Michael Phelps showed up in China today and basically sneaked into the country unnoticed. He avoided hundreds of fans, reporters and cameras Monday as he took a side door out of the airport to a waiting bus while his teammates walked through the arrival gate in Beijing. Then he went straight to the National Aquatics Center and practiced for his run at Olympic history.
What the hell?
Seriously, Michael, you’re a swimmer, and a damn good one, this could be your only chance to live like a rockstar. While it’s admirable that you’re focused and want to avoid the publicity that comes with your mountainous expectations, I mean come on dude, live it up. You could be nailing tons of hot groupie ass while you’re over there, you’re the absolute world-wide star of these games – maybe the only one – you should start acting like it.
I want my American representatives to act like we’re expected to act. I want you to big time every interviewer, bang every chick, be as cocky and self-assured as you possibly can be and act like the games are no big deal, just a chance to party in another language. Obviously, Bode Miller is my ideal U.S. Olympian. Of course, unlike Bode, I want you to win. You should show those Chinese bastards what capitalism is all about. Prove to them that the decadence of the West won’t be it’s downfall, in fact it will be what carries us through. I want you to embarrass yourself every way you can, but make up for it by smashing Mark Spitz’s puny record and becoming a legend.
You’ve already grown a completely ill-advised moustache that makes you look like you spend your free time prowling MySpace for underaged girls to show your “breaststroke” to. You’re halfway there already.
I don’t want you to put yourself out totally, but I do want you to act like I would act were I in your position. After today’s shameful display of modesty, I just want one thing from you Mr. Phelps. Before your first race, I want you to enter Beijing’s National Aquatics Center by copying Apollo Creed’s entrance before the Drago fight in Rocky IV. Complete with James Brown (yes I’m aware that he passed away in December 2006, just get it done Phelps and stop complaining) and red, white and blue swimming trunks.