The sporting world appears to have taken David Byrne’s words to heart, because this week things have officially stopped making sense. We can only hope general managers in oversized suits aren’t far behind. A few noticeable items:
- The Monday Night Football game between the Cardinals and 49ers should have had no appeal to anyone living outside of San Francisco or Arizona. Yet it turned out to be the most compellingly bizarre NFL game of the entire season.
I’m not even where sure to start describing it. We do know that the Cardinals pulled the win out of their asses despite doing their very best to repeat the infamous Dennis Green “The Bears Are Who We Thought They Were” game of ’06.
With slightly more than two minutes remaining, Tony Kornheiser made the mistake of pronouncing the game over in favor of the Cards. Tony should have known better than to do such a foolish thing — he’s the same one who sainted Matt Leinart as the next great QB in the aforementioned Bears game before it was over. (Unless he was talking about the next great QB at bedding hot blondes — and is it considered bedding when you do them in a hot tub? — that hasn’t quite materialized.) Seriously, that’s Dennis Miller-level amateurism.
As expected by anyone who has ever even remotely followed the fortunes of the Cardinal franchise, the 49ers found themselves knocking on the door of the end zone moments later. And then for reasons yet to be discovered, the Niners suffered from the most massive series of brain farts in NFL history. Check that — they were brain shits.
After getting to the 3-yard-line with 45 seconds left, it took the Niners 25 seconds to finally spike the ball. Much of the time was spent with Shaun Hill (he’s the quarterback, as you well shouldn’t know) looking at the sidelines waiting for some kind of sign.
Then, they tried running off tackle with Frank Gore despite having no timeouts. It was a gutsy call, and would have worked if Gore hadn’t hit the ground after being tapped by an Arizona lineman. There was still time to kill the clock, which Hill did with 2 seconds left.
But wait… the booth decided to review the play, since Gore did crawl into the end zone. But, as called on the field, he was down by contact. The officials reset 4 seconds on the clock, giving San Francisco time to… hand the ball off to MICHAEL ROBINSON?!?!? The guy who has 14 rushing yards all season? Wha-wha-wha?
Somehow, the ending was almost enough to make you forget that Arizona had two interception returns for touchdowns that were called back because of offsides penalties, and that there were at least five flags thrown in the game where the officials huddled together and determined there was no foul on the play.
- Every time I think I’ve done something with my life, I learn about people like Jed York. Who the hell is Jed York, you ask?
He’s the 49ers de facto owner. And he’s 27 years old. So, I have about five months to purchase a team, or I’ll feel like a chump on my birthday. (Sure, he had a bit of a better situation with the gene pool considering that his parents had the money and gave him control, but still. Shit. I won’t even own a house ’til I’m like 70.)
- So, let me get this straight. The A’s dump all of their top pitching talent while in the middle of the pennant race last season… and then go out and acquire a soon-to-be-high-priced bat from the Rockies in Matt Holliday?
How on earth does Oakland plan on affording Mr. Holliday long-term? Or do they think they’ll magically compete this year with a bunch of kids and a guy who might be able to hit the ball out of the massive Oakland Coliseum?
Believe me, I’m perfectly happy that Holliday isn’t headed to St. Louis as originally reported. But it’s still impossible to wrap my mind around how the A’s became the team to land him. Maybe he’ll end up in a different uniform before the season even starts as part of some Billy Beane master plan. (Remember, Omar Infante was technically a Cub after being acquired in an offseason deal last year and ended up a Brave.) But for now, it’s just another mindbender.