Roger Clemens Clearly Gets It

May 16, 2008 – 11:13 am by Ryan Phillips

Hey everybody! Roger Clemens may not be retired after all! Yes, in a revelation much like Roger Dorn activating himself in Major League 2, it appears that those close to Clemens feel he may not actually be done with baseball…though clearly, baseball appears to be done with him. Despite mounting legal troubles and a public image that’s quickly spiraling down to the Bonds Circle of Hell – that’s the fifth one I think, but I was never very big on Dante – several people in the Astros organization feel he may yet attempt a comeback.

Astros chairman and chief executive Drayton McClane told the team’s official Web site, “I think if he was ready to retire, and that was clear, he would have already said that to us. But that has not happened.” McClane also did not rule out the possibility of re-signing Clemens, but he was clear that the pitcher’s legal woes would need to be solved first. So basically, he wouldn’t re-sign Roger until he was like, 60.

Well hey, this is great news. I mean Roger Clemens – right hander, strikeout king, serial violator of matrimonial vows, possible pedophile, perjuror, steroids cheat and self-righteous asshole – could be back?!? That’s exactly what baseball needs. In a season that’s turning the sport on it’s head, when teams stocked with young, exciting talent are taking over, we could use a fossil from the Steroid Era to drag it all back through the mud.

Who cares that the Diamondbacks only have two everyday players over the age of 27, yet still own the best record in baseball? It’s mid-May and Tampa Bay is winning the American League East … are anyone else’s feet feeling oddly chilly? Might want to check with Mr. Bonds and see if they are, indeed, having snowball fights down in his aforementioned circle of Hades. The Marlins, who opened the season with roughly a $17 million payroll are out front in the NL East and the Cubs look poised to make a deep run into the playoffs.

Screw all of that, what we need to dominate summer headlines is “The Return of Roger!” Especially after last season, where he got a prorated $28 Million deal (or $4.5 million per month) to produce a 6-6 record, 4.18 ERA, 1.31 WHIP and a .261 batting average against. Mmmmm that’s expensive mediocrity.

Obviously Roger understands what would be best for his public image. The guy gets it. Should he drop all of his ridiculous lawsuits that will never hold up, apologize publicly for deceiving the fans who loved him for years, then quietly disappear into anonymity, thereby gaining a degree of respect from the public? Hell no. He should try to come back to baseball and drag his sordid circus on a tour of Major League ballparks!

Awesome. I can’t wait.

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  1. One Response to “Roger Clemens Clearly Gets It”

  2. I was secretly hoping that your link to Dante would bring up a picture of Bichette.

    By Hick Flick on May 16, 2008

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