They’re Driving An ’84…Sheepdog

September 16, 2008 – 2:34 am by Matthew Glenesk

DeSean Jackson, love you buddy. Took you in the 13th round of my fantasy football draft. You’ve got great moves and blazing speed.

But flipping the ball in celebration of a touchdown only works when you actually score a touchdown.


10 Iggles Not Smart @ Yahoo! Video

Mike Tirico eloquently analyzed Jackson’s premature (cough) celebration calling it “one of the biggest bonehead plays in the history of the NFL.” Then Tony Kornheiser reminded all Cowboys fans that it was the very same end zone in which Leon Lett inscribed his name among the candidates for Moron of the Decade.

It got me thinking – which is never a good thing -but I started racking my brain for some other greats among sports idiots.

And no, I’m not going to pile on Vince Young (originally thought to score a six on the Wonderlic though he actually scored a 16). But I don’t think we have to worry. I’m not all that convinced he can figure out how to load a gun.

So let’s take a look at other sports dummies:

Joe Theismann – In 1970, the dude changed the pronunciation of his last name from “Theez-man” to rhyme with Heisman, as in the Heisman Trophy. Unfortunately for Joe, the Heez-man went to Jim Plunkett.

After Lawrence Taylor and Henry Carson snapped Theismann’s leg like a twig on national TV in 1985, he retired and moved into the broadcast booth. There, with microphone in tow, Joe began one of the greatest train-wreck careers in history, offering up tidbits like this one: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Theismann’s observations from the press box make John Madden sound like a Rhodes Scholar, or that famous scientist, you know, Norman Einstein.

Fittingly, Theismann also helped pen “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Football.”

Carl Everett – A prolific hothead, Everett is more known for his ejections and suspensions than his two All-Star appearances. When he’s not grabbing his junk after hitting a home run off Jamie Moyer, Carl moonlights as an anthropologist.

“The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.”

Everett went on to say that dino fossils were man-made and the Apollo moon landing was staged.

However, dinosaurs aren’t public enemy No. 1 in Everett’s eyes. That would be the gays. In fact, Carl said he’d consider retiring if he found out he had an openly gay teammate and that he would “set him straight.”

In a 2005 interview, Carl said 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they are watching. Yeah, I’m watching a dude who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs make more money in six months then I’ll see in a lifetime. Sour grapes?

Matt Millen – I mean do I need to expound?

Mike Cameron – Not sure if Cameron has been hanging out with Carl Everett, but the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder seems to be about as well read on science as the homophobic conspiracy theorist. Here’s Cameron’s take on celestial bodies, “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years.” Right about the time Columbus found America by moonlight.

Tim McCarver – “Roy Oswalt is a drop and drive pitcher. What’s a drop and drive pitcher? He is a guy who drops and drives. Very simple.”

Tim McCarver is what we like to call an ass and dick announcer. What’s an ass and dick announcer? He is a guy who is both an ass and a dick. Very simple.

Living in Atlanta at the time of the Atlanta Braves Renaissance, I must admit one of my favorite childhood moments was watching Deion Sanders dump McCarver, not once, but twice with ice cold water after McCarver mercilessly laid into Deion for pulling double duty for the Atlanta Falcons during the World Series.

McCarver blows. Anyone who says otherwise probably thinks Nicolas Cage doesn’t have hair plugs.

George Rogers – The former New Orleans Saints running back did what Joe Theismann couldn’t. He won the Heisman. But like Theismann, the South Carolina Gamecock shows the sharp acumen scholars dream of.

Stating his goals for his upcoming rookie season, Rogers responded: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

To his credit, Rogers led the league with 1,647 yards, won Rookie of the Year and made the Pro Bowl in 1981.

Jacques Demers and Dexter Manley – Both illiterate. Usually not a sign of intelligence, yet the media focused on how brave they were to accomplish what they did without the ability to read. Are you kidding me? Learn how to fucking read. Then I’ll be impressed.

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  1. 2 Responses to “They’re Driving An ’84…Sheepdog”

  2. Nice to see there’s another member of the DeSean Jackson Grief support group. Still got me the win on Mon. night, though.

    By McD on Sep 16, 2008

  3. nice post, current and backwards looking. however, it wouldn’t have taken more than 3-5 minutes to find an excess of retarded quotes from Artest. He may be a nice guy, but he really is retarded. I would have added Chad Eight Five to the list but I think he’s more crazy than stupid. Or how about an unnamed IU player (name rhymes with lamarcus pellis) who got kicked off the team for allegedly selling drugs while on a full ride to a great basketball school? On second thought, this might have been too easy to write.

    By Pablo on Sep 16, 2008

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