The following is a paid advertisement of Make Money Off O.J. Inc. and does not reflect the views of Rumors and Rants. Well, it might. Those guys are deranged.
You heard right, folks. You can sign up now and be a member of the jury for the second Trial of the Century involving O.J. Simpson. You can even find him innocent (or guilty, but who would want to do that?)! But most of all, folks, we offer the opportunity to invest in your own future. How, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you how.
For years, people have been making money off of O.J. Simpson, and not just from gambling on football, either. You could be one of those people! It’s widely known that Simpson jurors are hyper-intelligent, thoughtful beings who deserve a forum in which they can share their thoughts with the common man. As a Simpson juror, you could share your important opinion on legal matters in a book and on television interviews and make yourself tons of money! All it takes is an initial investment of a couple of months in the jury box, and you’re on your way to financial independence. How can anyone pass this deal up?
I bet you’re wondering how you can sign up. And folks, let me tell ya, it’s so easy, even a Cubs fan could do it! First, you have to live in the Las Vegas area and be over the age of 18. Then, you’ll have to fill out a short* questionnaire. After that, you’re on your way to making money the O.J. Simpson Juror Way!
-If you’ve ever e-mailed the Jim Rome Show.
-If you see a difference between mostly decapitating two people and completely decapitating two people.
-Are you now, or have you ever been, an African-American?
-Will you believe whatever you’re told by an expensive attorney, despite all logic and evidence to the contrary?
If you can answer these questions satisfactorily, then you can be an O.J. Simpson juror!
Folks, let me level with you. Opportunities such as this come along but once in a lifetime. If you want to achieve temporary celebrity, take a chance at making money while ignoring your actual day-job and acquit a national icon, then this is the opportunity for you. It’s knocking, people. I can hear it. Can you hear it? I can hear it and I want to answer the door. But I can’t answer the door, so I’m giving you folks the opportunity of a lifetime.
For two installments of $35.99, I can show you the keys to becoming a Simpson Juror and send you on your way to making money and having the easy life you deserve to live! Inquire within the comments section for my foolproof system and you’ll take your first steps toward the Simpson Juror Life. Sign up today!
For the next ten minutes, we’re offering a special discount on the original $35.99 price. We’re knocking it all the way down to $24.99. $24.99! Plus, we’re throwing in a free T-shirt**. A $55 value all for the low price of $24.99, but only for the next ten minutes. You can’t possibly let these prices pass you by. It’s out of control! We’re talking to all you potential jurors out there! Voir dire today!
*we define “short” as 300 questions or less. This survey is only 115 questions or so.
**Actual size of t-shirt’s hilarity may be bigger. Obviously it’s not free, though. What, you thought we were serious?