Douchebag University

July 28, 2008 – 1:07 am by Hickey


Once in a great while, you come across a story that makes you wish everyone involved had been aboard the Hindenburg. This is one of those stories.

Andrew Giuliani, the son of former New York mayor/sort-of presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, is suing Duke University because he was kicked off the golf team.

Seriously.

Being the son of a guy who thought he could get nominated for president by not actually campaigning in any of the states that were holding primaries, I can see where such arrogant buffoonery comes from. (The fucker is still taking campaign contributions on his website!) Lil’ Giuliani claims that he has “dreams of becoming a professional golfer and was dismissed without cause from the golf team.”

His mother, Donna Hanover — I’m not sure if she’s Rudy’s 7th or 8th wife, or just his 23rd mistress — released the following statement: “This has been heartbreaking… We tried for many months to convince members of the Duke administration that this situation should be corrected and we are sad that we have now had to turn to the court.”

Truly, I cannot get to my violin quickly enough to play the appropriate tune for this heart-wrenching tragedy. This poor child must be so overcome with grief that he had to trade in his old Mercedes for a new one.

Believe it or not, the Giulianis aren’t the only assholes in this story. After all, that wouldn’t be the Duke way. Indeed, the grounds for which Giuliani was booted from the team seem sketchy at best.

Coach O.D. Vincent III (seriously, O.D.? The third?) removed Giuliani from the team for the following infractions:

– Flipping a putter a few feet to his golf bag and driving too fast in the golf course parking lot (Oh no!)

– Playing a team football game rougher than the other team members were comfortable with (It’s Duke, they probably didn’t realize tackling is allowed in football).

– Being disrespectful to a team trainer (All I want to know is if he kneed the trainer in the nuts a la A.J. Pierzynski).

In addition, according to the lawsuit, the coach concocted a scheme in which Giuliani could be reinstated to the team. The catch? Every other one of his teammates had to write a letter to the coach in support of his reinstatement. If any of them didn’t, then it was no deal.

Instead, five team members wrote a letter in support of his removal.

How much of a dick must this kid be? Or is everyone else in the program just that sackless?

If O.D. had any balls, he’d tell Giuliani straight-up that he was getting cut because his 74.5 average was only good enough for 12th-best on the team. That ain’t even gonna cut it on the Nationwide Tour, buddy.

If Giuliani wasn’t a spoiled brat, he’d stick it to Duke by transferring to Wake Forest or somewhere else in the ACC and joining their golf team.

Instead, everyone is taking the douchebag road, so we get to see the drama unfold in a courtroom. And we all know how competent the lawyers are in the Raleigh-Durham area.

See — now that Hindenburg joke doesn’t seem so tasteless, does it?

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  1. 6 Responses to “Douchebag University”

  2. Applied but didn’t get in, eh?

    By Anonymous on Jul 28, 2008

  3. Ha. Ha. Hahahahaha. What a typical smarmy asshole answer. Perhaps it never occurred to me to apply to Duke because I didn’t want to go to school with a bunch of pricks. Oh, and I had a full-ride academic scholarship to Indiana. So I figure that was better than paying $30,000 a year to be a piece of shit.

    By Hick Flick on Jul 28, 2008

  4. any post with a title like this and Duke as the central antagonist gets my unequivocal vote of support. i didn’t even need to read it. although, i did of course. douchebag U, indeed. i am reminded time and again.

    By Cecilio's Scribe on Jul 28, 2008

  5. This is somewhat unrelated, yet not so much. My hatred for Duke goes deep.
    Mr. Anonymous helps bring out such loathful feelings that university.
    But say what you want about Matt Doherty, but he will always have a special place in my heart (right next to Neifi Perez) for his “inappropriate” comments regarding Duke having the “ugliest cheerleaders in the ACC.”
    Therefore, it must suck having to bone chicks whose faces you have to constantly cover up with a paper sack.

    By AK-47 on Jul 28, 2008

  6. Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius (Reaaal men of Geniuuuus!) Today we salute you Mr. Overcompetitive Touch Football Game Player…

    That commercial may have been written about Giuliani’s son.

    By cousin charlie on Jul 29, 2008

  7. Remember when Chris Farley portrayed this little brat at his father’s inauguration?

    Yeah, what about it?

    Well, do you remember it?

    By Oddibe on Jul 30, 2008

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