Cue The Overused Electronic Vocal Stylings Of…

December 1, 2008 – 11:38 am by Matthew Glenesk

It could have been potentially the greatest legitimizing pop culture-soccer crossover since David Beckham cozied up with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

But the game of soccer has taken yet another blow here Stateside. One, I don’t think the sport will ever truly bounce back from. 

Chart topping rapper Akon and ESPN blogger Lil’ Wayne are throwing a multimillion dollar “holiday” bash in Miami (their agents are Jewish).

Akon, who was born in Senegal, is a big footie fan. He invited English Premier League stars El Hadji Diouf, a Senegalese international, and Djibril Cisse of Sunderland along with Chelsea strikers Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka.

And with a story like this, there’s no better place to turn to than the shining beacon of journalism integrity – the British tabloids.

As The Sun writes: “No hip-hop party would be complete without an endless river of Cristal champagne, but the mega-rich rappers have also gone to great lengths to make it feel Christmassy.”

So you say there’s no snow in Miami? No problem. Lil’ Wayne and Akon know exactly where to get the best pure white powder from – Greenland.

No joke. They have arranged for real snow to be flown in from Greenland (which is actually covered in ice, while Iceland is lush and green. Those sneaky Vikings).

A “source” (i.e. a publicist) told The Sun, “The party promises to be the biggest hip-hop bash ever thrown.”

Well, at least for right now na na na.

Unfortunately, for the players their respective teams have told them they cannot cross the Atlantic to party with the rappers, Kanye West, Gwen Stefani (and her once- awesome-now-gone-queer husband Gavin Rossdale) and the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson.  

No word on whether the clubs banned the players from attending for fears they may accidentally shoot themselves in the leg.

I don’t think the teams have much to worry about that though. Akon is what we in the media elite call a “poser.” 

There’s nothing wrong with being a poser. I myself was one in middle school. I wore the Airwalks, baggy jeans and dressed the part of a skater, but actually never as much stepped on a skateboard. We do what we have to survive, don’t judge me.

Akon’s the same way. The rapper claimed to be a part of a auto-theft ring and spent three years “Locked Up.” Well, The Smoking Gun came out in April saying there are no records of any such incarceration. In reality, Akon got pinched on a gun possession charge in 1998 and spent three years on probation. Not to totally discredit his criminal exploits, he did do a a few month stretch in jail for jacking a BMW, but the charges were eventually dropped.

Oh, what could have been.

I guess us soccer fans will still have to cling to celebrity endorsements from the likes of Drew Carey. 

Ugh.

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