Extremely Shittily Programmed Network

February 19, 2009 – 3:57 am by Hickey

We all know that ESPN loves to shove certain things down our throats with vigor, varying from sport to sport.

Baseball: Anything Yankees-Red Sox leads.

NFL: Or as we like to call it, the NFC East and the other 7

College Basketball: We are investigating a lead that other conferences exist outside the ACC and Big East

NHL: What is this thing you speak of?

And so on and so forth. Most people just sort of assume these biases to be there, but during Wednesday evening’s Sportscenter telecast, they really teabagged us with some of them.

The first TEN MINUTES of the 5 p.m. Sports Center were dedicated to A-Rod a day AFTER the press conference where he told us the same cockgobbling shit that he told us a week ago in a 45-minute interview with Peter Gammons. Generally, at the most, you expect that type of newscast to dedicate maybe five minutes to the top story of the day. But here we were dedicated 10 to the top story of yesterday. Which may not have actually been the top story of yesterday at all, but at least they dictated that it was so.

I guess there was a new development. Today, they showed Derek Jeter stunningly coming to the support of his teammate. Would you believe he made a mistake, and he admitted it, and we’re all behind him? I was so expecting Jeter to say “Fuck A-Rod. That guy is a fucking douche. He’s never sleeping over at my place again. Oh, one more thing. I just got head from Madonna.”

The only part of the 10-minute segement that was at all revelatory came at the very end, when Gammons discussed why so much attention was being paid to A-Rod’s story when Miguel Tejada is actually facing the prospect of jail time for lying to Congress about his steroid use, and thus is in a whole hell of a lot more trouble than A-Rod.

I couldn’t quite hear, but I believe Gammons’ answer was, “As you know, A-Rod made it to the Final Four of our ‘Who’s Now’ competition last year while Tejada was eliminated in the first round of the Who’s Now NIT.”

At this rate, I’m pretty sure Sports Center will lead off Thursday night’s telecast with “A-Rod takes most relieving shit since steroid story broke.”


“I’ve been really waiting for this deuce for awhile now. I’ve been sort of backed up for a while now since that lady from Sports Illustrated stalked me and broke this story to me. But me and Joba just totally got shit-faced last night, man — some Mojitos, couple bottles of Zima — and topped it off with some White Castle. Whew! Let me tell you, it was a double-flush job.

I’d also like to apologize again for something I did when I was young and stupid.”

Fortunately, those who wanted to figure out what else was going on the world of sports for the opening 10 minutes of that episode of Sports Center had the Bottom Line ticker to provide it. The most frequently repeated item regarded Julius Peppers, who wants to be traded if he gets stuck with the Franchise Player tag. (Bitching about being named franchise player is a whole other rant we’ll get to some other day.)

The scrolling text let us know that Peppers “would only accept a trade to four teams, including the Cowboys and two other NFC teams.” Well gee-fucking-whiz, you don’t suppose that other teams in the NFC might have fans, do you??

I realize that the Cowboys were the only team named because no other ones were leaked, but why them? Why do we continue giving a shit about this mediocre franchise? The freaking New Orleans Saints have won a playoff game more recently than the Cowboys. But because they have lots of “characters” and are “America’s Team”, the Cowboys get attention. Maybe they should try actually earning it on the field.

Just had to, y’know, get that stuff off my chest.

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  1. 4 Responses to “Extremely Shittily Programmed Network”

  2. I wholeheartedly second this post.

    However, if ESPN really did cover A-Rod’s shit, I might support them. It’s one thing to cover A-Rod all the time and act like it’s normal but if they sort of admitted they were overdoing it and just jump head first into covering every minute of his life and actually cover his shit, I would gain a little respect for them.

    By Pablo on Feb 19, 2009

  3. Amen, baseball players using PEDs is hardly breaking (or even interesting) news anymore, regardless of who it is.

    The rest, for the most part, is just clearly east-coast bias. (What do expect?)

    By Sean on Feb 19, 2009

  4. Baseball: Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs

    NFL: Brett Favre, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, TO and the Dallas Cowboys

    NHL. You’re right


    NCAAB: Duke, with the annoying Dick Vitale

    NBA: Kobe and LeBron, don’t get be started on Steven A Smith and Stuart Scott

    and I guess they are a movie channel now too.

    By Baze on Feb 19, 2009

  5. now that’s a rant.

    By roundthewaygirl on Feb 19, 2009

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