Taylor Swift: Who Will Be First?

July 4, 2008 – 3:00 am by Ryan Phillips

I was either really bored or partially in a coma last week but I ended up flipping by some MTV special where they set some dude from an Alabama High School up with Taylor Swift as a prom date. Interesting enough, right? Yeah not really. And while I think Ms. Swift is relatively cute, I didn’t come away totally impressed.

That said, she’s famous, she’s a country singer, she’s young and she’s attractive. Obviously at some point and athlete is going to bag her. For some reason country singers and athletes end up inexorably linked like flies and shit, or roaches in New York City apartments. Sure it’s fun for them, but the rest of us leave disgusted and feeling a little dirty.

With that in mind, we’ve got the official (read: not official) odds on who will be the first athlete to nail Taylor Swift. Enjoy.

Sidney Crosby
This 20-year-old captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins is the young hope of the NHL. With an entire league riding on his shoulders he nearly pulled the Penguins to a Stanley Cup in just his third season, only one year removed from winning the Hart Trophy at 19. He’s 5’11, 200-pounds and the ladies love him. Plus he also signed a five-year $43.5 million extension in 2007, so he’s got dough to toss around towards any chick he’s trying to score.

Women have a thing for hockey players, and famous women seem to fall into that trap more often than not. I mean, Hillary Duff and Mike Comrie are together, Kellie Pickler (another country singer) was nailing some random guy, Rachel Hunter dated Sean Avery and Elisha Cuthbert has apparently spread for the entire league at some point. Something tells me that if “Sid the Kid” approached her, Ms. Swift would be powerless to resist. Of course, with a name like Sidney, you never know which way the guy swings his stick, if you know what I mean. Plus, he has a younger sister named Taylor (God bless Wikipedia for that nugget) so that might be weird.

Odds he’s first: 6 to 1

Grady Sizemore
We’ve mentioned this before but this guy is destined to pull some famous tail at some point. He’s 25-years-old a legit five-tooler who should be a perennial All-Star. He’s already been to the Midsummer Classic twice and owns a Gold Glove. He hasn’t reached the pinnacle of fame yet, due largely to the fact that he plays for the Cleveland Indians but he won’t be anonymous for long. He’s in the midst of a six-year, $23.45 million contract and could probably get that extended for even more this offseason, considering the numbers he’s put up thus far (.261, 19 hr, 45 rbi, .512 slg).

And, if that wasn’t enough, women love the guy. There is a section of the Cleveland fan base known as “Grady’s Ladies” that now has more than 300 members. He was once referred to as “Superman” by White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. I’m sure he’s having no trouble luring women back to his fully-functional babe lair, but you know he’d love the fame that came along with popping his paparazzi cherry at the same time as a girl like Taylor Swift.

Odds he’s first: 10 to 1

Adam “Pacman” Jones
Come on, you know we all want another reason for Imus to make an off-color comment about him or “blacks” in general. Jones now plays for the Dallas Cowboys – “America’s Team” – he’s going to be in the spotlight with a chance to turn around his public image. What better way to do that than by dating the ultimate Goody Two-Shoes girl? Besides, he likes to make it rain and she recently got all wet on stage. I think they’d make a cute couple.

Odds he’s first: 7,500 to 1

Michael Phelps
She’s soon to be America’s Sweetheart and he’s soon to be the most popular athlete on the planet. They’re sure to meet on the talk show circuit sometime later this summer or in the early fall, right? After watching some of his qualifying swims this week, there’s no reason to believe Phelps won’t win gold in every event he competes in at the Beijing Olympics. He’s 23, and at 6’4 he’s the perfect height for Ms. Swift, who comes in at just about 5’10.

He’s also a goofy, likable kid who hasn’t really had any famous conquests yet. Certainly he’ll have some opportunities as this summer’s Olympics should catapult him to superstardom. Though he’s got sort of a lispy, strange way of talking, I think he’ll be able to reel her in using that as part of his charm, or something. He’s got a great chance if someone can get him in the door. If I were him I’d have my publicists calling her people now.

Odds he’s first: 5 to 2

Troy Tulowitzki
He’s a supremely talented 23-year-old shortstop often compared to Cal Ripken Jr. for his all-out style and ability in the field and at the plate. He helped lead his team to the World Series as a rookie while hitting .291 with 24 home runs and 99 RBIs. His leadership ability and personality have made him a fan favorite already and if not for an early season injury he’d likely be headed to his first All-Star game this month.

As he plays more people will begin to notice him, he’s a lot like the Mets’ David Wright and should become a media darling in time. Though he’ll likely be in Colorado for a long time, if he were in New York or LA he could probably rise to a Jeter-like level of fame. He would be a darkhorse candidate in this race for sure, but never underestimate the draw of being a major league shortstop. They pull tail like quarterbacks, they’re just more subtle about it.

Odds he’s first: 25 to 1

Amelie Mauresmo
Whoops, how did this name get in here?

Odds he’s she’s first: Off

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  1. 5 Responses to “Taylor Swift: Who Will Be First?”

  2. First?

    By Big Blue Monkey on Jul 4, 2008

  3. Odds you will post something based on something other than a wet dream: Billion to 1.

    By Anonymous on Jul 4, 2008

  4. Anon,
    Actually, probably more like 10 billion to 1. I’m all ID, sorry, just post what’s on my mind…

    By Phillips on Jul 4, 2008

  5. Phillips, we need to get your mom a blogger handle so she’s not using “anonymous” anymore.

    By The MCD on Jul 4, 2008

  6. On one hand, I’m impressed you managed to write the whole post without Roger Clemens’ name popping up.

    On the other, I feel you missed a golden opportunity, but that’s just me.

    By the indefatigable mjenks on Jul 9, 2008

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