I Love the ’80s Strikes Back

May 30, 2008 – 2:38 am by Hickey

Doug Collins is coming back to coach the Bulls, and I couldn’t be more excited! Combined with the pending Celtics-Lakers matchup in the NBA Finals and baseball teams slowly returning to powder blue uniforms, one thing has become clear: the ’80s are back, baby! And it couldn’t happen soon enough.

Here are a few other things that have popped up in the past year that strengthen our thesis:

– The Lakers wearing short shorts. Well, at least for half of a game.

– The Nuggets scoring like 140 points a game, but losing early in the playoffs. All that was missing was Alex English and rainbow unis.

– The Yankees in last place.

– New Kids on The Block embarking on a tour.

– Indiana Jones is back in theaters.

Given the current pace of things, we can expect to see each of the following to happen by 2010:

– A new John Hughes movie.

– A new movie about a random sport — done in the same vein as The Karate Kid, Airborne and Rad — that includes a gnarly synthesizer-based Jan Hammer soundtrack, complete with an epic montage scene. Our suggestion: Curling, The Movie.

– The return of the mustache. I’m not talking about some Adam Morrison wisp shit, but a real bushy job. Tom Selleck and Keith Hernandez rocked them out like true manly men should. Not that David Wright needs any help drawing in some more poon, but I think he’d be the perfect guy to take it nationwide. Him or David Weathers.

– The Milwaukee Bucks finally returning to their awesome old-school logo.

– The Hartford Whalers returning to the ice with Brass Bonanza gloriously announcing their return.

– Good cartoons on Saturday mornings. Kids these days are all going to be pussies when they grow up. But once He-Man, Thundercats and GI Joe return, they will be whipped right into shape.

– Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out 2, exclusively on the Nintendo Wii.

– If Kanye West thinks he’s such hot shit, maybe he should try bringing back breakdancing. He’s got no cred until he does.

– I don’t know how, and I don’t know where. But Don Johnson is going to make a musical comeback, and it is going to blow your mind.

– Speaking of mind-blowing, can you say Damn Yankees reunion tour? (The Nuge’s sunglasses and bullet-deflecting guitar solo in the linked video say “YES!”)

– Remember, you saw it here first: STEVE GUTTENBERG RETURNS.

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  1. 13 Responses to “I Love the ’80s Strikes Back”

  2. That was absolutely terrific. Very well done!

    — I.S.

    By Italian Stallion on May 30, 2008

  3. Kanye break dancing would be the greatest thing since Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

    And I am retardedly excited about the return of the Guttenberg. God, I love that man.

    By Red on May 30, 2008

  4. there are i think TWO movies out now about mixed martial arts (i think one is called Redline)… do they qualify?

    By Kid Dynamite on May 30, 2008

  5. A Lakers v. Celtics final will add to the 80s comeback, and not only are the Yankees in last, but another Steinbrenner is running his mouth again.

    By Anonymous on May 30, 2008

  6. The sport in question for the cheesy movie would be Lacrosse. It is wildly gaining in popularity in the midwest and is already huge on the east coast. Maybe some reject from upstate New York moves to Ohio and dazzles everyone with his mad skills on the Lacrosse field while picking up the girl and making the bullies realize that he really is a cool guy after all.

    By Alex on May 30, 2008

  7. Good call on both the MMA movie and the theoretical lacrosse movie. I’m liking both angles.

    Also, two things I considered adding but kept off for the sake of realism: college football jerseys with bare midriffs, and a return to glory for the Kansas City Royals.

    By Hick Flick on May 30, 2008

  8. Guttenberg was AWESOME on DWTS!

    By Angie on May 30, 2008

  9. I’d love to see a movie about speedball. Nat the variation of paintball, but the football/soccer combination most of us played in middle school.

    By Slim Banks on May 30, 2008

  10. There already is a curling movie, its called Men with Brooms, starring leslie neilson and Paul Gross, the guy from Due South. and the movie is pretty funny

    By JMoney on May 30, 2008

  11. i’d love to comment, but i’ve got to play pac-man

    By roundthewaygirl on May 30, 2008

  12. Check out the Chicago Wolves. Instead of growing beards like most hockey teams in playoffs, they grew mustaches. It looks totally 80’s

    By Anonymous on May 31, 2008

  13. I will give you the Damn Yankees formed in the 80’s (1989) but their first record wasn’t released until 1990. I am guessing they we not on anyones radar until 1990. Plenty of other crappy hair bands to choose from that actually existed for a good part of the 80’s (Motley Crue reunion tour and album a good place to start).

    By Anonymous on May 31, 2008

  14. Well, you got me on the Damn Yankees technicality. I was just looking for an excuse to link to a video of Ted Nugent deflecting bullets with a guitar solo.

    By Hick Flick on May 31, 2008

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