That was Ugg-ly

July 16, 2008 – 12:33 pm by Matthew Glenesk

In case you missed it (and you might have because it lingered a bit, just a bit), Tuesday night’s All-Star Game was an instant classic. It had everything. Great pitching, some ridiculous plays by the likes of Miguel Tejada and Nate McLouth and a walk-off sac fly play at the plate.

Amidst all the awesomeness, was one Dan Uggla.

A second-time All-Star, the Florida Marlins second baseman had – in my estimation – one of the worst days of his life. Joe Buck poetically told the story of Uggla’s dad’s New York roots and dreams of his son playing at Yankee Stadium. While daddy’s dream (depending on your definition of “play”) was coming true, his son was living a nightmare.

The little guy committed three errors (an All-Star Game record) on three relatively routine grounders…Ooh the hop got him on the third one…Come on! Uggla was shook more than Don Imus at A Million Man March.

Oh, he also grounded into a double play that ended a great scoring opportunity and struck out three times feebly.

So while Uggla must think Tuesday was the worst day ever, I’m here to offer him some solace. People have certainly had worse days my friend:

George Armstrong CusterJune 25, 1876 – “Custer’s Last Stand.” Custer and the U.S. Seventh Calvary are annihilated at Little Big Horn by the Cheyenne and Lakota tribes. Custer was killed as were his two brothers and a brother-in-law. Sure it wasn’t on national television and he wasn’t subjected to hours of replays of the failure, but it was bad nonetheless.

Lee Harvey OswaldNov. 22, 1963 – (Oliver Stone edition) This patsy was set up by the American government in a conspiracy involving the assassination of John F. Kennedy. He’s arrested, interrogated and two days later shot and killed by Jack Ruby on live television. Plus, he was just trying to watch a movie when he was rudely interrupted and hauled off to jail by the Feds.

Mel GibsonJuly 28, 2006 – Not Braveheart’s most shining moment in life. After getting pulled over for apparent drunk driving, Gibson lashed out at those dastardly Jews, who killed his beloved Jesus Christ in The Passion. “Fucking Jews…Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?” Here’s a tip Mel, next time lead with the question. Well, unfortunately for Gibson everyone knows you don’t get away with Jew bashing in Hollywood. Now, a once beloved and acclaimed actor/director is a pariah. Let this be a lesson. Don’t drink and drive.

PiggySpecific date unknown – Along with Ralph, Sam and Eric, Piggy goes looking for his glasses which were stolen by Jack’s tribe in the middle of the night. When they get to Jack’s camp, Piggy is struck by a rock thrown by Roger and he falls forty feet to his death. He might have lived but he was so fat that the impact-velocity resulting from gravity’s effect on him proved Newton’s sixth law of Fat Ass dynamics once and for all. Now there’s some high school reading list for you fellas.

Donald Trump -April 7, 1977 – The budding real estate mogul marries an alternate for the 1968 Czechoslovakia Olympic ski team. In 1991, Ivana divorced The Hair and netted $20 million, the $14 million estate in Connecticut, an additional $5 million housing allowance, all of her jewelry and 49 percent of Mar-A-Lago.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

  1. 3 Responses to “That was Ugg-ly”

  2. Some people would have worked in Oedipus, but I think Piggy does a much better job fulfilling the high school reading reference needs.

    Well done. Well done. *golf claps*

    By the indefatigable mjenks on Jul 16, 2008

  3. I’m pretty disappointed that you did not note that Mel Gibson called the female officer Sugar Tits.

    By Hick Flick on Jul 16, 2008

  4. Michael Richards.

    By Anonymous on Jul 17, 2008

Post a Comment