Yeah yeah, we all love Michael Phelps, his run to eight gold medals was magical, blah, blah, blah. Everyone seems to just love the guy to no end. In fact, an ex of mine told me she’d give a year’s salary just for the chance to eat ice cream off his torso – right about now you’re probably getting a pretty accurate picture of the women I date. But I just don’t get it. Sure, he’s probably the most singularly dominant athlete we’ve seen in Olympic history. And yes, the fact that he’s incredibly goofy-looking makes him even more likable. But the way he acts completely surprised every time he wins a race gets a little annoying. Come on Mike, seriously, throw some bombs. You’re incredible, you know it, we know it, the world knows it. Toss off some great quotes, sport some bling, do something, anything.
Here are some ways he could have (and in some cases still can) make us jump on the Phelps Love-Fest bandwagon:
-Talk about how he wasn’t at his best in this Olympics and how he was really just “swimming down” to his competition.
-After winning his eighth medal, he goes to Costas and talks about how he’s now above the law and asks rhetorically if everyone hates him now because he’ll never have to work a day in his life.
-Announce he’s taking Kenny Perry’s spot on the Ryder Cup team.
-During that awkward “dual interview” Costas did with he and Mark Spitz, he should have yelled out, “Spitz, you and me, right now. I’ll take you any time, any where. Bring it on old man.”
-Say that he’s quitting swimming to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
-Have pictures surface of him partying with Matt Leinart.
-Obama/Phelps ’08. Actually, screw that, Phelps/Obama ’08.
-Demand to be carried to the pool like Xerxes in 300.
-Start wearing an eye patch.
-Tearfully retire from swimming saying he doesn’t have the passion or the drive anymore and that he’s just tired. Then decide to come back a few months later and force the US Swim Team to take him back or allow him to go swim for the French.
-Get a DUI, be forced to coach a bumbling youth hockey team and lead them to glory.
-Take over for Gil Grissom on CSI.
-Paint his face and give the Braveheart speech before the 400-Medley Relay.
-Challenge Tim Tebow to a series of contests, each more fiendish than the last.
-Turn to Chinese swimmer Zhang Lin and say, “Hey, where’s Kumar?”
-Start referring to himself in the third person.
-Tell everyone he committed five unsolved murders in order to preserve Harvey Dent’s image.
-If he swam his leg of the 400-Medley Relay with his (then) seven gold medals around his neck.
Finally, we came up with a great idea for how he should do press conferences. First, show up wearing sunglasses and a Pacman Jones medallion. Then, have Cullen Jones sit next to him and answer all the questions. Phelps should just lean over, whisper in Jones’ ear and have him answer for him. Ex. “Michael doesn’t feel he needs to answer that.”