Thirty-One Reasons July Sucks

July 31, 2008 – 12:00 am by Ryan Phillips

Last year I made the case that August was the worst sports month on the calendar. July, 2008, has proved me wrong. Seriously, this has been the lamest month for sports in my lifetime. There have been no compelling stories, so the media and blogosphere have been buzzing with lame, retread stories for lack of something good to discuss.

Still don’t believe me? Here’s 31 reasons why this July sucked, one for every lame day in this horrid month.

1. We had to suffer through a Tiger-less major and try to talk up the entertainment value of guys we’ve never heard of competing for a championship no one cared about.

2. I now know far too much about Greg Norman’s sex life. I don’t want to hear about how a 53-year-old guy is missing out on his honeymoon with his 53-year-old former tennis champion wife so he can melt down at a major championship. Yeesh.

3. I just learned that Ryan Newman is the most sought-after free agent in all of NASCAR. You don’t say? Thank you ESPNEWS for that little tidbit.

4. Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte? A broken-down Pudge Rodriguez for Kyle Farnsworth? And Mark Teixeira again? Five words: most boring trade deadline ever.

5. A-Rod’s wife filed for divorce and it was front page news. Then it was revealed that his relationship with Madonna was the impetus behind the split. Hmmm, maybe Jose Canseco was right about Rodriguez’s desire to follow where Canseco had already been. Also, what’s with A-Rod’s thing for manly women? As my sister said, “Between that tranny-looking stripper in Toronto and Madonna, he’s definitely had something shoved up his ass.” Well played sister, well played.

6. Only in July would Manny Ramirez acting like a jackass actually be big time news.

7. Brett Favre’s wireless plan made ESPN’s bottom line as “breaking news.” After days of speculation that Favre had used a Packers-issued cell phone to contact other teams, it was revealed that he did not in fact have a Packers-issued cell phone. Well good, thank the Lord that’s cleared up.

8. Ryan Sheckler, an 18-year-old skateboarder, was shirtless on ESPN the Magazine this month. Yes, ESPN thought it would be a good idea to put a shirtless pubescent male on the cover of their magazine. Thats not to be confused with the countless other shirtless guys who have appeared on the cover (Carl Edwards comes to mind). So uh, what, exactly is going on over there at The Mag?

9. So wait, NBA players are actually leaving the United States to go play in Europe? Look, Europe is nice for a vacation or for checking out the cans on your Greek tour guide, but living there full-time? Isn’t there a reason all those Euros are trying to come over here?

10. Let me get this straight, Luol Deng’s stats all dropped but he ended up with a bigger contract than he would have gotten last year? Apparently 17.0 points, 6.3 rebounds and 2.5 assists per game now equals a six-year, $80 million contract in NBA-terms. Yeah, a solid July-based move there.

11. While some may say baseball’s All-Star Game was exciting, they’re wrong, it was just plain boring. Aside from Dan Uggla doing his best Charles Smith impression (it’s an obscure reference, do some research), there wasn’t anything really that compelling about the game.

12. The WNBA had a brawl and it was predictably disappointing.

13. We had to listen to a month of Ron Artest trade scenarios. Who cares where he went? He’s just going to find a way to screw things up there too.

14. Rudy Giuliani’s kid is suing Duke. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.

15. The Detroit Pistons actually signed Kwame Brown. To repeat: someone is going to pay Kwame Brown to play basketball next season. Pay him money. I really want to know the guy associated with the Pistons who actually thought this was a good idea.

16. Jason Taylor danced his way right out of Miami.

17. Josh Hamilton’s amazing performance at the Home Run Derby was moving and inspirational. But during this miserable month every good story had to be ruined, in this case Justin Morneau killed what would have been a beautiful moment by actually beating Hamilton.

18. Somehow Sidney Ponson still has a job.

19. Welcome to the Clippers Mr. Davis. Welcome to Philadelphia Mr. Brand. I love that everyone is shocked that after seven years of suffering as a member of the Clippers that Elton Brand would want to get the hell out of there.

20. Richie Sexson was released by the Seattle Mariners and the New York Yankees swooped in and saved the day by signing him. Again, I want to know the guy who thought this was a good idea.

21. I don’t know much about NASCAR but thanks to a lack of anything real to talk about, I now know this: Goodyear tires suck.

22. Urban Meyer wrote a book. And he further proved that he’s an ass.

23. The Oakland A’s and Billy Beane continue to try and ruin baseball as we know it. Not only has Beane sent away Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton in less that a year, he’s now looking to dump Justin Duchscherer and Huston Street, in an attempt to get rid of any good players left in the A’s system. I love how Billy Beane is worshiped for the way he runs his franchise, when they’ve never won anything and frankly, the Minnesota Twins are the model low-budget franchise.

24. Speaking of the Twins: Hey Francisco Liriano is back and dominating…in AAA.

25. According to BallHype, this month we became a Kenny Perry blog. And as some of you might know, we f-ing hate Kenny Perry.

26. I made my first (and last) trip to Yankee Stadium, and was thoroughly underwhelmed. The stadium was pretty basic and looked like something out of the 70s. I know it was remodeled then, but for some reason I was thinking there would be some sort of nostalgic, old-timey experience. Hell, I didn’t even get yelled at by any belligerent Yankee fans. All-in-all it was nothing more than an average trip to a ballpark.

27. The Tour de France was this month. If a bunch of European guys in spandex climb mountains on bikes and nobody cares, did it actually happen? I mean, the least those guys could do is burst into flames when they crash.

28. Sadly, no one told the Houston Astros they’re completely out of the NL playoff race. The Cubs got Rich Harden, the Brewers got C.C. Sabathia and how did the ‘Stros respond? They scored Randy Wolf and LaTroy Hawkins. Apparently reality has no place in Houston, Texas.

29. Iraq was told they couldn’t participate in the Olympics. Then told they could. Yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing the IOC should be in control of, since that wholly competent body’s whims should be in charge of the hopes of millions of Iraqis who could really use a distraction from the 130 degree heat in August.

30. The Arena Bowl was this month. And no matter how much ESPN and Ron Jaworski try to convince me otherwise, Arena Football is an abomination. It’s not as bad as Canadian Football, but it’s close.

31. Hey, how ’bout those Padres huh?

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  1. 2 Responses to “Thirty-One Reasons July Sucks”

  2. I have a theory that Tiger Woods will actually be bad for golf in the long run. Sure there are positives… Increased purses and exposure to name two.

    But when you think about it, every broadcast, every mention of current standings, every discussion about golf inevitably leads back to Tiger. How is Tiger doing? Where is he in the current field? Why isn’t he playing this tourney?

    And now that he’s out recuperating from an operation, golf is missing the one thing that non-golf devotees even cared about. So what happens when Tiger decides to retire from golf and focus on spending all his money?

    So how many ‘Who is the next Tiger?’ stories can we expect to see once talk of his retirement begins in earnest? Will his absence affect the tournament payouts?

    He brings a lot of things to golf by his presence. And he takes them away when he’s not there. The PGA had better be figuring a way to survive post-Tiger or it’s just going to get worse.

    By Santa Claustrophobia on Jul 31, 2008

  3. Phillips’ sister + A-Rod’s ass = new territory for R+R. Well done Phillips family. Well done indeed.

    By The MCD on Jul 31, 2008

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