From The Files of Police Squad

September 4, 2008 – 2:38 pm by Hickey


Outside of sports, the thing I like reading about the most is anything that can be tagged “stupid criminals” or “news of the weird.” Actually, to be honest, I like those stories even more than sports. There just isn’t much of a market for beat writers in news of the weird, so this is what I’m stuck with.

However, when I am able to put sports and the other items together in one nice, tidy package — well, that is heaven, friends. And this week is providing us with plenty of fodder.

– The ever-changing saga of Tatum Bell and Rudi Johnson is by far this week’s best story.

It began on Monday, when Rudi showed up in Detroit for his ostensible job interview with Matt Millen before signing with the Lions. Johnson left his bags outside of Millen’s office, and when they finished talking and went back into the locker room, the luggage was gone.

The culprit? Tatum Bell, the man who was cut to make room for Johnson on the roster. Ironically, just minutes before learning that security cameras had determined that Bell was the culprit, Johnson had praised him for giving him good advice about the team and the city.

Obviously he lied to you, Rudi, because the first thing anyone should know about Detroit is to keep your personal belongings with you at all times.

The best part of this is that Bell didn’t exactly make a grand heist: he ended up taking Johnson’s skivvies. The whites. He grabbed the ringer, dude. Well, along with $200 from a money clip and some credit cards. But it wasn’t exactly “The Bank Job.”

Fortunately, because we’re talking about Detroit, where anything goes, the story is far from over. Despite being caught on camera Bell denies that he stole anything, calling it a “misunderstanding.”

His exact words to the Detroit Free-Press: “I ain’t no thief. I ain’t never been one, and I ain’t never going to be one. It was all a misunderstanding.”

Does his use of double negatives mean he’s actually fessing up in this statement?

– Toke, Smoke, Jayhawk.

Former Kansas stars Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur were kicked out of the NBA’s rookie transition camp in Westchester, N.Y. after getting caught with weed and two women in their room.

Hey, wait a sec, that sounds like a pretty realistic transition to rookie life to me. David Stern totally just cockblocked you guys!

– Speaking of the NBA, Monta Ellis may be forced to fork over lots of dollars to the Warriors if they decide to punish him for getting injured in a non-basketball related activity, whatever it was that he won’t admit to. At least he’s not pulling a Jeff Kent and saying that he was washing his truck.

Seems like an awkward way to start a relationship with your top free-agent signee, though.

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  1. One Response to “From The Files of Police Squad”

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