If you want detailed analysis of why I think Pittsburgh will beat Baltimore in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game, you’ve come to the wrong place. With how often the “experts” are right, I figured stats, trends and past results are worth about as much as Monopoly money, otherwise known as the U.S. dollar.
There’s really only one way to decide who’s going to win on Sunday. And we all know what that is. A Rumors and Rants Tale of the Tape!
Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh
Baltimore: Nixon’s VP Spiro Agnew. Carmelo Anthony. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, Muggsy Bogues. Tom Clancy, Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz, Mel Kiper, Jr., Michael Phelps, Edgar Allan Poe, Babe Ruth, Tupac and David Hasselhoff.
Pittsburgh: Andy Warhol, Stan Musial, Charles Bronson, ESPN’s John Buccigross, Joe Montana, Dan Cortese, Jeff Goldblum, Dan Marino, Michael Keaton, Dennis Miller, Mark Cuban, Jim Kelly, Jeff Hostetler, Joe Namath and Johnny Unitas.
Advantage: Looks like it’s good to be a quarterback born in Steel City, unless your name is Alex Van Pelt or Mike McMahon. But two words: Hasselhoff and Kiper. Baltimore, hands down.
Baltimore: Lord Baltimore. His buddies called him Cecil, and he founded Rhode Island, so score there. England’s Civil War kept him from visiting the land which would later bear his name. He was named Maryland’s first Proprietary Governor though he never set foot in the colony. He maintained active involvement through deputies such as his son, Charles.
Pittsburgh: Sir William Pitt. Britain’s Secretary of State during the French and Indian War, he later became Prime Minister. Pitt openly defied two kings under whom he served and quarreled violently with members of Parliament. When speaking of taxing American colonists across the Atlantic he said, “Trade is your object with them and taxing was ill advised. If you don not make suitable laws for them, they will make laws for you, my Lords.” A man with some balls and foresight, I like it.
TV show set in:
Baltimore: “The Wire.” Drugs. Guns. Politics. Crime.
Pittsburgh: “Queer As Folk.” Captain Astro. Jewish lesbians. AIDS. Shaft.
Advantage: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Baltimore.
Best MILF product
Advantage: As long as Pelosi doesn’t feel the same about pulling out as she does bailing out, I’m going Pelosi on this one. Baltimore.
My favorite player in franchise history
Baltimore: QB Eric Zeier. What can I say, I grew up with UGA football, and Zeier broke 67 school and 18 SEC records in the early 1990s – my formative years. Think about it this way: the same reason you still like “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” is the reason I still like Eric Zeier. Zeier started 11 games for the Cleveland/Baltimore franchise from 1995-98. He won five of them.
Pittsburgh: QB Neil O’Donnell. I just like hearing him talk. And he looks a lot like my Uncle Mike.
Baltimore: (tie) Kima Greggs, “The Wire” and Alger Hiss. In Season Five, Greggs (played by Sonja, Sohn) turns in McNulty and Freamon after McNulty tells her he faked the “Red Ribbon Killer.” By ratting them out, it basically ended their careers in the department and the series. Bitch! Hiss was a State Department official turned Soviet spy – allegedly. A Communist in American Clothes, he was convicted of perjury in 1950.
Pittsburgh: Rod Woodson. Dude spends 10 years with the Steelers only to show up at division rival Baltimore (after a year stint in San Francisco) and win a Super Bowl. To be frank, the Rooneys lowballed him in free agency in 1996 so he had to bolt. Kids gotta eat. On a personal note, Woodson went to Purdue, so he’s a chode either way.
Advantage: I’m a sucker for the Allegheny Mountains. Pittsburgh.
Baltimore: Star-Spangled Banner. During the War of 1812 and the bombardment of Baltimore’s harbor, Francis Scott Key penned what would later become America’s national anthem as he watched a storm flag continue to wave during the rocket and cannon barrage.
Pittsburgh: Whiskey Rebellion. Let the nancy Bostonians rebel over taxing tea, us hardened Pennsylvanians riot when you tax whiskey. There were protests and harassment of tax officials, but in 1795 the fight got bloody as Oliver Miller Homestead took a bullet. President Washington ordered martial law and commanded 12,950 organized army (about the same size of the entire Revolutionary Army) to quell the rebellion, which in the end wasn’t much of anything. The U.S. Army gathered up 20 prisoners to showcase the new federal authority. It was only the second time in U.S. history that a standing President commanded the military in the field (James Madison helped defend D.C. in the War of 1812).
Advantage: Carl Lewis. Baltimore.
Celebs You’d Want to Bang
Anna Faris and Stacy Keibler.
Christina Aguilera and Amber Brkich from “Survivor.”
Advantage: Baltimore, duh.
So when you break it down scientifically it’s Baltimore winning 6-3. And when you think about it, that’s a realistic score line when these two get together. And if it’s going to be a field goal battle, we’ll take Matt Stover over Jeff “I Like Taking Pics of My Dick” Reed.
Here’s to Baltimore, a city I’ve driven by once.