Just Run Baby!

September 22, 2008 – 4:10 pm by Matthew Glenesk

I don’t presume to know anything that goes on inside the deteriorating cranium of one Allen Davis, but with the possibility that the team will be looking at its fourth coach in six seasons, I figure it is my duty to offer a list of qualified candidates for the head coaching vacancy.

Big Al (the un-gay one) was among the first in the NFL to hire a Latino (Tom Flores), an African-American (Art Shell version 1.0) and a woman (Amy Trask) to top level positions. So after (apparently) bombing with a young whizkid like Lane Kiffin expect the unexpected from Davis.

Darth Vader – Season ticket holder since 1977, the Dark Lord of the Sith cut off his own son’s limb. That’s the kind of cold-blooded, “Just win, baby, or die,” leadership the Raiders need. Ranked No. 3 all-time amongst villains by the AFI, Vader has no problems taking orders from ghastly looking crypt keepers.

Ed HochuliHe’s already beaten the Chargers once this year.

John Madden – America would rejoice as a return to Oakland for Captain Obvious would mean one thing: getting him out of the broadcast booth.

Barack Obama – Anyone can take on this banking crisis, energy dependency and global conflict, but it takes a real brave soul to work for Al Davis. A master orator, Obama would no doubt be a great motivator in the locker room, though he’d need to surround himself with people more experienced (within the game of football). However, he’s more of a hoops man and is eying a run at the Chicago Bulls job in 2016.

Dr. Emmett L. Brown – Using the plutonium-fueled flux capacitor Doc Brown will hop in the DeLorean DMC-12 and travel to a time when the Raiders were still relevant.

Sonny the Cuckoo Bird – You’d have to be crazy to work for Al Davis, and I think we’ve found our bird. He’s “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” which is a bonus, though players would need to avoid the words “crunchy, munchy and chocolatey” during team meetings. Interesting side note: the same guy (Larry Kenney) did the voices for Sonny and Lion-O from “ThunderCats.”  And now you know.

Stephen Hawking - Who better to plop in The Black Hole than the acclaimed theoretical physicist who has devoted his life to the fields of cosmology and quantum gravity? I’m sure the Lucasian Professor of Mathetmatics at the University of Cambridge can come up with some innovative ways to use Darren McFadden.

Howie Long – A Raider-lifer, Long was the face of the franchise en route to eight Pro Bowl appearances between 1983-93. He gets bonus points for the development of his son, Chris, who is the only bright spot for the Rams this season. Long is Chevy Tough and he’s proven he can handle a “Firestorm.” Though one has to wonder how his coaches’ headset will contour around the infamous flattop.

Dick Butkus – Once dubbed by Sports Illustrated as “The Most Feared Man in the Game,” Butkus could have the Raiders “Bound for Glory.” Or not. His 1-6 record with the Montour Spartans doesn’t really tantalize. Though he more than held his own on “Hang Time” as Coach Mike Katonwinski leading the Deering Tornadoes to countless lessons about drugs, alcohol and sleep deprivation. That’s the kind of positive role model you want around youngsters JaMarcus Russell and Darren McFadden.

Bud Kilmer – Say what you want about the guy’s methods, but he got results. The head coach of the West Canaan Coyotes just won baby. Hell, his team even brought home a district championship with Jonathan Moxon at quarterback and “he ain’t worth the Charmin Extra Soft he wipes his butt with.” Throw in the fact that he had an injured star quarterback, a disgruntled black running back and a 600-pound guard and it’s amazing the Coyotes did anything. Surely he could get something out of JaMarcus Russell, Darren McFadden and Justin Fargas, right? Hell, he even had a statue erected in his honor and a stadium named after him. He is the perfect guy to pair with Al Davis.

Al Davis – How about the skeleton himself? Sure he’s 75 percent dead inside, but no one tells Al what to do. People forget, Davis got his start in football as a coach. He took over the Raiders job in 1963 as a 33-year old wise guy from Brooklyn and won the AFL Coach of the Year. He coached two more seasons with the Raiders before becoming AFL commissioner. Davis IS the Raiders franchise. I mean the dude picked the colors silver and black most likely because he’s color-blind (he really is). He may have trouble getting around the sideline with his cane, but if Hawking and Charlie Weis can manage, he’ll do just fine. Only one man can answer to Al Davis, and it seems that’s just going to have to be Al Davis.

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  1. 7 Responses to “Just Run Baby!”

  2. What, no “Lucasian Professor of Mathematics” tag?

    By McD on Sep 22, 2008

  3. That last picture is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. Thanks for dooming me to a week of sleepless nights.

    By cousin charlie on Sep 22, 2008

  4. Al looks like one of the Ephors from 300 in that picture.

    By Carlos on Sep 23, 2008

  5. the scariest thing? i actually think they’re improving under kiffin. talk about a doomed position.

    By Cecilio's Scribe on Sep 23, 2008

  6. hilarious post

    By Alex on Sep 23, 2008

  7. Much appreciated.

    By TheBaker on Sep 23, 2008

  8. Fuck Kilmer!

    By Billy Bob on Sep 25, 2008

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