SEC Football Preview: More Than Just Hot Chicks And Racist Fans

August 13, 2008 – 5:06 pm by McD

It’s time for the 2008 college football season, and that means it’s time for me to start (faux) gambling again! Risking your hard earned cash on pro sports is a sucker’s bet, if you want the real money, you gamble on student-athletes who aren’t getting paid. That’s the true spirit of inter-collegiate athletics. But before I can be this site’s Jimmy the Greek—er forget I said that—I need to preview the various major conferences and possibly the best of the rest if I’m not feeling too lazy.

I treat the SEC like I treat Ron Burgundy: I may not like it. In fact, I hate its guts. But dammit I respect it. It is ground zero for the insanity that is college football, both the good and the bad kinds. No conference has more loyal fans (when they aren’t insanely racist) on a school-for-school basis than the SEC. No conference is as consistently overrated by experts and national rankings either. SEC teams get way too much respect from everyone involved with college football. I realize there are plenty of good teams year in and year out in there, but let’s face it, the people who rate the teams are simply afraid of the fans and the press’s reaction to a snub or low ranking. Yet, no matter what I say, there’s a pretty decent chance one of these teams will be playing for the BCS Championship in January. On to the preview.

SEC East: The Big Brother

1. Georgia

Over-rated! (clap clap clap clap clap) Over-rated! (clap clap clap clap clap). Expect to hear that chant once, if not twice, from opposing fans at a Georgia game this season. I like Matt Stafford and everything, but two years ago, when he and Mitch Mustain were both freshman starters in the SEC, it was obvious Mustain was the better of the two. Still is. Stafford is much too inconsistent and struggles with the simple throws. Still, Knowshon Moreno is the shit and he’s worth nine wins pretty much by himself. But if we know one thing about Mark Richt, it’s this: whether he has talent on the team or not, he and his offense are still boring and predictable and his team is still in the SEC. Pretty much everyone on Georgia’s schedule can stop a pro-style offense given the time. There is simply no way they make it through undefeated.

2. Florida
With Jesus H. Tebow at quarterback, anything is possible. You could also say that for opposing offenses because the Gators’ D kinda sucked last season. Tebow is also going to need help from the other ten guys on offense. I mean yeah, he could probably snap the ball, receive the snap, block for himself, and catch his own passes, but why should he have to? It’s a team game, people! The real question is: will Urban Meyer smile on the sideline in ’08?

3. South Carolina
Hey, we’re in the SEC too! And we still have Steve Spurrier! Yeah, doesn’t matter. There are three teams better than them in the SEC East alone, I just happen to think the Vols are going to screw the pooch this season in the rest of their games. Spurrier-ball might also finally be a relic given how a good pass rush completely screws their gameplans every time. Actually, none of that matters if they can’t find a competent quarterback this season. The only way the Cocks could have a good QB this season is if they can kidnap Aaron Corp and convince him he’s at the real USC.

4. Tennessee
Phil Fulmer has done what few other coaches can do: take his own national championship program and made it an afterthought in just 10 years. Awesome. I don’t care if they were in the SEC title game last season. Any conference with a three-loss team vs. a two-loss team in the title game should be called the MAC, not the SEC. Fulmer sure as hell can recruit though. He just doesn’t get anything out of his talent. Or they get arrested. You know, whatever. On the bright side, they got rid of Erik Ainge and his Jamie Moyer-like fastball. Problem is, I’m not sure even Vol fans know the name of the starter this season.

5. Vanderbilt
The Northwestern of the SEC. Or is Northwestern the Vandy of the Big Ten? To quote Ned Flanders: “As far as melon-scratchers go, that’s a honey-doodle.” Yeah, I can’t name one player on that team. Is Jay Cutler still there?

6. Kentucky
Apparently, losing to the Wildcats (and Arkansas!) still gets you into the BCS Championship Game. God, Ohio State sucks. And their fans masturbate in libraries. As for 2008, losing Andre’ Woodson is bad. Losing his potential successor because of drug charges is worse. Maybe they’ll be good, but it’s more likely they probably won’t be.

SEC West: The Little Brother

1. LSU
Talent? Check. A Woody Hayes-knockoff of a coach who is given too much credit by the media and fans? Check. Offensive philosophy from the 1970’s? Check. Must be your SEC Champion!

Let’s just say we “strongly disagree” with the way Les Miles used Keiland Williams last season. I love Jacob Hester (since he’s a Charger now and all), but not using Williams more was practically criminal. No such issue this year, though there’s a decent chance Miles will screw it up anyway. Free Keiland Williams!

I’d also like to mention one more time the travesty that was having a two-loss team in the championship game last season. And it’s not like they lost to highly-ranked teams either. Plus they even played close with a crappy Tennessee team in the SEC title game. And just because LSU beat a soft, slow Ohio State team doesn’t mean that game’s matchup should have happened. There were half a dozen teams that could have done the exact same thing to Ohio State. Damn BCS.

2. Auburn
Congratulations, Auburn Tigers! By adding the spread offense, you have now successfully made it to the year 2002! Good for you! Phil Fulmer and Joe Paterno think you guys took way too long to “modernize” your offense. And you’re still the redneck, cow-college cousin to Alabama and their sense of entitlement. By the way, rotating quarterbacks to start the season when the entire offense is new? Good move.

3. Alabama
I’m only putting Alabama below Auburn because I think John Parker Wilson sucks and will destroy any real chance of success the Tide might have this season. He’s not even good enough to have a good game and throw one killer pick at the end. He’ll just suck the entire season and there’s no escape. They’re still only in year two of Nick Saban though. And there’s no substitute for Nick Saban. He’s already recruiting like crazy and seems pretty much born to coach and succeed in the SEC. He’s Spurrier 2.0. I’m also pretty sure he’s the Anti-Christ. I mean it can only be him or Tony Romo.

4. Mississippi State
Mississippi State just Croom’d on your face. Mississippi State will Croom on your mom. I Croom to cow bells…all good jokes, but we’ve got to raise the bar this year, people! This program might actually be turning a corner towards actually making a decent bowl this season! I may not know anything about the team, but I do know that 10-3 win over Central Florida in the Liberty Bowl is the best thing to happen to those fans and that program in a hell of a long time. Besides, I’m an IU fan, and if Mississippi State sucks after a miracle bowl season, then we’re f*cked.

5. Arkansas
Now with 100% more Bobby Petrino. Lame. Personally, I thought the SEC had enough evil in it as it was. I will say Petrino is an excellent offensive coach, and he’ll have them winning soon. Then they’ll be on probation. But at least they’ll be winning, right? Then again, they were winning under Houston Nutt too, but the Razorback faithful don’t seem to remember that too fondly. This season, no matter who the coach is, they’re screwed. No talent on defense and Dick at quarterback (Casey Dick, that is). But they’ll have Ryan Mallett next season, so get ready for some 50-49 wins, Hogs fan!

6. Ole Miss
Now with 100% less Ed Orgeron. Lame. Really lame. It’s also ironic that the conference’s most beautiful women are rooting for the conference’s worst team. Three years is hardly enough time to turn that disaster around. Plus, we were just getting our Coach O impression together when he was fired. But if anyone can confuse the alumni into thinking the program is successful when it’s 6-6, it’s Houston Nutt. This season, he’ll have Jevan Snead at quarterback who was dropped into his lap after Snead was dropped into Orgeron’s lap last season. And by the way, The Blind Side by Michael Lewis – the book about Michael Oher – is fantastic. Although the definitive Coach O book is Meat Market by Bruce Feldman.

SEC Championship Game: LSU 20, Georgia 14
Offensive Player: Tim Tebow – Florida
Defensive Player: Sen’Derrick Marks – Auburn
Newcomer of the Year: Patrick Johnson – LSU

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

  1. 2 Responses to “SEC Football Preview: More Than Just Hot Chicks And Racist Fans”

  2. Let me guess the Big-10 is the best conf. Ohio State is a joke and they are the best you have. From there down Big Ten is weak at best.
    Big-12 and SEC are the two best and I am sure the “Equally Racist”. I love how yankee’s love the ______’s. Yea right…

    By Anonymous on Aug 22, 2008

  3. I liked the article. I know you’re a little biased but you realize it and explain your opinion. Kudos

    By Anonymous on Sep 1, 2008

Post a Comment