The Luckiest Guys In Sports History

June 23, 2008 – 3:32 am by Ryan Phillips

Like most of the sports blogosphere we’ve been shocked, saddened and disappointed about one of the biggest headlines of the past few weeks. We simply can’t believe that one of the hottest women in the world would possibly be interested in this guy. That’s right, supermodel and hot piece of Brazilian tail, Adriana Lima and awful reserve guard, Marko Jaric are engaged. This is relatively old news, but I haven’t been able to post about it because I’ve been too busy trying to wrap my head around the idea. The sheer madness of it is staggering.

I mean, is he the luckiest guy on the planet? The answer: No. He’s the luckiest bastard on the planet. I can’t even fathom what she’s thinking. He must have one hell of a personality and it’s obvious she’s either never seen him play or knows absolutely nothing about basketball. That got us thinking about other athletes who did virtually nothing, yet somehow came out on top.

So here’s our list of the luckiest bastards in sports history.

Marko Jaric – Engaged to Adrianna Lima
Seriously, how did this happen? In 394 games with the Clippers and Timberwolves, Jaric’s career averages are as follows: 7.8 points, 2.9 rebounds, 3.9 assists, 1.4 steals and 1.67 turnovers per game. He’s averaged 27 minutes per game and shoots 40.8 percent from the field, 34.2 percent from 3-point range and 73.1 percent from the free throw line. She, on the other hand, is a cardiac-inducing supermodel who could have any man on the planet. And she chose Marco freaking Jaric. The guy is – at best – a poor man’s Jordan Farmar. Actually, more like a homeless man’s Jordan Farmar. And, he’s hideous. He looks like a stereotypical Euro-trash guy you’d see at a bar in Prague. But only if that guy were also cross-eyed.

I don’t know what kind of a deal Jaric made with the Son of Perdition, but I imagine it involved his soul, sacrificing several virgins and some livestock to be named later.

Jim Sorgi – Peyton Manning’s Backup
He may have the greatest job in all of professional sports right now. Sorgi is the backup to a guy who could end up being regarded as the greatest quarterback of all-time when he finally hangs ‘em up. And we’re guessing he’s just fine with that. On his way to setting an incredible amount of NFL records, Peyton Manning has also notched 160 straight starts. That’s nearly 10 seasons worth of games. Sorgi was drafted by the Colts out of Wisconsin in 2004 and has been the team’s backup quarterback ever since. He’s gotten in to a total of 14 games in four years and has a passer rating of 90.4. For his career he’s 77-126 for 751 yards, and has six touchdowns and one interception. Oh, and he has a Super Bowl ring.

He made $850,000 in 2007, to basically sit on the sidelines and make sure Peyton’s shoes were tied when he jogged onto the field. He must be really good at that, because the Colts gave him a three-year contract extension through 2010. So basically he’s going to be holding a clipboard, fetching water and watching Peyton break all kinds of records while he makes a great living and has a chance to win a title virtually every season. Sorgi never has to actually play in any pressure situations and can basically pre-program his entire life around the phrase “Yes Peyton, I totally agree with you.” Man, life really sucks for Jim Sorgi huh?

Sam Cassell – 2008 Celtics
Here is my version of how Cassell came up with his master plan: “I’m getting an idea so crazy it just might be genius! I’m going to tank my way through a season with the Los Angeles Clippers because I’m unhappy there. I’ll act so disgruntled and be such a distraction that they’ll have no choice but to buy out my contract. Then I’ll beg the first place Celtics to take me. After that, I’ll be a complete disappointment and over-shoot my way out of the lineup. That is, until Doc Rivers inexplicably decides to play me in key situations so I can help bring the Lakers back into games during the NBA Finals. Then, I’ll get a ring at the end of it all after bringing virtually nothing to the table. It’s almost too easy…”

Nicely done Sam. Congrats on the biggest piggyback ride in sports history. You were on the team for about three months, did less than nothing and got a ring. At least P.J. Brown roughed a few people up. Now please go retire and never bother me again.

Eric Gagne – 2007 Boston Red Sox
Speaking of piggyback rides, did anyone ever figure out where Mr. Gagne went during September and October last year? Was there some sort of family emergency or something? No? Well then how come he never pitched for the Sox in key situations? Ohhh thaaat’s right, he sucks. After being acquired by the Red Sox at the trade deadline, Gagne pitched in 20 games. He racked up a 6.75 ERA, a 1.88 WHIP, and opponents hit .325 against him. But guess what? Despite that awful performance, Mr. Gagne got a World Series ring. It even says “champions” on it. That’s right, a guy who can barely tie his shoes without steroids will forever be remembered as a champion. Incidentally, so will J.D. Drew, but that’s a whole other story.

Scott Podsednik – Married to Lisa Dergan
OK, I know he was an “integral” part of the White Sox 2005 World Series team, but does that warrant him bagging this chick? The guy is a career .271 hitter with a measly .337 on base percentage and a laughable .375 slugging percentage. This year he’s played in 58 games for the Rockies, getting just 98 at bats and he’s hitting .235. Nicely done. If that’s all it takes to get a former Playmate then Pauly Shore’s run of success at The Mansion really shouldn’t shock anyone. Ms. Dergan is the stereotypical gorgeous southern California blonde with the body to back it up. And Scott Podsednik is a Punch-and-Judy hitter who can barely even do that anymore.

Christian Laettner – The Dream Team
In case you weren’t aware, yes Christian Laettner was on the 1992 Dream Team. Yes, the greatest basketball team ever assembled had an un-athletic white guy whose NBA career is currently nothing more than a punchline. Don’t ask me why or how he got selected, just know that he did. And he sucked. And now every time someone recites the roster of the greatest team in the history of sports, his name has to be included. The worst part? Alphabetically he fits in right between Michael Jordan and Karl Malone. Yeah, I know.

Tony Romo – The Tail He Pulls
Carrie Underwood, Jessica Simpson and (more than likely) Sophia Bush. Tony Romo has had them all. And you haven’t. The funny thing? You’ve probably had as much playoff success as he has. Other than showing up with a million dollar smile and having the starting quarterback job of the most glamorous franchise in the NFL handed to him, what has he done to earn that level of tail? He made T.O. cry, does that count? He’s also a scratch golfer and, quite possibly, the Anti-Christ.

Jud Buechler – Three Titles With The Bulls
I hate to do this, since Jud is a fellow San Diegan and a hell of a nice guy, but from 1996-98 he won three rings with the Chicago Bulls and never averaged more than 10 minutes per game. He averaged 3.8, 1.8 and 2.7 points per game in those seasons respectively. Yet when you remember the Bulls’ second three-peat your mind has to wander to the guys who contributed. Jordan, Pippen, Kukoc, Kerr, Harper, Rodman…Buechler. Just think about it, Jud Buechler won three more rings than John Stockton, Karl Malone, Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing combined.

Jeremy Shockey – Giants Super Bowl Win
All you need to know is that after Shockey’s season ended on December 16, 2007, his team, the New York Giants, went on an improbable run and won one of the greatest Super Bowls of all-time. All the while Shockey sat in the owner’s suite during the game, drinking. Oh and his backup, Kevin Boss, performed almost flawlessly in his absence. With Shockey the Giants were 9-5. After his injury they won five of six, including a 17-14 win over the Patriots in the Super Bowl. While healthy all Shockey did was bitch about the team’s coaching and complain how he wasn’t getting the ball enough.

While his production wasn’t at Buechler-levels, Shockey had 57 catches for 619 yards and just three touchdowns. And his injury – which made it so he wasn’t around very much – seemed to take the Giants to another level. So enjoy that Super Bowl ring Jeremy, you your teammates earned it.

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  1. 21 Responses to “The Luckiest Guys In Sports History”

  2. Jeff Garcia was snubbed…

    By Sargent on Jun 23, 2008

  3. Would you care to rip off Bill Simmons any more with the “poor man/homeless man” line? I’m surprised you didn’t mention the “unintentional comedy scale” talking about Jud Buechler.

    And yes, Jeff Garcia should be fuming he was left off this list.

    By Ryan on Jun 23, 2008

  4. How about Phil Jackson with all that Zen training crap? If you are a coach of a team made up of Jordan-Pippen or O’Neal/Bryant, you can sip tea and chant all you want because the championship is already half won.

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  5. hilarious post…

    @Ryan

    Who cares if he ripped off one line… You think Bill Simmons made that line up? The internet is made up of ripped off shit… Where are your posts??

    By houroc on Jun 23, 2008

  6. not sure why you mentioned JD Drew in the Gagne rip… all he did was hit .360 vs. the Indians in the ALCS, including a first inning grand slam that propelled the Sox to their game 7 win… then hit .333 in the world series… he’s only hitting .286 for his career… which is not too shabby… including carrying Boston this year while David Ortiz is recovering from his wrist injury

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  7. great post, but you forgot about matt cassel. He backed up Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, and Tom Brady! Won National Championships and Super Bowls

    By Doc Law on Jun 23, 2008

  8. Simmons Blows

    By News on Jun 23, 2008

  9. I believe Kobe and Shaq were together for a few seasons before Phil got to LA AND they didn’t win, so I guess not everyone can get the best players and win. See USA Olympic Basketball.

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  10. Matt Cassel is a glaring omission, I do apologize. Great call there.

    Jeff Garcia was left off because he’s never really won anything. And frankly, if anyone believes he enjoys having sex with his hot wife they probably need to have their head examined.

    As for J.D. Drew, he’s just worthless. He’s had a great year and a decent playoffs last year, but until then he was such a waste of money…and skin. I was just saying that when I think of the word “champion” he’s one of the last names that comes to mind.

    As to the Simmons thing, a hometown columnist I read growing up used the poor man’s/homeless man’s line for years before Simmons even worked at ESPN. Besides, TONS of other people use that one, it was not original by Simmons and he certainly can’t claim it. Especially since he rips off other writers all the time. He’s the Carlos Mencia of sports columnists.

    By Phillips on Jun 23, 2008

  11. Jud Buechler is still my all-time favorite white Bull, for what it’s worth. (Sorry to let you down, Bill Wennington.)

    And yeah, saying he ripped off Simmons is like saying you are ripping off the guy who invented the why did the chicken cross the road joke. I think everybody just has the line in their bag now.

    By Hick Flick on Jun 23, 2008

  12. Yeah, Jeff Garcia was defintely snubbed, have you seen his wife, Carmella DeCesare. Forget the fact that he’s a NFL quarterback, it’s almost like Adrianna Lima marrying that guy from the Timberwolves. Oops too late!

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  13. Don’t forget Tim Couch being married to Heather Kozar. Although, the poor guy deserves it after the beatings he took for my Browns.

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  14. You forgot Rony Seikaly, who is married to model Elsa Benitez, basically the hottest woman in the world.

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  15. Damn Chris Mullen was pasty-white.

    By The MCD on Jun 23, 2008

  16. Jeff Garcia should’ve been on this list somewhere, for sure.
    How about Matt Cassell backing up Tom Brady, or Jeff Gordon with his hot wife (obviously a cover-up)?

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  17. A little past tense but what about Mutt (dumb ass lang )or whatever his name is.He had Shania Twain one of the most beautiful women ever and all the money to go along with it.What a stupid ASS.”Mutt”what a perfect name for a piece of shit !!!

    By Anonymous on Jun 23, 2008

  18. Matt Cassell never won a Super Bowl. He was drafter AFTER the last Pats SB win, and he sat on the sideline last February when the Giants shocked the world.

    By Nostalgic on Jun 24, 2008

  19. Derek Jeter anyone? This guy basically has gone out with the following…

    Mariah Carey, Jordana Brewster, Lara Dutta, Vanessa Minillo, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Adriana Lima, Jessica Biel, Gabriel Union, and now, Minka Kelly. Oh and not to mention the fact that he is the captain of the New York Yankees and is the second highest paid player in all of baseball (second to A-Rod). Did i mention he has 4 world series rings too?

    By Anonymous on Jun 24, 2008

  20. mutt lange? lol, you tard. this is a sports blog. besides, didn’t he produce something like four of the top one hundred songs of all time? i don’t think all of them were luck.

    By Anonymous on Jun 24, 2008

  21. I always thought the best job in sports would have been favre’s backup qb. But for this to really be the easiest ride you would have to be drafted the year favre came to gb and retire when favre retired. 16 years of hundreds of thousands of dollars, a superbowl ring, and no pressure whatsoever.

    By Anonymous on Jun 24, 2008

  22. Jerome Bettis…

    His last two years he watched Willie Parker and Deuce Staley do all the work… he came in when the ball was on the one-yard line, scored a few TDs… fumbled on the goal line in one of the craziest playoff games ever… and road the bench on his way to his first Super Bowl ring and retired in his hometown with the Lombardi Trophy in the process…

    By Boomer on Jun 24, 2008

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