This may shock you, but I’m an un-athletic white guy who writes a blog about sports. Crazy, I know. I swear I used to be athletic (as my career as a halfway decent high school tennis player ought to show), or at least more so than Mike Greenberg, who is my baseline for un-athletic white guys. Given my sports prowess, I naturally gravitated toward golf which, like bowling, isn’t actually a sport. It’s a skill that essentially anyone can possess, given the ability and time to practice and get some tips from some one who knows what they’re doing along the way. Golf should also be the great equalizer between the super-jocks and guys like me because how big, fast or strong you are has little or no bearing on how well you play.
It should be the great equalizer, but it’s not.
It turns out there are athletes who are a hell of a lot better at golf than I am, and without that pesky practice time, even. For example, Tony Romo attempted to qualify for the U.S. Open this past week. That’s right, Dallas Cowboys starting quarterback Tony Romo, who should be hip-deep in game film and playbook pages this offseason, has time to attempt to play in a major event in a sport different from the one he is currently paid to play professionally. Romo shot a 5-over-par 75 at a local qualifying event in Dallas, missing the chance to play in a sectional qualifying event by four shots.
I want to mention how unbelievably difficult it is to shoot a 75. Something like 90% of regular golfers couldn’t score below 100 if they played a round with PGA rules enforced. Romo just showed up and threw up a 75 and he was upset he didn’t do better: “I just haven’t been able to practice or prepare. I’ve got a lot of football stuff. That’s part of it.”
To put it another way, dude fell out of bed and shot a 75 while being in the midst of a football offseason that is nothing if not demanding of one’s time. You know, time he could use to actually practice golf. God knows how well he would have done if those darn Cowboys didn’t have their so-called “mini-camp” or, you know, care about the 2008 season.
Basically, I hate Tony Romo. Athletes, it seems, really are better than us at everything (including making it rain). Or at least he clearly is. I’ve been playing golf nearly all my life and I’ve only broken 90 once, and I may or may not have cheated to get there. But Tony Romo can just show up at some course and shoot a 75 with no preparation and actually be a little upset about it? He had to actually believe he could qualify to even bother showing up, right?
But I wonder more about this: when the hell did he find time to get that good at golf? It’s not like riding a bike. One needs to practice nearly constantly to reach that level of skill. I’m truly afraid because there’s only one explanation for Romo being this good at golf and everything else: He’s the anti-christ.
We all knew it had to happen some time, people. You had to know we were on borrowed time once Brett Michaels managed to get famous again, but this is definitely it. To recap:
-Tony Romo is dating/possibly married to Jessica Simpson, who is also possibly evil.
-Tony Romo is the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and doesn’t suck at it.
-Tony Romo is also apparently a scratch handicap.
He’s also working on the great American novel and he may or may not be a CTU agent in Los Angeles during his free time.
-His jock-sweat cures cancer.
You all better find Jesus because this is it, people! The end is near! The Beast walks the earth and wears number 9 (an upside down six!)! Flee! Flee!