Good evening, I’m Bob Costas (pictured at actual size) and welcome to our presentation of the Rumors and Rants National Collegiate Football Championship Trophy (and half-assed homage to KSK since they won the best sports blog award and are officially Rumors and Rants’ blog-daddies for another year). The votes have been counted, the experts have weighed in, and all the games have been over for like a week now, so we need to hand this fucking thing out. Am I right, folks?
Before I discuss the finalists, let me take a moment to say the BCS is terrible and if this country had any bollocks left after this financial meltdown, we’d already have treated the BCS the same as any other sixteenth-century witch and had ourselves a nice fire somewhere. I’m sure my copy of the Malleus Maleficarum is around here somewhere.
This is the only non-corporate-sponsored national championship you’re going to see anywhere. If any of you happen to be potential sponsors then let me just say WELCOME! Please, have a seat! Champagne? Caviar? Please give us your money. My God, they’re BLOGGERS! Help them!
The voting came down to three deserving teams. Well, one deserving team, Utah, one sort of deserving team, USC (mostly in here because Phillips is a bitch and tried to split his vote but was summarily denied) and The Man’s national champion, the Florida Gators.
Without further ado, I’m turning things over to the official hot poon of Rumors and Rants and the tits, er, woman who will announce the winner and hand out the trophy to our winners and National Champions, tits, Ms. Diora Baird. Tits!
Diora Baird: Hello everyone, and please keep your hands where I can see them. How about a hand for Bob Costas and his adorable elfin-features? The winner of the 2009 Rumors and Rants National Collegiate Football Championship is…
The Utah Utes!
Whittingham: Who are you people? Where the hell am I? The fuck is Rumors and Rants? Listen people, we know we’re better than Florida and USC, but we wanted that BCS National Championship. Do you know how hard it is to pick up on Mormon coeds with a blog’s national championship? They want the real deal, baby. I can’t just pull up and say, “want some blog-award winning sausage, ladies?” anymore. That shit is played out….So where’s this damn trophy?
Tits Diora: Here you go. Congratulations, coach.
Whittingham: Fucking blogs! Who founded this thing? I’m gonna kick his ass. You can’t just throw a guy into the trunk of a Honda Accord with two dead hookers and then hand him a fucking ribbon! It’s…It’s…It’s just wrong!
McD: Calm down Kyle…OK, OK, let me go. The blog was founded by Phill…uh…Will Leitch, yeah that’s it. Will Leitch founded this. He’s in New York City.
(marvels at McD’s abs one more time, and stalks off stage)
Costas: And with that, we say tits, I mean, good night. Tits. Congratulations to the University of tits. We’ll see you next year. Hopefully with better tits writing, hint hint, McD. Tits.