a term coined by British tabloids referring to soccer players’ Wives and Girlfriends during the 2006 World Cup. The phrase crossed the pond soon after and whether its Alyssa Milano, Kim Kardashian, Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Biel or Phillips’s personal favorite, Adriana Lima, the red-blooded, boob-craving contingent, the backbone of American sports fandom, will continue to remind themselves that talent, wealth and stardom wins everyday against Average Joe when it comes to the attention of the ridiculously sumptuous, unattainable fruit.

Perhaps it was just a natural union for sports fans to merge. Tits and balls, but not in a Jamie Lee Curtis-way.

Legend has it, Victoria Beckham was the first “official” WAG. But I disagree. The first official WAG, at least the first one I can recall from my childhood, just turned 50 on Monday. 

She had many late rendezvouses back in the day. She was passed around like a substitute teacher’s attendance sign-in sheet – never really taken seriously (i.e. Ben Dover, Haywood Jablome). 

To my recollection, she was romantically linked with at least five high-profile baseball players, two NFL legends, a trash-talking point guard and a slew of America’s finest men in uniform.

Chances are if you were a male and hardened in plastic from 1989 to 1995, Barbie was after your shit.

The common misconception is that Barbie was faithful to Ken. But Babs preferred figures more anatomically correct.

Starting in ’89, Barbie endured two years of frustration with Cubs second baseman Ryne Sandberg, who in the wake of the AIDS scare and in attempts to maintain his value, would only fool around with Barbie through his hermetically sealed plastic entombment.

Andre Dawson made a run or two at Dance Club Dancetime Barbie, but was often outmaneuvered by Major Storm.

In 1991, when she went all American Beauty Queen on us, Barbie celebrated with some Saturday morning Canadian bacon with Montreal Expos second baseman Delino DeShields in between episodes of “Camp Candy” and “TaleSpin.”

DeShields and Barbie enjoyed some of the finest figurine lovemaking in recent history, only recently surpassed by Gary Johnston.

Former Baltimore Orioles slugger Chris Hoiles hit a couple moonshots with We Girls Can Do Anything Astronaut Barbie in 1994. “Sure you can, sweetheart. Right after you warm up dinner.”

A year later, Oakland A’s power hitter Geronimo Berroa attempted to cozy up to Evening Flame Barbie, but the two tried to keep the relationship completely plutonic because hot stuff Barbie was worried then-beau-Cam Neely would get burned. He did. A Fourth of July grilling accident opened the door for Berroa to move in, but Barbie stopped coming around after that. Dejected and confused, Berroa became a closeted homosexual and a recluse with the rest of the Starting Lineup only to come out for a spring cleaning. 

So today, we raise our glass to Barbie. Happy 50th, you old bitch! You can live another 50 if you want, you still won’t get Sandberg’s cherry.