Futbol Alliteration: Ronaldo to Real?

June 19, 2008 – 8:57 pm by Ryan Phillips

I don’t know what’s with my string of soccer posts lately. Any time a big even like the World Cup or, say, Euro 2008, happens, I always get a renewed interest in the world’s most popular sport. It could also be that the sudden departure of David Hirshey from the blogging underworld has left me bereft and therefore subconsciously wanting to write about soccer in a much more hack-ish way than his usual Cormac McCarthy-like prose. I’ll try to work in the word “cunt” if I can.

Anyway, it’s entirely possible there is already a deal in place between club behemoths Manchester United and Real Madrid to transfer Hansel Cristiano Ronaldo to Real. Ronaldo, for his part, has made it abundantly clear he wants out of Manchester. For whatever reason, he’s unhappy playing with club soccer’s most visible team and wants to move on. Possibly because of the lack of Euro-trash mullets in England.

First, I have no idea when we started calling him Ronaldo. He was Cristiano Ronaldo very, very recently. Isn’t there still a Brazilian Ronaldo out there somewhere? Wasn’t he freaking ON REAL MADRID recently too? He’s got to be tripling his intake of twinkies because of this slight. That’s not to say the Portuguese Ronaldo isn’t the best player in the world, because he is, but you can’t just steal a guy’s nickname. Isn’t “Cristiano” a much cooler nickname for him anyway (and by cooler I mean more homosexual, which would fit with his personality)? Forty-two goals for Cristiano this season! See? I think it sounds better. Plus, there have been eleventy-billion Ronaldos since I started paying attention to international footie back in 1994 when Phillips and I began using his garage as a goal during the World Cup. Tony Meola rules!

I also enjoy using incidences like this to point out to non-soccer fans that Euro/Afro/Middle Eastern-O sports are exactly like our own domestic brands. Players demand to be traded and subtly threaten to tank and make everyone miserable all the time. Cristiano even saying what little he has said in the above link is the equivalent of A-Rod or Peyton Manning going to the press and saying they want out of New York and Indy respectively after winning a championship. That is, if A-Rod ever wins a title in New York.

As I said, Man U would be nuts to get rid of this Ronaldo. He’s probably the best player in the world right now and the lads in the locker room would be heartbroken if his girlfriend were no longer hanging around the clubhouse. You don’t just trade away the best player in your sport. Under any circumstances. Plus, in club soccer, they’d just be getting money anyway, even if it IS a bazillion dollars. I can’t believe I’m sticking up for Manchester United in any form at all, though. Our legal adviser, Booter, a die-hard Arsenal supporter (like Hirshey!), is probably questioning my sanity. Well I am too, Booter. You still don’t give away Cristiano Ronaldo. Well, maybe for Fabregas. That guy’s badass.

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  1. 2 Responses to “Futbol Alliteration: Ronaldo to Real?”

  2. It is never ok to stick up for Manchester United. I hope Cuntly Cunt Ronaldo packs his bag of dildos and leaves for Spain. I hope Sir Alex chokes on a haggis. Go You Gooners!

    By MilwaukeeBooter on Jun 20, 2008

  3. I apologize, Booter. I still think getting rid of Ronaldo would be like the Germans trading Hit…uh, nevermind. I don’t want Phillips to suspend me.

    By The MCD on Jun 20, 2008

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