Tale Of The Tape: Jill Wagner vs. Santonio Holmes

February 2, 2009 – 5:19 am by Ryan Phillips

Super Bowl XLIII is in the books and, as always, the Big Game made a few careers. Last night’s game was a coming out party for a few people. Obviously the game’s biggest star last night was Santonio Holmes and his unbelievable, game-winning catch. But one could argue that Holmes wasn’t the night’s biggest breakout star.

Shortly after Bruce Springsteen’s crotch crashed into my living room, he and Little Stephen did a hacky back-and-forth with a referee that made me change the channel faster the words “Previously, on The Hills.” So I found my way over to ABC’s latest attempt at making America dumber, Wipeout. While the show is an awful attempt to capture the magic created by MXC, the show’s “sideline reporter” Jill Wagner almost makes up for everything that is so horribly wrong with that show.

I found myself actually flipping between the tedious flag-fest that was the Super Bowl’s third quarter and Wipeout just to see how Jill was doing amongst the stupidity of the show. The chick from those Mercury commericals was holding her own and I was hooked. So, as is tradition here at Rumors and Rants, we’ve got a Tale of the Tape to follow a great Super Bowl contest.

Who was the bigger breakout star of last night’s Super Bowl, Santonio Holmes or Jill Wagner?

Vital Statistics
Holmes: 24-years-old, 5’11, 189 pounds. In three years, 156 receptions, 2,587 yards, 15 touchdowns and one returning touchdown (regular season stats).
Wagner: 30-years-old, 5’8, perfect body. Holds several steady jobs in the hectic world that is Hollywood.
Advantage: Push

Outfit On Super Bowl Sunday
Holmes: Classic Steelers yellow, black and white.
Wagner: Skin-tight, classic referee black and white.
Advantage: Wagner

Super Bowl Performance
Holmes: Almost single-handedly won Pittsburgh its sixth Super Bowl
Wagner: Looked even hotter than usual interviewing idiots and carried Michael Irvin’s boring ass throughout the evening.
Advantage: Holmes

Was Up Against
Holmes: The Arizona Cardinals secondary.
Wagner: The most watched event worldwide every year.
Advantage: Wagner

College Attended
Holmes: THE Ohio State University.
Wagner: North Carolina State.
Advantage: Wagner (to our knowledge an NC State fan has never been caught masturbating in a public library.)

Resume Before Super Bowl XLIII
Holmes: Average numbers, but occasionally explosive. Was the 25th pick in the 2006 NFL Draft.
Wagner: Blade: The Series, Stargate: Atlantis, Punk’d, Mercury commercials.
Advantage: Holmes

Career Assist Goes To
Holmes: His work ethic and Troy Smith.
Wagner: Her boobs
Advantage: Wagner

Douchebag They’ve Associated With
Holmes: Jeff Reed
Wagner: Ashton Kutcher
Advantage: Wagner

Key Teammates
Holmes: Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, Willie Parker, James Harrison.
Wagner: John Anderson, John Henson, Michael Irvin.
Advantage: Holmes

Claim To Fame
Holmes: Will now be mentioned alongside Lynn Swann and David Tyree when people talk about the best catches in Super Bowl history.
Wagner: She’s the hottest co-host of a game show since Carmen Electra on Singled Out.
Advantage: Holmes

VERDICT: 5-4 Jill Wagner

There you have it, the Mercury Chick is the winner. Frankly, I thought it would go Santonio’s direction, but when you can’t argue with science. Besides, Jill Wagner once walked into a pool of blood completely naked on Blade: The Series. No man can compete with that kind of dedication.

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  1. 2 Responses to “Tale Of The Tape: Jill Wagner vs. Santonio Holmes”

  2. She’s apparently from Raleigh. Sadly, though, we have no pools of blood for her to crawl into around here.

    By MJenks on Feb 2, 2009

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  2. Sep 30, 2013: Phelps Smokes Bong, Better Super Bowl: Jill Wagner Or Santonio Holmes

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