Tales of Athletic Matrimonial Bliss

July 8, 2008 – 12:09 am by Matthew Glenesk

With the breaking (and super relevant) news that Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from one Alex Rodriguez, we here at Rumors and Rants wanted to weigh in on what Larry King calls, “The greatest tabloid story in some time.”

Mrs. A-Rod claimed the All-Star slugger had “emotionally abandoned his wife and children.” Ah, just like a runner in scoring position in October.

Cynthia cited her husband’s infidelity as the cause for divorce. Rumors swirled that A-Rod was joining the likes of Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Tony Ward, Vanilla Ice, Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon, Andy Bird, Guy Ritchie and a list of countless others who have enjoyed the Material Girl carnally.

Madonna, soon to be 50, denied she and a certain Rod bumped uglies, saying she has “nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.”

Whether or not A-Rod and Madonna make the list below of our favorite athlete-related marriages/affairs is still up in the air, we can’t help but hope.

Enjoy.

Chuck Finley and Tawny Kitaen
He was a five-time All-Star pitcher with 200 career victories to his name. She was an actress known as the Queen of Glam Metal. From Ratt to Whitesnake, Kitaen gave metal fans boners for years. She’s most famous for sexually molesting the hood of a Jaguar in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” music video.

The two were married in 1997 and enjoyed five years of wedded bliss before Kitaen beat up Finley on a drive home from dinner with one of her stiletto heels. He pressed domestic violence charges and filed for divorce.

Since then Kitaen, a cocaine appreciant, has gone on to verbally assault Florence Henderson on “The Surreal Life.” No charges were filed. We all look forward to Kitaen’s upcoming role on “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” on VH1 in October. You know you’re a train wreck when VH1 brings you back for seconds.

On a side note, Kitaen and Finley’s divorce also contributed to the firing of Joe Stephen, the Chicago White Sox musical director. In April 2002, Stephen played “Here I Go Again,” as Finley took the mound. He was fired and the team apologized. Damn Southsiders and their lack of a sense of humor.

Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra
He was your typical run-of-the-mill tattooed, cross-dressing NBA bad boy. She was a former Playboy Playmate trying desperately to legitimize a singing or acting career (“Scary Movie 4″ did a great deal of help).

Add in a drunken Vegas weekend and what could possibly go wrong? The nuptials lasted nine days before Rodman tried to annul the marriage. But that doesn’t mean the two didn’t get to enjoy everything matrimony brings, such as verbal spats that lead to dual arrests.

What was the argument about? The Worm claims Electra stuck a large piece of uncooked pasta into his ass while he was sleeping. That’s what they call the Penne Pounder. He’s lucky it wasn’t Fussili Jerry.
“He had to use corkscrew pasta.” “It was a million to one shot doc, million to one.”

Electra went on to marry and divorce Dave Navarro and is currently engaged to Korn guitarist Rob Patterson. Prior to Rodman she dated Prince and Cypress Hill’s B Real. I guess, one athlete was enough.

Henri Leconte and Marie Sara
He was a French tennis star known for being a bit on the clownish side. She was the first woman bullfighter in France (we all know French men are pussies).

They married in 1995, but divorced four years later. It’s unknown whether or not she stuck her matador’s spear into Leconte’s derriere during his REM cycle.

She remarried to a fellow named Christopher Lambert (no, not the dude from “Highlander” though that would’ve been freaking awesome).

Nick Faldo and Brenna Cepelak
He was the 1990 PGA Player of the Year. She was a 20-year old University of Arizona golfer 18 years his junior.

The two had a three-year relationship during Faldo’s second marriage. His wife, Gill Bennett, found a picture of the leggy, blond co-ed among Faldo’s “personal” items. That led to an $11.8 million divorce settlement. He then sent Cepelak packing when he met wife No. 3. Despite having played the game collegiately, Cepelak proved less than handy with a club in her attempts to smash the shit out of Faldo’s Porsche.

“It was a 9-iron or a wedge. It was a very special car. It was so high-tech, it was made of plastic. The club kept bouncing off. It wouldn’t leave a dent. I auctioned it off last year. It was a nice end to that part of my life.”

Cepelak demanded $1 million for every year she and Faldo spent together. She got a quarter of that.

Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov and Anna Kournikova
Both men were Russian goal-scoring machines on ice. She was the pleasing on the eyes tennis player who could never win. Bure and Fedorov were linemates growing up in Russia, but I doubt they thought they’d be sharing anything more than ice time.

Federov, 33, claimed to have married Kournikova, while Bure said he was engaged to the 21-year old blondie. And Kournikova kept pretty quiet during the whole ordeal because she was moonlighting with Mark Phillipousis and Enrique Iglesias.

There’s nothing like a hot Russian bombshell to come between best friends. Despite rumors, it hasn’t been verified yet by either parties’ representatives if the two held a good, old fashioned race-off for Kournikova’s affections.

Mike Tyson and Robin Givens
He was the heavyweight champion of the world. She was Darlene Merriman on “Head of the Class.” They married in 1988 and the union lasted only a year. Givens called the marriage, “a living hell,” in which Tyson beat and raped her. During their marriage, Givens told Barbara Walters and the world, that “Mike Tyson’s Punchout” extended further than Nintendo.

Givens went on to date the likes of Howard Stern and Brad Pitt. Apparently Ms. Givens doesn’t have a “type,” since those three guys are as different as…as…um, well they’re just f-ing different OK? Sorry, the metaphor well kinda ran dry there.

Givens supposedly received an $8 million settlement, but said she’s never received a dime from Tyson. Add in the $6.5 million he was ordered to give to his second wife, Monica Turner and it’s no wonder the dude’s bankrupt.

Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe

He was a three-time MVP and Yankee Hall of Famer. She was a 1950s sex icon, who didn’t mind guys keeping their socks on during whoopie. The two married in 1954 and from the honeymoon on the marriage was on the rocks. The couple went on an intented romantic vacation to Japan, but Monroe was talked into visiting the troops in nearby Korea to raise (cough, cough) “morale.” DiMaggio apparently wasn’t too thrilled with her decision.

A few months later while filming the famous blowing grate-up the skirt scene for “The Seven Year Itch,” DiMaggio became infuriated that the crowd surrounding the NYC street hollered with excitement every time Monroe’s dress came up. “That’s my pie…”

The couple had a heated verbal spat in the theater lobby and Monroe filed for divorce citing mental cruelty just 274 days after the wedding.

Jason and Joumana Kidd
Tales of true love and happiness make us smile, but stories like that of these two whack-jobs just make us laugh. Married in 1997, the Kidds appeared to be a perfect couple – he was a budding NBA star and she was a correspondent on “Extra” and a former “Bud Girl.” But trouble found these two early on as Jason was arrested for domestic abuse in 2001 after an argument in which he struck his wife. In his defense, dinner should have been ready when he got home.

But they appeared to have made it through that rough patch and to show his affection, Kidd used to blow a kiss to his wife and kids before attempting each free throw. Aww, such a sweet wife beater.

Then, in 2007 after years of rumors surrounding the couple, Jason filed for divorce painting a picture of horror. In his divorce complaint Kidd accuses Jourmana of kicking, hitting, punching and throwing household objects at him as she became “increasingly controlling and manipulative.” She also allegedly installed tracking devices on all his cars and computers and harassed his trainer, friends and family.

In her counter-complaint, Joumana called Jason a serial cheater and spousal abuser. She cited his extramarital affairs with several different television reporters, as well as strippers in Arizona, Sacramento, Miami, Dallas and Indiana, a Nets season ticket holder, a Nets employee and a cheerleader in New Orleans. This report on The Smoking Gun riveting. After reading it I don’t understand why these two can’t just work things out.

Doug and Jackie Christie
Wow, where do I even start with this one? In 2002 the New York Times wrote an infamous feature about how impossibly whipped Doug Christie was. And I don’t think anyone has let him forget about it since. It’s beyond disturbing.

Here’s a short list of some of the things that show how Doug’s soul is being crushed by an overly-controlling wife who makes Joumana Kidd look like a saint:

At least 50 times a game Christie – who is now a free agent and could done in the NBA – raises his pinkie and index fingers to the rafters in a gesture, just to let his wife know he loves her. The article also revealed that to avoid temptation Doug does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or eye contact. Jackie would also follow behind the team’s bus on road trips, talking to Doug on his cellphone until they reach their destination. After his wife expressed uneasiness about female Toronto Raptors staff members having access to the locker room, Doug dressed in a separate locker room. Jackie would also insist on accompanying her husband when he was being interviewed by certain female reporters. The couple would also re-marry every year on their wedding anniversary. Not a small party, an actual wedding, complete with guests, festivities and a cake.

In 2006 BET finally did what everyone was hoping and launched a reality show centered around their bizarre marriage named “The Christies Committed. It was incredibly disappointing and boring. God these two suck.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

  1. 2 Responses to “Tales of Athletic Matrimonial Bliss”

  2. Doug Christie is ridiculous. Bill Simmons had lots of hilarious columns about him over the years.

    By Purdue Matt on Jul 8, 2008

  3. i’m so psyched that you referenced “the highlander”.

    and it’s so: prince, brad pitt and howard stern are as different as prince, brad pitt and howard stern. nothing else is analagous. there is no better or apt metaphor. does your head in.

    By roundthewaygirl on Jul 9, 2008

Post a Comment