Yesterday, the focus was on Ozzie Guillen’s pre-game tribute to the stylings of Lee Elia, in which he bemoaned the fickleness of Chicago fans and the popularity of the Cubs. Unfortunately, no media outlet has the [expletive] [expletive] to release an unedited [expletive] version of this [expletive] masterpiece, so this is the best I can do.
But the rant is so yesterday’s news now. Today, the focus is on what was in the Sox clubhouse before Sunday’s game — two blow-up dolls with baseball bats lodged in uncomfortable places. The Chicago media didn’t report on this development at all, but some muckracking Canucks from Toronto’s National Post noticed these two ladies in distress. Once that hit the press, it was time for the outrage to seep across the border, and today the two-day-old news hit the front page of the Sun-Times.
Since I’m not a female, it’s hard for me to share the same outrage that Sun-Times columnist Carol Slezak felt regarding this dynamic duo of slumpbusters. But I did decide to go straight to the source and ask the two young blow-up dolls in question how they felt. Unfortunately, they could not answer as there was something in each of their mouths at the time.
Luckily, I was still able to get a reaction from the National Association of Blow-Up Dolls (NABUD) spokesdoll, Inflatable Patty.
“We are simply outraged at the atrocious actions taken by the Chicago White Sox baseball team,” Patty noted. “As blow-up dolls, we are used to having our orifices penetrated by the penises of sad, lonely men. NOT by baseball bats.”
Betty Bigmouth, a spokesdoll for the Canadian Ministry of Inflatable Sex Toys, was similarly unamused by the actions of the White Sox.
“The sophomoric display of humour that took place in the Rogers Centre clubhouse is simply intolerable,” Bigmouth said. “This is aboot self-respect for all blow-up dolls. Just because we’re inflatable doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.”
Even though there were no female reporters present in the clubhouse, the Association for Women in Sports Media president Jenni Carlson (who was unheard of until writing a column that made Mike Gundy do this and turned it into a sweet gig) responded by saying, “The presence of those dolls creates an uncomfortable situation for any female journalist who enters the White Sox locker room simply trying to do her job.”
We couldn’t agree more. So until the White Sox make their clubhouse accessible to male blow-up dolls, this outrageous behavior must come to a halt.