By the time you read this post, it will probably be moot. But when you must resort to borrowing internet access from unwitting neighbors, timeliness takes a backseat to whenever you can get a post online.
In what will likely be their last televised interviews before Election Day, presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain will shoot the bull with ESPN’s Chris Berman during halftime of Monday Night Football. We can only assume that the ghost of Tim Russert is even more horrified than it was by the Bills’ performance against the Jets on Sunday.
We didn’t get exact access to the transcript of Boomer’s interview, but we’re guessing it will go something like this:
BERMAN: John “McCain and Able” is taking time from solving the financial crisis to join us tonight, it’s a real honor to talk to you, sir.
McCAIN: Who are you again? I was told I’d be on with Howard Cosell.
BERMAN: (blushes) Um, Senator McCain, your campaign has been rumblin’, stumblin’, bumblin’ towards the end zone of election day. Do you think you have some Flutie Magic to pull off the win?
McCAIN: My friends, football is the perfect analogy for this election. Look at the NFL. If you elect Barack Obama as your president, it will be like taking a couple of wins from the New York Giants or the Tennessee Oilers and putting them into the pockets of teams like the Detroit Lions, who are just begging for a handout and doing nothing to make the league a better place for football.
BERMAN: Speaking of the NFL, your Arizona Cardinals are in first place for the first time since you were a child and they played in Chicago. Do you think they have what it takes to hang on?
McCAIN: My friends, it will be my honor to host coach Joe Bugle and the Cardinals as my first official act in the White House shortly after their Super Bowl win.
BERMAN: Thank you, Senator. Now I turn to your Democratic colleague, Barack “Hussein in the Membrane” Obama. Senator Obama, state your case as to why you should be the next president.
OBAMA: Boomer, if you want to continue eight years of the same failed economic policies, I invite you to vote for Senator McCain. But frankly, that would be foolish, like if the Bears decided that Rex Grossman should still be a starting quarterback.
(Aide whispers into Obama’s ear)
Er, check that Boomer. It would be like if the Bears decided that Chad Hutchinson should still be their quarterback.
BERMAN: Much has been made of your inexperience. Do you have what it takes to lead this nation through a crisis?
OBAMA: Chris, much was made of Ben Roethlisberger’s inexperience at one time, and he led the Steelers to a Super Bowl victory. (Waves terrible towel in ploy for Pennsylvania votes).
McCAIN: Joe the Plumber —
BERMAN: Thank you gentlemen. That’s all the time we have tonight. Now, for the fastest two minutes in sports…